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i need to get this out, please dont bash

Posted by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 2:43 AM
  • 14 Replies

before i start, i just want everyone to know i am going to my 7wk post partum check up tomorrow, and plan on bringing this up to the doctor.

i want to die. most days i would rather die than face whatever it is that the day might bring. and on the days that i dont feel that way, i wish i was dead by the end of the day. THIS IS NOT ME!!!! I am stronger than this. IDK what is going on but no matter how hard i try to fight it, i cant control it. how is it that i dont even know my own self? i have a 2 yo and an almost 7 wk old. i have medical issues and a husband that cant be in the picture right now. i dont want to be too specific because i am pretty active in several groups on cm and im trying to be as anonymous as possible.

dont get me wrong- i LOVE my kids. I dont think about hurting them or anything like that. I wouldnt hurt myself because of the damage it would do to my kids and husband. but it still crosses my mind daily. im in so much pain, and im this person who hates everything and is so weak and cant just get the fuck over this. i hate myself for being this way. so i would just rather be dead. im overwhelmed. and i know i WONT hurt myself, but it doesnt change the fact that i want to. what is WRONG with me!??!?!

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 2:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 2:58 AM
The timing and emotions seem like postpartum depression to me.
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by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 3:08 AM

i was thinking the same. im just such a mess and have no support since my husband cant be here, and i dont want to bother him with it and i also just feel lie its so uncharacteristic of me and i feel foolish.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 3:11 AM

I"m actually going through the same thing you are but I'm currently pregnant.  The doctor believes it is the pregnancy and hormonal imbalance causing the depression and put me on a med and I feel so much better, though not 100 percent but I was so happy to be pregnant at first then after the first month or so there were days I didn't wanna get out of bed or face the world or really just give a damn about anything it sucked I know exactly how you feel and I would definitely talk to your doc about it!  Good luck and hang in there!

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 3:13 AM

hugs Any type of depression can consume our lives without us even realizing it.  I am glad that you are going to bring this up in your appointment tomorrow.  I strongly recommend that you see a counsoler as well.  I haven't been to that point, but I have been to some pretty dark areas before so I do understand.  The best think you can do for you and your family is to get treatment and help as quickly as possible.  Do you have any friends or family near by that you can spend time with, talk to, and maybe get some help from since your husband can't be there right now?  Good luck mama.  You will pull through this, just keep your head up and know there is a light at the end of the tunnel even though it may be hard to see right now.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 4:11 AM

 Hey girl, I am almost positive it is post partum depression.  First off, I am so proud of you willing to talk to your doctor and willing to talk on here. Depression can make you very weak, emotionally as well as physically.  It can drain the life out of you and make it so you don't recognize the person in the mirror.  It is normal and it can be overcome. Please stop bashing yourself and realize that you have friends who can help, a doctor who will help and a new baby as well as the older child who loves you dearly. It's hard. i have dealt with chronic depression and socitial anxiety for over 10 years now, on medication and still have thoughts of suicide. As you, I would never do it but the thoughts are there as a result of the depression.  If you would like someone to talk to and not judge, pm me and we can talk. Hugs girl, know you are not alone and we will be here.

by Silver Member on Aug. 24, 2010 at 4:39 AM

 Get help from your doctor

Linda-1-9.png picture by Hope7

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 9:01 AM

definitely PPD, mine started before I had my kids and carried on for about a year afterwards.


Definitely talk to your doctor and know you're not alone in this.

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 9:31 AM
I have felt the exact same way.
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by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 10:13 AM

thank yall so much for the support. just knowing that i can get it out instead of trying to push it to the back of my mind is so helpful

by on Aug. 24, 2010 at 2:33 PM

I've hated myself for being so down ... been depressed about being depressed .... it's like kickiing yourself when you are down.

I can relate ... I have always felt that children are safe with me; I love them and take good care of them ... never think of hurting them though I do sometimes think of doing something to myself

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