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I need an opinion

Posted by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:40 AM
  • 27 Replies

 My SO and I got into a fight last night. I had a few beers and he took the conversation with his "best friend" out back. I wound up listening to his conversation because I got really bored and he's been talking to her for a few hours. I'm going to give his side of the story first.

He's known his "best friend" for six years, we've only been together for two. They used to be very passionate but things didn't work out and they wound up as "best friends" instead.

Here's some history:

He used to tell me that he told her he loved her all the time because she was like a sister to him until one day he was making perverted jokes about her sucking his junk in front of me and I just brushed it pff thinking he was joking. Well she asked him about me being jeolus and he said no uh sarah.... and I was like no I'm not jealous, she's like a sister to you so I kinda think that's gross. He paused told her what I said and ever since then started saying she's more than a friend because he could have a sexual relationship with her.

One point he told her infront of me that if me and him were not together, he would be with her. I asked him about it and he said he just said that to make her feel better.

I've told him at another point in time that if he was to talk with her on the phone, not to do it infront of me anymore because I couldn't stand that he was romantic with her... (telling her how he still cares about her and that he would always be there for her... etc...)

Last night I listened to there conversation, she's currently single and she's been having guy problems. She's been feeling like no guy would want her.... My SO' fix to this problem (well his excuse for it anyway.) Tell her how beautiful she is, and that kissing her (from a past experience) made him feel like he was zeus and nothing could ever put him down.... then I finally couldn't stand it anymore when he got into his seductive voice (which he claims he didn't know he did.) and got quiet about something and the next thing I knew, I heard him still in his seductive voice, say "you know how much that excites me just talking about it?"

I flew out there and told him that I wanted to end this relationship because I didn't want to be this second rate girl. He has never been romantic like that with me or even remotly poetic, I actually didn't realize he was mushy like that until I heard that last night.

We got into a fight, he told me that he's that way with her because he's comfertable with her like that, he knows that they wont go any further than that. She lives in Ohio and we live in kansas. There has been a few times he asked if she could stop by and see eachother and I've always told him no. He's even asked if she could go to our wedding when we have one, as of last night, I want to tell him no. He tells me that he's in love with me and that he's just inlove with the idea of her. He's had all night conversations with her before and this is the first i've listened in... apparently this was the first time in a long time he's done that stuff with her because she was having guy problems and he was just trying to boost her ego so she'll go back out and look for guys to date her again so he wouldn't have to be the one to tell her this. I think he's full of crap.

I know if I told him I didn't want him and her to talk, he'd either show resentment twards me for that, or he'd talk to her behind my back. So I feel like I'm at a dead end on this subject and seriously thinking about leaving him. He's had other instances with other women doing sexual things. He said he couldn't really be with her because she tries to be dominant. We wound up talking all night last night about his past and stuff.

Anyway, he thinks I'm overreacting, I told him fine, i'll ask you guys on here what you would think because I doubt any woman would stand to be in my situation.

by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
chadsmom05
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 9:56 AM
that would sooooooo not be ok with me. in fact i would demand it eithe be me or her and let him make the choice. i would also flip out on the girl because she is fully aware of you. im so sorry sweetie, good luck and do whats best for you!
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CAMKsMom
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:04 AM

You are involved in a threeway relationship.  Sometimes people can make it work.  Sometimes they can't.  If this is not something you want to be a part of, you need to move on.  The entire time I read this post I was reminded of Ferris Bueller's Day Off when Ferris has come to pick up his girlfriend from school while he is posing as her father.  As the principal looks on, the couple kisses, and the principal remarks, "So, that's how it is in their family." 

For your own piece of mind, you need to make a choice.  You either give 100% to the threeway relationship or you give 100% to moving on.  I wouldn't waste your time asking your man to choose between the two of you.  He either won't choose or you may get left in the dust based on what you have said here.

Been there, done that and that life is not for me!

CAMKsMom
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:08 AM


Quoting chadsmom05:

in fact i would demand it eithe be me or her and let him make the choice.

To apologize in advance: My response was not arguing against your advice.  I gave the advice I did based on my own experience and had not seen your post. Cheers!

JaivonsMommy
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:09 AM
It sounds like he really wants her and is just covering up what he said to her. Why would he have said those things if he didn't mean it. Sounds like you have a cheater/ potential cheater. I know its easier said then done but i would drop him like a bad habit.
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soccerjunki
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:34 AM

 I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you what I would do...and that is tell him to hit the flippin road!!!!

First, you are setting yourself up to be cheated on,..been there( there is a reason why I have an ex-husband..that is just a TINY reason though..)..second, I don't think  he is telling you the truth about what he feels for her and /or what he is saying to her. If he is committed to YOU and YOUR relationship, then that stuff would NEVER come out of his mouth to another woman, If he says that he feels more comfortable with her, then I would oblige him. I don't think giving him an ultimatum in this situation would work, at least not for me, because no matter if he does stay with you , how could you possibly trust him?? EVER??

I am a big TRUST person..you either get it and keep it, or you don't. I trust my husband, and can not imagine listening to him have a conversation like that with someone else.

I am really sorry for what you are going through, but in the end,,you are the only one that can do what YOU feel is right..GOOD LUCK!!

casah4
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 10:52 AM

 In my opinion, what he's doing is extremely inappropriate, disrespectful toward you, and very hurtful.  He should distance himself from her completely and focus on his relationship with you. He has proven that he can't handle just having a normal friendship with her.  Sorry, hon. I hope you guys can work something out.

annaica
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 11:22 AM
wow that is some major BS... ok whenever I feel unsure of what I should do, I trust my gut- women's intuition usually will lead you where you need to be. If you feel you can't handle him lusting over other women (and who could blame you? no woman I know is ok with this idea) then stay with him, try to work it out. If you know you can't tolerate him wanting another woman any longer and want to rip him to shreds every time you think about it then maybe he is not right for you in the long run... What do you feel inside? sry sweetie! HUGS:)
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annaica
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 11:26 AM
Sorry my message is not right... If you think there is any way to work this out then try to do what you can and at least you can say you gave it your all. I meant to put that in there and I skipped pass it :-P
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Serenitymom
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 12:09 PM

 Thanks ladies... I dont mind the advise no matter how harsh because I feel the same way... I dont want to be apart of what they have. After I wrote this post, I had a melt down. I cried for like two hours and talked with him about it more. I told him that I cant get it out of my head what he had said to her, that I couldn't even stand the thought of him talking to her anymore. I even said I cant trust him now because what he did he did behind my back, and now I'm going to be even more paranoid than before. He told me that he'd pack his bags and move in with the neighbor then, and I agreed. It really hurts and I thank you guys for your replies.

Serenitymom
by on Jul. 25, 2010 at 12:11 PM

 

Quoting annaica:

Sorry my message is not right... If you think there is any way to work this out then try to do what you can and at least you can say you gave it your all. I meant to put that in there and I skipped pass it :-P

 I dont think I can get over this, the only other way to do this right is to go to counciling, but I dont think I can stay with him while I wait to get into therapy. There were two other instances that he did something with another woman that had hurt me and as far as my inner voice, that even tells me I need to leave because I thought before he do something again, but I trusted him to change. I dont want him to hurt me again.... So I think I've made my decision.

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