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No one understands

Posted by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:38 PM
  • 8 Replies
My relationship with my Mom. We only live ten minutes apart and we never see savviest. We can't be around eachother because she always fights with me. She's been mentally abusive all my life was physical when I was younger. Over re years I just try to not talk to her because she's always so hateful and picking at me. Sometimes things come up where I need her help and she makes it so difficult just asking her to get the kids at school ending on a fight and her reminding lecture she doesn't need to help me. I got mad yelled at her and we she got home she calls and yelled at me more and when she wouldn't listen to me I hung up. I'm so tired of this relationship. She doesn't think it's her faulted we just can't talk. I've been having a really hard year money problems and I can't keep going on being treated so badly. The kicker is my DH thinks I need to talk to her and be nicer, but I 'am most of the time I bite my tongue ad just listen but I'm not perfect and I have problems that she has no idea the way I feel. It's just not fair and wish I could just get her out of my life. Thanks for reading
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by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:38 PM
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by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 2:56 PM
Hello Deb., I understand how you feel. I was what I call, disowned for 20 yrs. (total..happen twice) by my parents. because, I couldnt play their game. my mom then wrote, 'go to hell and never contact them again'. another time, she wrote how blessed she is to have THREE kids and SIX grandkids, left out me and my kids. so, I never contacted them. I thought she would, to say sorry. but nothing for 16 yrs. Diane
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:05 PM
cont.) we started talking again, after the death of my sis. I didnt want to go like that, but felt after that letter, thats what she wanted. All I would say, is try and see if she'd go along with counseling with you. sometimes, lack of comm. is the key problem. and IF YOU TRIED, then I feel separation is necessary for your health and happiness. let ur mom miss you and time to think. Diane
by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:25 PM

Hi Deb,

I am concerned about why you're using her to help out if she's been abusive. This may come as a judgemental statement however, I am a single mom that raised three kids and since I had a love/hate relationship with my mom I learned I had to do without her. It was very rough at times thing is even though my mother treated my kids better than what I had with her she often lost her patience, blew up now and then, and my children could see what went on between the two of us.

Is there any way you can end the cycle of abuse and not require her assistance and just keep it to occasional visits. This way you can make your own decisions and stand on your own. What about DH can he help out, maybe a family member, a neighbor even? 

I am not minimizing what you are feeling and I think your relying on her will always be an issue. I found a way and I stop by for a visit now and then. I keep my information to a minimum with her and keep total control of my life. I am thinking this is probably best for anyone. As for DH its really difficult for someone to understand unless its their relationship, hang in there.


by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 3:39 PM

I suppose one can't really understand unless they've been in your shoes.  Most of the time a problematic relationship cannot be blamed on just one person ... it generally takes two for their to be arguments.  I don't know the situation so I don't want to say much.  Hope you can find a solution that works FOR YOU (because everyone's situation is different)

by on Feb. 9, 2011 at 7:20 PM

  Deb, your mom sounds a lot like my husband. Wanting to help, but just so opinionated it hurts! There are times I just wish I could put some duct tape on his mouth, so he will have to be silent for two minutes. I let him ramble on, then correct him another day. 

by rho on Feb. 9, 2011 at 10:03 PM

 I know exactly how you feel I avoid my mom as much as possible because she is a trigger of mine.  I don't ask her for anything and I barely talk to her because I can't stand the mental abuse any longer

right there with you

by on Feb. 10, 2011 at 10:19 AM

honey, i understand this. and i feel for you. parents are not always who or what we want them to be. my suggestion is to surround yourself with friends and ppl who support you for who you are and love you for who you are.

i have a very awkward and strained rela with my dad. he is 71 and i am 41. my entire life i either worshipped him or was afraid of him. he can still melt me to puddle of tears and self doubt. he was emotionally abusive ( i believe he was as well from his mother and from possibly witnessing abuse bxn his parents/ his dad was bi polar)... no excuse though.

i would limit your contact as much as possible with your mom. must be so hard when she is so close in prox to you. my parents live 5 hours away, but his face and tone and words are still in my head. 

is your father alive? do you have support from dh's family? other relatives or siblinngs? my sister and i are close we share a lot of stories, laughs and advice. she is the only person who 'gets' the issues with my dad and can actually spin humor on it so we both laugh at times.

find someone else to be in your inner circle.

also, there is therapy out there. i know, i"ve been in it for 4 yrs and i am on meds for depression.

take care,


by on Feb. 10, 2011 at 10:30 AM
Hey deb. My sister and my mother live in the same city and have only seen each other about 2 times in the last 2 years. But it is better that way. Some ppl are not compatible no matter how hard u try. I have issues with my mom being motherly too. She is very overwhelming at times and it is all I can do to talk to her every week. I hope you know a lot of us feel similiar to how you feel... and I can tell you we are here anytime you wanna talk about it :) I do think writing all your feelings down helps and may make it easier to undetrstand exactly how you feel so you can actually tell thoose in your life the way you feel. Maybe if your mom hearsa how she affects your mood, she will begin to see the light... I hope that you are able to get thru this. Like I said we are here! Hugs!
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