He could've been here by now, or Sunday or a little after, but there will be no tiny boy named Amir in my arms. I will have no firsts to show him as he grows. I never thought that I could long for someone so much. My rainbow, I am afraid to name, to speak to, to acknowledge. It feels cruel, not like a gift at all. Neither was expected but the former accepted. This one just scares me. I keep praying the stick was wrong, the urine test was wrong, the blood test was wrong! That my period will come. I know better. If it does, it will mean that I have failed to nurture life once again. That I have wished for the death of my child, who I considered very briefly an "option". I have told no one. Not even the father who is no longer in the picture. I am lost. I have prayed, but I can't say anything past "help me". I want to love this child. I want my heart to melt for him/her (them?). I just needed to vent, but comments and advice are always accepted. Thankyou in advance.
on Jun. 20, 2014 at 6:21 AM