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My Husband makes me want to SCREAM!!!

Posted by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:12 AM
  • 8 Replies

Hello! I am new to this site and I am also a new wife, recently married in June 2011. We have a 16 month old and I am 12 weeks pregnant. We have had our personal struggles and are trying to deal with them day by day. So here is why I am posting. I am a full time hair stylist. I get off of work then I pick up our 16 month old. First he gets off at 5:00 and I get off at 6:00. I think it would help if he picked her up when he got off of work. Also all week last week he had paid vacation. He watched our daughter for 4 hours his first day off but with the help of his little cousin who is in middle school ( My daughter LOVES him) so basically he wasnt watching her at all. I even woke up early and picked up the entire house did dishes and everything so he didn't have that stress on him. I did mention that this was his first time ever with her for more than 1 hour alone right? That is the only time that he had our daughter all week. Also he sat in his chair all day the rest of the week and didnt clean a thing.  I just feel like I am going to explode! This morning I was informed that he is done doing any type of housework and that I am LAZY. It is my resonsiblity to do all of the familys laundry dishes and pick up after everyone. Last time I checked I wasn't a stay at home mom (Although I wish I was). Does he need to help or should I suck it up and deal with it?? Thank you for letting me vent.

by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:12 AM
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Replies (1-8):
lyrick24
by Group Admin on Aug. 17, 2011 at 8:52 AM

no thats not fair. if you work longer hours than he does and youre pregnant too and already have one t hen he needs to be helping. i would try to sit down and have a long talk with him or try to get him to go to some counseling. if that doesnt work stop doing anything for him. stop doing  his laundry, cooking his dinner, washing his plates. just go on strike if you have to.

wondra
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 9:49 AM

His way of thinking is so wrong! A marriage is a 50/50 deal where you both are expected to do things equally. If he is not giving 50% then he should be getting less in return, like lyrick said. If he doesn't see things that way then I suggest getting into counseling for the two of you. Good luck!

matreshka
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:15 AM

i feel the same way.  also does he feel like you have to be an old fashioned housewife, subserviant to him, yet work outside the house too?

Quoting wondra:

His way of thinking is so wrong! A marriage is a 50/50 deal where you both are expected to do things equally. If he is not giving 50% then he should be getting less in return, like lyrick said. If he doesn't see things that way then I suggest getting into counseling for the two of you. Good luck!


rhodaj
by rho on Aug. 17, 2011 at 10:58 AM

 welcome to the group.  No don't let him get by with him not doing anything.  Especialy since you are also working. I am a stay at home person because my children are adults but because of my bipolar my husband comes home from work and helps me out.

MamaBear1978
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 12:18 PM

I wonder if your husband isn't struggling with depression as well. I'm not saying that he is right or defending him. I'm just giving a little perspective to the situation. Of course I could be totally wrong. Just hear me out.

What I got out of your post was that he doesn't spend a lot of alone time with his daughter. Neither did my husband. Mostly because he was just so incredibly uncomfortable with doing so. He didn't change her diapers when I was around to do so, he didn't giver baths, he didn't take her out for play dates and the idea of spending all day with her by himself was a terrifying prospect. Yep. He was SCARED! LOL!

As she grew older he began to spend more time with her. Now they go out on daddy daughter dates. She is eleven.They also have the most fascinating conversations that quite frankly go way over my head. LOL they are so much a like it's scary.

I was very frustrated with what I thought was his bad attitude but once I realized what was really going on it was something we could work on together.

It also sounds like he may be feeling a little over whelmed being newly married as well as a new father, something that he may not have been all together as ready to deal with as he thought he was, and because of this is shutting down.  I know my self, and when I become over whelmed I shut down.

Now I'm not saying that any of this is an excuse for his attitude or behavior and certainly it needs to change.  I think that the two of you working together talking it out as well as maybe some couples counseling could help out with this.

It may help to know that you are not alone in your feelings of frustration and of being over whelmed and the two of you could use this as a way to grow closer and support each other through these times. I know that is the only way Chris and I got through it, and continue to get through life.

Anyway these are my thoughts I'm not sure if they are of much help I'm kind of thinking of deleting them kind of funny since this is the first time I have replied let alone posted in this group.... now I'm rambling so here goes....

 

mrssummerlin
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:57 PM
Let me start by saying welcome to the group! This group of fantastic ladies are great with advice and always listen without bashing or any of the other junk you get in many other groups. You will find it safe to share here and love coming by, I know I do.



Now, on to my opinion.

Stay at home mother or not, it is NIT your responsibility to handle everything and him do nothing! I am a SAHM and my DH still helps out. He doesn't do much, but I prefer it that way. I do all the cleaning, cooking, and laundry. We take turns walking our dogs and he takes out the trash. The way he helps me is doing simple things like putting his dirty clothes in the basket, putting his shoes away, taking his dishes (for food he has made for himself [i.e. Lunch]) and taking it to the kitchen, and keeping his tools put away.
I also make sure all bills are paid and everything I filed properly. And on top of that I'm teaching and playing with my crazy monster of a DD ALL day long! (And in the next few months we start "pre-school"... I'm going to be home schooling)


If I were you I'd sit down with him and calmly explain this all to him. Ask if he could please help out a bit, even if it is just laying dishes on the counter or just playing with the baby while you clean.
It isn't fair to you or those LO's for him o be lazy like that. It's putting to much stress on your body an that is poetical harm to baby #2. Makes sure to let him know that too.

(((hugs))) mama, I know it's hard. Just try and stay positive and work with what you got for now. Talking might just help you out. Just remember to stay calm and don't argue about it.


I'll be send positive energy your way sweetie.
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mrssummerlin
by on Aug. 17, 2011 at 1:59 PM
Ps... Sorry for the typos, I'm mobile and my iPhone hates me.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
zboys
by Gold Member on Aug. 17, 2011 at 4:52 PM

Hello, Newwife and welcome!  I have been a stay-at-home mom since a month before my first was born so that makes 20 years.  My husband has barely lifted a finger the entire time (which I don't like) but at least I was not working outside the house!  I don't have any experience with what to do in your situation where you are working outside the home as well as when you get home after a long day.  I hope it helped a little for you to vent.  Come back any time.  : )

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