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The Story Of My Angel, Isaiah Bradley.

Posted by on Apr. 20, 2009 at 12:02 AM
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When I found out I was pregnant I was needless to say terrified. I'm only 19 and I've seen so many terrible things go wrong with pregnancy, I didn't want those things to happen to me. It didn't take long however, for me to get over all those feelings and grow to love the little baby that was growing inside of me. I would rub my belly and talk to him(i started showing at 6 weeks.), I prayed every night for the health and wellbeing of my baby. I was consumed by a love that was the most intense and pure thing I had ever felt in my life. Things seemed to be going well, and when my best friend came home from school for the weekend, I made the 45 min treck to my hometown to see her. We planned a fun girls night complete with dinner out and to see a movie that would take us back to our silly kid days, hannah montana the movie. What started out as a fun girls night out, quickly turned into the most terrifying night of my life. We went to dinner and decided to walk around wal-mart to kill some time before the movie(its really the only thing to do in my hometown.) I decided I needed to pee really badly, so we went to the bathroom. My joy quickly turned into panic as soon as I wipped and saw light pink on the tissue paper. We immediately rushed to the ER, which where I'm from is a 3 minute drive from the wal-mart. They got me straight back to a room. The light pink turned in the 3 minutes to the hospital to a brown when we got there. I was terrified and my heart rate showed it, I was resting at 135bpm. The doctor did a full workup. Pelvic exam, US(both abdominal and vaginal), and bloodwork. He said things looked fine and that some women spot in early pregnancy. I was to take it easy and go to a follow up appt to check my HCG levels. I spent the weekend crying off and on worried for my babies life. I went on monday they did bloodwork and another US. They informed me that my hormone level had risen, but only by 1000, and its supposed to double ever 48-72 hours....She then informed me that in the US, they couldn't detect a heartbeat or a fetal pole....I had a healthy gestational sack that was measuring 6w5d....I was at that point 10 weeks along. I was told to come back on weds for more bloodwork and a dr appt on thurs...I spent those days completely ridden in pain. on thursday I was informed that my hormone levels had begun to slowly decline, only by about 150. The doctor continued to tell me that because my body wasn't aborting very well on its own, that a D&C would be needed to not only provide for my health, but for my mental wellbeing as well. she then informed me of what happened with my seemingly normal pregnancy. I had an early pregnancy failure(blighted ovum). While my uterus and body continued to change and the gestational sack continued to grow, my baby had been aborted much earlier and had been reaborbed by my body. I was devestated. I have my D&C in the morning(monday 4/20/09)....I'm terrified and I'm lost. Losing my baby has been the hardest thing i have ever been through...And i've had no shortages of bad things in my life, I spent my childhood being abused and was removed from my mothers home at the age of 13....But I can't help but think that the overwhelming depression that i'm feeling isn't normal....everyone seems to expect me to be over it already, and I'm just not. it hasn't even been a full week since I knew for sure....I don't want to eat, I can't sleep, I can't be alone in the dark because it leaves me no room to distract my mind, I don't want to talk and I don't enjoy doing anything...its consumed my entire life. i would do anything to bring my baby back but I know I can't and that kills me....Is it normal for me to feel like this???

 

Don't get me wrong, I count myself lucky for the 10 weeks I got with my angel, but I don't know how to continue...I mean i'm expected to go back to work just a day after having my D&C, and at this point I can't even face my family let alone strangers at work and my co-workers....

and i'm left with feelings of loss, anger, frustration, guilt, blame, depression, helplessness, and unter devestation..I feel dead inside....I can't even think straight so I appologize if this talks in circles...regardless of the bleeding, I am still trying to convince myself that in november I wont be going on maternity leave because I wont be having a baby.....

should I seek help? or are these feelings normal???

please help.

-Ashley

by on Apr. 20, 2009 at 12:02 AM
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Replies (1-2):
ainsiesmommy
by on Apr. 20, 2009 at 5:51 PM

It would be best to talk to someone. When I suffered mine in Nov. I had a great resources of friends who helped. Talk to a councelor or someone it will really help.

norahsmommy
by New Member on Apr. 22, 2009 at 10:42 PM

I am sorry for your loss.  Its really hard and confusing. Mine was at 12 wks.  I thought everything was find until 9 wks and started bleeding a bit.  I got put on progesterone and then I felt fine again.  Then at 11 wks I had an ultrasound and they saw a 6 wk gestational sac and no fetal pole or heartbeat.  It was devistating.  I knew then my baby had died, even though they said nothing to me, just follow up with your doc on monday.  Hubby didn't even get it and told a lady we knew as we were leaving the hospital how excited we were to be having a baby.  I told him right after that our baby was gone and cried the rest of the day.  It was awful.  Hubby told me I was being overly dramatic and that the baby was just too small to see yet.  Well I know (because I actually read the books) that at 11 weeks we should have been able to see alot.  Anyway I was in a great deal of pain the rest of the week, mentally and physically until I miscarried at 12 wks.  I was in a very dark place and asked myself all sorts of questions.  Was it my fault, maybe I didn't want the baby enough, did I do something to cause it to happen?  I didn't feel any releif until I found out I was pregnant again, but it was not a total fix.  I still sink back into depression and I desperately miss my child.  If you need to talk to someone, do.  It does help.  Find someone you can trust, perhaps someone who has experience with loss.  I found I couldn't talk to anyone but people on here and another miscarriage group. My husband was the only person in my life here I could talk to about it.  No one else understood.  Again I am sorry for your loss, and if you ever need to talk, just pm me. 

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is also a government big enough to take from you all that you have." - Gerald Ford

"They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety  deserve neither liberty nor safety." - Benjamin Franklin

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction.  We didn't pass it on to our children in the bloodstream.  It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same, or one day we will spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children what it was once like in the United States where men were free."  - Ronald Reagan

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