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What should be the happiest time in my life..

Posted by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:15 PM
  • 5 Replies

I have a beautiful and quite amazing son. He's 27 days old. I gave birth on May 7th at 453 am. I tried to make it at 423am since my father who passed away August 27th from a 2 year battle with cancer was his birthday (April 23rd). My son was completely blue and not breathing for 3 minutes. He also had sepsis. I never saw him. He was immedietly taken to NICU. He was was there for 36 hours. How some might see that as not that long, it was a lifetime for me. I idid not get to see him for 7 hours. The longest ones i had ever witnessed. I was in the hospital with him for 8 hours before we left. He lost 13 ounces our first two days home. Then he was admitted into the peds unit at our local hospital. He had Jaundice and had now lost another 6 ounces.

We were there 2 days. At the end of our first night there it started. I didn't want him. I couldn't stand to look into his eyes. It was absolute dispair for me to hold him. I hated what i was feeling but, i couldn't do anything to stop it. I then had this breakdown in the middle of the unit. It was extremely embarassing. Social Work was called in. My boyfriend and I didn't know how to look at me. I then left home with my 5 day old son and moved in with my aunt and uncle. We stayed there for 15 days. I came home two nights and slept over. I still felt as though i didn't want him but, it was getting better since I was back on some medication for depression and a panic disorder.

Then he wanted us home. I missed him. I missed us. I came back. But, it's still not gone. I still feel as though my son doesn't need me or want me. I feel as though i'm not a good enough mother for him. I love him so. More then anyone person in my whole life. He's beautiful. He stares at me as though i'm the love of his life.

I was recentely told that I have postpartum depression and not just the baby blues. Which just amps up my panic disorder. My meds just aren't cutting it. I don't know what to do. Where to go. I'm just so lost inside of my own head.

I'm stumbling. I just need to be heard

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:15 PM
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Replies (1-5):
by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 12:35 PM

 i'm sorry you feel that way. but he does need you and want you, you are his only momma.

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:33 PM

 PPD is hard to deal with. I had it with my first. He needs you more then anyone else right now. You are his mommy and he loved you before he saw you. You need to contact your Dr if the meds are not helping with the PPD. (((HUGS)))

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 1:53 PM
We're here to listen to you hun!
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by Ruby Member on Jun. 3, 2010 at 2:32 PM

*hugs* I don't personally know what you're going through, but I just want to say to hang in are very much needed, and try to think about the fact that you gave him the gift of life, and he needs you in order to keep it. He loves you very much and needs you now more than he probably ever will. Hold him close and cherish the moments you have with him...he won't stay a baby forever! *hugs* 

by on Jun. 3, 2010 at 6:59 PM

I dont know what your going through my baby has not arrived but I do know that when my biological mother had me she had many issues with emotional and phsychological problems but refused meds or help I was given up for adoption at 6 weeks old. So I respect you in so many ways as a human being and a mother since you are trying to reach out for help and support and your son would thank you if he understood what was going on

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