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The "Shoulds"

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:11 PM
  • 8 Replies

When you talk to yourself do you use the word "Should" alot. According to Lucinda Bassett author of From Panic to Power,

and I Quote: people who suffer from anxiety have unrealistic expectations. You can't possible be in control of everything at all times so you can't always achieve exactly what you want. Things aren't always fair and nothing is perfect, but people with anxiety usually don't remember that.

STOP "shoulding" on yourself.

Don't let other people "should" on you either. Many of us have a head full of "should" that are still hanging around from our childhood. You've gathered "should" in different places along the way, but wherever they orginated, they all need to be reexamined and reworded. The point is to decide which ones are yours and which ones aren't Then you can decide to get rid of the ones that don't serve you or don't reflect your own desires.

Examples:

I should be able to handle my anxiety. I should be a good mother. I should be able to lose weight. I should be able to controll my emotions better.

So how do you stop "Shoulds"  Change the way you talk to yourself. Example: "I should be able to handle my anxiety" to " I would like to handle my anxiety better. "

Should suggest you lack something.It makes you feel not good enough unless you do things a certain way. So if you change that to "I would like to" it suggest a goal a desire with out any pressure. 

sharon

by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:11 PM
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Replies (1-8):
fallentears1986
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:21 PM

wow this is really interesting, I should myself all the time. Thanks for sharing!

Krickett2907
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 1:23 PM

Im more of a blamer He should instead of I should if you find something about that please share

soccerjunki
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:00 PM

 I am totally a "should 'er"  and a "wisher" ..or ..a "could 'aver" !! Thank you for posting this. Is it not amazing at the things WE do to ourselves...and the ways WE can help ourselves, if we just gave ourselves the opportunity.

soccerjunki
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:05 PM

 

Quoting Krickett2907:

Im more of a blamer He should instead of I should if you find something about that please share

 I think that as mothers AND wives, & the main caretakers of our families ( and everything that goes with it) we are all guilty of the HE SHOULD...and Why can't YOU?

I think what helps here, or what helped me..is to make a list with specific things that I would like for my husband to help with. ( it also helps to make it a realistic list..LOL>>) like mine right now works full time & then some, b/c he is on-call 24/7 AND goes to school full time as well. So my list is kinda short these days LOL...

Also it could help IF there is some deeper issue that you may have with your husband..something you blame him for, or some other reason that you are upset with him. IF this is the case you could be dealing with it in this way instead of actually addressing the real issue. JMO though..

lcat
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 2:31 PM

I wrote a post "How to be Your Own Best Friend" and I was talking about self talk. 

Yes, we do a lot of that should, would, could and maybe.  Also, guilt.  I can say, I've gotten over everyone except the guilt.  My shrink keeps telling me that I should release the guilt I feel that I caused my children, see I'm bipolar and had many trips to the hospital, years ago.  My children had a hard life because of me not being in the picture. But the Shrink says "look at the wonderful children you raised, without you they would not be the wonderful young adults they are."

He's right about them being great, they are.  I'm very proud of them.  They are such kind people and they have a bond between them so strong that it surprises me.

I'm working on my guilt piece, and hope someday I can forgive myself for all the hardtimes my children went through because of me. 

Xantho
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 5:10 PM

 I did the should thing yesterday when BM ruined Kasha's time at what was supposed to have been a great time for her.

pinklady77
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 5:17 PM

To the YOU Should (meaning DH)

     If we "should" on ourselves and it doesn't motivate us to want to do things.  I don't think it will work on our DH's either. Sounds like a communication issue to me. Say! that sounds like another good topic to discuss. 

 

pinklady77
by on Jun. 13, 2010 at 5:44 PM

   Now I know all you young mothers don't have a lot of time in a day, but what I do almost everyday is start a to do list. If I get even one thing done on that list I celebrate it, because it was something positive for that day. Than everyday is a good day because I found at least one thing good. Before I use to only keep record of my bad/sad days which kept me sad so I don't do that anymore. I have bad/sad days but I try to come up with solutions to my problems. I don't look for perfection it's unattainable. I hope this post that made since.

Sharon

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