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Forgiveness

Posted by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 6:33 PM
  • 7 Replies

Here's a little bit of a back story on my situation...

When I was born, my biological father was in jail for statutory rape(he was 19 and cheated on my mom, who was 16, with a 14 year old girl). When he got out, he never wanted anything to do with me, and never even paid ANY child support for me. And my mom moved with me to Arizona when I was around a year old. He never tried to maintain contact. I never knew him, and I was raised by my step-dad(who is my "daddy") since I was 2...my daddy is the greatest dad ever, and I love him so much.

When I was 16, my mom was really messed up on drugs and when I tried to make an intervention she kicked me out. I moved in with my best friend, and things were going very well. I was working and still in school. When my working permit expired, I needed $40 so that I could get it renewed and so I asked my grandma, but she didn't have it, but told me to try to call my biological father to see if he'd help me out. She found his number(she kept contact with one of my uncles) and I called him...he was living in Massachusetts(I lived in Connecticut at the time) and asked if I'd like to spend a weekend with him, so I figured I'd give him a chance even though I grew up hating him for not wanting me. I spent the weekend with him and then he wanted me to come with him to Puerto Rico for a week for vacation...I told him I couldn't because of school, since if you get 10 absences in 1 year, they fail you...regardless. He convinced me to go, and he brought me here and dropped me off at my grandparents' house and 3 days later went back to Mass. He literally abandoned me here...my grandpa was never at the house because he had another house on an island off of the main island and was also a dentist there...and my grandma has Alzheimer's. I had to live with them and no help and obviously, I couldn't get into school since nobody had custody of me and I couldn't get any help. A month later, I met my now husband...he started taking care of me...he would buy me clothes and stuff since I had only packed a small suitcase when I came out here since I was only supposed to be here a week...he would take me to get groceries and he made sure I had the things I needed. He tried to register me in school, but nobody would let him. My "dad" came back a year later and his wife and 2 kids moved in with us. He wouldn't let me go back, and he hated my now husband...He was an alcoholic and he would always lie to me about things to try to get money from me or Emilio(my now husband). When I turned 18, my mom had been clean for a year and had just gotten custody of my sister again and she bought me a ticket to go and visit her. I stayed there for almost a month and I came back because of Emilio...I loved him and we'd been together for 2 years and I was happy...well, I came back and my "dad" refused to let me go in the house. He told me that I was supposed to stay in CT and not come back and that I would have to live with Emilio because he didn't want to take care of me anymore. He wouldn't even let me pick up my things...he said he'd "mail them to me." (I got them one day while he was working.) I moved in with Emilio and have lived here since. Since I was 18, I was able to put myself in a program to get my high school diploma,

About 2 1/2 years ago, his wife left him, but I keep in contact with her. She got tired of his lying and cheating and drinking and moved on. He got another girlfriend and had the nerve to show up at our home last year to try and impress her and act like he was a good father. After that I sent him an email to get him out of my life...I want nothing to do with him. I told him if he ever shows up here again, I'll call the police...he's not welcome.

Well, now I'm a little over 23 weeks pregnant, and he doesn't know, nor do I want him to know. My "dad's" ex-wife called me to tell me she got the invitation for my baby shower and asked if I was inviting my "dad". I was honest and told her "No. And I don't want him to even know I'm pregnant. I'd rather not have him in my life, or my daughter's. We don't need that." And she said that I'm going to be a mother now, and I have to learn to forgive him...but I don't want to forgive him. I want nothing to do with him, and I don't want him in my life, or my daughter's. And frankly, my husband wants nothing to do with him either.She says that I'm being too harsh.

Do you think I am? I honestly don't think I am...I mean the man has literally done NOTHING for me but screw up my life.

I'm just looking for opinions...


 

by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 6:33 PM
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Replies (1-7):
cafemom40
by on Aug. 7, 2010 at 6:57 PM

 You have every right not to have this man in your life anymore. Enough is enough....you have been more than forgiving in your past.

You are an amazingly strong woman and smart. Trust your instincts......I would definitely not want that type of person in my life or around any of my children.

You're not being harsh or vindictive, only rational!!

I agree with you 200%.

Serenity7
by Silver Member on Aug. 7, 2010 at 6:57 PM

 At the end of the day other people opinions don't matter. It is how you feel that counts. Forgiveness is for you not the other person. You can forgive someone and not have them in your life. I never tell someone how they should or should not feel.

seraphim68
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 6:30 AM

I absolutley agree with Serenity. When or if you get to the place of wanting to forgive people in your life it doesn't mean they get a  clean slate and free pass back in. It just can mean your at a place of peace with the past, that it no longer torments you. 

NJPhotoMom
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 7:02 AM

First of all....I'm so sorry that you had to endure what you did.  You've had it rough.  I can't tell you what you need to do....but I can tell you what I would do.  I would keep my distance.  You gave more chances then I think I would have. He's proven time and time again.....he's not interested and you know what that did to you. Why subject a baby to that?  As an adoptee....here's something I've always known.....it takes a lot more then sperm to be a daddy.  Your "daddy" is the man who raised you.  Keep your head up and don't let anyone tell you what you need to do.  You know in your heart already. 

emarin77
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 11:31 AM

I feel for you because I feel the same about my mother's family that never told my dad about my mother's schizophrenia when she was a teenager.  I was so young at age 7 when my mother told her sister  on the phone she was hearing voices I did not understand that I needed to tell my dad too.  Soon after I learned from my grandmother on my dad's side that the psychologist believes she has had an episode in her teens, I wanted nothing to do with my mother's parents.. 

Now if they wanted to meet my children, I think I would because I do not want to be hearing from my children when they get older "why haven't I met my great grandparents?"  My son has already met one of them which is my dad's father.  Knowing that you are pregnant with a child is not about you directly, it is about the child that will be born.

Now if your father wanted to see you or spend time with you, you have the choice of not seeing him because of your pain that he caused you.

Does your father know the pain you have toward him?  Have you ever told him by phone or written letter?  That reminds me I am going to write a letter to my grandparents and explain my pain. that I have.

Surrender
by on Aug. 8, 2010 at 12:24 PM

You have every right to your own feelings. Your bio dad did wrong by you and I think anyone in your situation would feel as you do. However, no one can tell you whether or not to forgive. But, realize that you CAN forgive, but you don't have to have a relationship or even see him again. The two can be separate and I have done this very thing with people in my own life.

Someone said forgiveness is for yourself, not the other person. I agree.


jazi1105
by Ruby Member on Aug. 8, 2010 at 3:11 PM

Thank you all. I don't intend on letting my "dad" into my life again and I truly do not want to subject my daughter to that either. My daddy(step dad) is going to be all the grandpa she'll need, if not more.

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