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Having a rough morning

Posted by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:19 AM
  • 5 Replies

 Since last night I've been kind of obsessing about this. And I feel really bad, because just a couple of days ago and even yesterday, I felt like I had accepted this and that DH had accepted this. But now I am obsessed with doubt. I keep running the numbers in my head, trying to figure it out. Wondering if they got something wrong. If the very small drop in my hcg is really that big of a deal, especially if I'm supposed to be 9 weeks along, and they could have already peaked. Wondering if maybe it was  a blighted twin and they missed the living baby... after all, our sonogram was only at Advanced Radiology, and they do not specialize in OB ultrasounds. Wondering if I really am only 6 weeks along and the slight hcg drop was a fluke, or they messed up somehow....

I hate this because I don't want to get my hopes up, and I especially don't want to get DH's hopes up. I've felt so connected to him through this until now. Now I feel like I can't talk to him about what I am feeling, because I don't want to fill his head with doubt and hope.

I think if nothing has happened by my appointment on Friday, I am going to ask for another hcg test or sonogram. I think I need a smack in the face to accept this. I need to see a big drop in my levels, or no growth on the sonogram. Some more assurance.

I thought I had a handle on this, and I was taking it pretty well. But now I have all these insane thoughts. For example: Last year in July we almost lost our baby. She was 9 months old. I thought she was napping in the pack-n-play, and I checked on her, and she was hanging from a strap. Somehow she pulled on it and got it wrapped around her neck. She was white, her face was covered with purple spots, she wasn't breathing or moving. DH actually brought her back with CPR and she was air lifted to Johns Hopkins Pediatric ICU. She made a quick and full recovery, to everyone's shock. We thought she was going to die. They thought she was going to die. They said she should not have survived it, and she certainly should not have made a full recovery. Part of me wonders if this is payment for that.

My head knows that is ridiculous, and that the sonogram and hcg are enough proof that this pregnancy is over. I just can't shake these thoughts and fears and doubts this morning.

by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:19 AM
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by on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:39 AM
((((Hugs)))). I'm sorry it's been such a rough morning. I was going to suggest you do exactly what you mentioned for reassurance. Have another ultrasound. It's not uncommon to question anything, and's part of the process we go through.

And I know that rationally you know that you're not being punished for what happened to your baby last year. That must have been such a scary moment. It sound like someone was watching out for her, and you guys. Your baby has quite a story to tell!
by Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 8:48 AM
Agree with angela. Have another ultrasound for reassurance. And this is in no way a punishment for what happened to your baby. HUGS
by Platinum Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:33 AM
Honey we all have that doubt, I promise. I lost a baby at 19 weeks and could clearly see there was no heartbeat but I still made them do another ultrasound before they induced me that night. It's ok and better safe then sorry. But you are right not to get your hopes up. Maybe call your doc and see if you can go for an HCG drawl today, that way the results will be available for your appt Friday. Just tell the doc you want the test now so you can better discuss your options on Friday. Hugs honey
by Desiree-admin on Aug. 13, 2014 at 9:36 PM

*hugs* it's normal to wonder that the doctors could be wrong or missed something or even be earlier hen everyone thought. Denial is also apart of grief. Many people don't want to give up the hope everyone is wrong. 

by Bronze Member on Aug. 13, 2014 at 11:47 PM
I would absolutely request another u/s. That's what I did because I needed it for my own peace of mind. It sadly confirmed that my baby had died but it also showed a second baby that they had not seen on the first u/s. Both babies had died but I thank God for that second u/s because I never would have known that I was carrying twins. Plus the confirmation that the babies had stopped growing and had no heart beats was something I needed. I have known other moms who question "what if" and have regrets. You don't want to be in that position. Hugs.
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