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Trying to move foward

Posted by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 4:08 AM
  • 7 Replies
I began miscarrying around this time last month, completed my miscarriage at home alone because my partner was out of town for work. I was 8 weeks along and my first exam was done in the emergency room when I began bleeding and it didn't cease after two days and became heavier. At the er, they ran multiple tests, exams, all to tell me that either I had a blighted ovum, was already miscarrying, or it was too early to see anything or hear a heartbeat. I knew that I was losing my baby. I knew when I first started bleeding. My partner came home to me crying and scared on the couch. When I told him I was bleeding he laughed and said that was normal and tried to convince me it was nothing to worry about, but I already knew. I cried. We tried to talk about it, he said i was overreacting. And then he told me he didnt feel like it was a baby anyway. I was only eight weeks. But i did, I felt like a mother, I felt like i had a baby. It was so awful, feeling like there was no way he could understand, feeling so alone with it..I tried to believe him that everything was okay and I would go on to have a healthy baby, but after two days and no improvement I went to the hospital alone while he was at work. I was alone when the doctors told me, I was alone when the nurses tried to comfort me, I left the hospital alone and cried in my car. I came home and slept. I continued to bleed. I was supposed to go to the Dr two days later to follow up. I never made the call. I laid in bed while he was sleeping losing my baby alone. He left for his work trip less than two days later. He was gone for four days. I stopped bleeding the day after he came home. I feel so estranged from him. I tried to go back to work, I told close friends and family. He had told no one I was pregnant, so he had no one to tell that I wasn't anymore. We aren't married. We had started talking about buying a house together and getting married and I was happy, now the talks of marriage have stopped, we stopped looking at houses, he is less affectionate, distant emotionally, we don't talk nearly as much. He left again two days ago to go home for his sisters wedding, he won't be home until Saturday. I feel completely alone all over again. To make things worse I found a woman's hair tie in his gym bag when he was packing for his trip. I don't know what to think anymore. I am scared this miscarriage has caused a gap to form, and it just keeps growing. I don't know how to get back to myself, to go back to working on my goals and looking to the future. All I can think about is how I felt pure joy at the thought of being a mother, it was taken from me and now nothing else seems to fill that. I am five hundred miles from home, from all of my friends and family, he is gone, I'm completely alone. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before all of this happened. I want to go back to not thinking about a baby and being a mother. I want to stop feeling insecure and jealous and suspicious of him. I want to feel like I can talk to him again
by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 4:08 AM
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Sirius_dove
by New Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 4:52 AM
He also went out to eat with his friend from back home and was with her for three hours. He told me at one point she was attracted to him. She recently broke up with her ex. I'm consumed with jealousy.
1northwestmom
by on Oct. 29, 2015 at 6:14 AM
wow! Big hugs!
All that you said is so similar to my experience 6 months ago. I can't believe the similarities. My lo's due date was last month and I keep thinking, I should be holding a lo and having sleepless nights lol
I'm so sorry that you are feeling alone :(
Idk what to say, nothing, no words could've taken the pain I felt when I went through this, and the things that followed after.
I'm here for you, pm me anytime. I don't promise to have the answers but I do promise you, your not alone, I'm here for you, you don't need to face this alone.

Sending you positive energy, love and strength.
JeniLynn
by Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 11:03 AM
I am so sorry none of us should have to endure this pain alone that is why i am sure many of us are here. To help one another and be there for each other. You my dear wont be alone again through any of this we all have each other to lean on and go through these emotions together. As for your SO i have no words at the current moment other than he needs to become your partner again if there is lies being told to you then you must be strong and get out of there. You are a mother no matter the circumstances, we are all mothers we have angel babies. I too was 8 weeks along when we lost our little miracle. One day you will truly find your happiness you will become a mommy to your rainbow baby. You will never forget your lo never. For me i made a necklace to remember him or her and i still have our sonogram pictures up. Do something for yourself and the baby that is in heaven. Remember you will never be alone again in this battle of emotions we are all here for you.
Sending you so many hugs!!!
MamaJ123
by New Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 3:21 PM
((HUG)) I'm so sorry=(
You never think how hard it is to lose a child you've never seen until it happens to you. You'll never forgot them though, even when you have kids you will always remember the one who left to soon.
Prayers and hugs being sent your way
Sirius_dove
by New Member on Oct. 29, 2015 at 9:19 PM
Thank you all for your support and kind words. I am feeling a little better today. I decided that no matter what happens I will find a way to get through it. I am doing my best to reach out to friends and family. Posting in this forum helped more than I thought. I have been carrying around all of this inside my head wanting to go back to normal because I couldn't sit with myself or keep talking about it at the time and now I'm realizing that isn't working for me anymore and I need to make more of an effort to try to put what I experienced into words. Denying it happened is like minimalizing what I am going through and it is not helping me to play pretend. I want to own it and give it a name and I want to remember my baby, even if it was small or maybe never progressed. In my heart I had a baby, and so it is okay for me to feel this right now. I don't have to get back to normal or get over it, and I won't let anyone make me feel that way. After I decided this I started to feel better. I'm just hoping I don't have another bad day tomorrow and that I can find some lasting peace with myself
lovemylife_15
by Member on Oct. 30, 2015 at 7:54 AM
I was in a similar situation with my first loss, I was all alone and it sucked really bad. Nobody should have to go through that alone. My DH and I just lost our baby September 14th and he was my rock. He was much like yours, trying to convince me nothing was wrong but I knew better. He went with me to the appointment that confirmed our loss and I'm so thankful he was their because I lost it. He took care of our DD that evening, made me dinner and just laid with me. He took off work the following night and did the same because I didn't want to be alone. I'm sorry your SO isn't more understanding of what you're going through. I applaud you for being able to go back to work so soon, I literally laid around for almost 2 weeks and did absolutely nothing. ((Hugs))/it'll get a little easier with time. I'm not sure the pain ever fully subsides.
Sirius_dove
by New Member on Nov. 1, 2015 at 2:18 PM
I think that going back to work was the best thing I could've done. I knew if I stayed at home I would completely lose it, but I am also glad I gave myself a week to process it all. It's still a process but my job is really fun and I enjoy being there and the people I work with are great. I am also seeing a therapist tomorrow morning and hopefully that will help too. I started to believe everything in my life was falling apart and I didn't feel like anything was worth doing, but I'm slowly getting back to myself and remembering my goals before I found out I was pregnant. I'm just hoping that our relationship survives all of this. I'm questioning a lot of things now and I am wondering if staying here away from my family and friends is worth it. I don't want to feel completely separated from everyone anymore. Especially not from the person I am supposed to be closest to. I can only think what if something like this happens again, a death in the family or another miscarriage or what have you, and how going through it with a partner I feel like I can't communicate with would just amplify everything I'm already feeling. They say either your relationship is strengthened or it falls apart
I'm in the dark about our future now. But I am finding my sense of self again, so my only comfort is knowing that I am strong and I will be okay no matter what.
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