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What would you do if you were me?-need advice badly-PIOG

Posted by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 6:15 PM
  • 10 Replies

so long story short I have a sister who refuses to have anything to do with me not bc of an argument that we had but bc she blames me for everything wrong in her life and everything wrong between me and my parents, which btw is none of her business.  She doesn't even have the common decency to look past her own issues with me and focus on my children, her niece and nephew.  She has contact with my sister's children but bc she has problems with me she refuses to acknowledge the existence of my kids. On the one occasion that I brought it up to her after not hearing for her for about two yrs, she blamed me for her being in therapy.  I have nothing to do with why she's in therapy, I don't even know what she is going for as no one in the family tells me things.  I found out today, from my oldest sister, that this sister who has disowned me and treated me and my family like crap for the past 11 yrs of her adulthood is now having her own baby. I've been told by close friends to be the "bigger person" and at least send a card to show I am not bitter and that I am better than her.  Well, the problem is, I am one of those people who wears their heart and emotions on their sleeve and if I don't feel happiness or excitement over something like I do in this case, I just can't fake it.  She is one of the most petty, selfish, self centered people who in all honesty I don't think would make a good mom, I can't be excited for her at all.  I am afraid of saying the wrong thing bc she is honestly "the last person who should ever have a child".  Maybe she will change but i am not hopeful bc she's been this way her whole life.  The world revolves around Laura, she is always concerned with what other people can do for her not how she can help anyone else.  She has no empathy or compassion for anyone, least of all me.  I guess this is to be expected bc I was always my parent's scapegoat and from an early age she saw everyone around her reat me differently bc I have bipolar disorder, I am the screw up, I am the cause of everyone's problems bc no one in my family can face the music and realize they are to blame for their own problems, it's not all my fault.  I am just tired of being treated like less of a person bc I have a mental illness and no one else in my family has that diagnosis.  My friend says that if I am the bigger person things can't get any worse between me and my youngest sister, they can only stay the same or get better.  I  just don't like putting myself out there just to be disregarded and treated like s***.  I mean part of me wants to make the effort but a bigger part of me says "why bother, it's not going to change a damn thing".  Anyone else been in a similar position?  What did you do?  Did it work?  What do you think I should do?

by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 6:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
JeannieBee
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 6:53 PM

No, I've never been in this situation and it's hard to say what I'd do.  It seems to me you and your sister definitely have a lot of issues between you and if she's all these things you say she is, then why would you want her around you or you kids, anyway?  That was my first thought, reading this.  Send a card if you want, but don't expect any changes in the relationship because of it.  It would be a nice gesture, though.  Good luck.

madwifa
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 7:29 PM

 She will grow you before too long and see she was wrong. I would just keep on keeping on.

DAHLONEGAMOMMY
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 8:24 PM

My sister and I have not spoken in nearly eleven years. We did speak briefly when my grandmother passed away but only for a few brief minutes. She has a son that is about 7 and I have never seen him. She did some things that irreparably changed my trust in her when it comes to my kids. I have always been the one stable person in her life and I have always been her safety net. Unfortunately, when she did something that showed that my kids' best interests were not first in her actions regarding my kids, I stopped being her big sister and became entirely my sons' mother. She never thought she could do anything that would make me turn away from her. She was wrong. I have to be a mother before a sister. I have forgiven her. However, I cannot and will not forget what she has done. Until my children are grown and living on their own, I cannot have her in my life. I dont need her negative influence upon their lives when they are in their teens and will be going off to college soon. Until then, I dont feel it appropriate to have her in our lives. I will say that my life became far calmer than with her out of my list of drama producers. I basically cut my entire family out because they are just always causing drama and trauma that I dont need in my life. I have been raising two boys on my own so I have enough on my plate. Cutting out my family has made my life so much easier and calm. I like it that way. I hope someday my sister and I can find a way to reconcile but, it isnt going to happen any time soon and I am happy with my life without her. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing.

Rosebud333776
by Bronze Member on Sep. 14, 2011 at 9:01 PM

   Hi dizzy,       I would send her a card and think of it as being for you & the baby and not for your sister. This could be a gift/connection between you and your sister's baby. Hopefully your sis will change, babies can work miracles. Maybe with the card, she'll accept it as a peace offering and you will have an "in" to observe her with her baby & be an advocate for him or her if you need to.stork

leahbeah143
by Leah on Sep. 14, 2011 at 9:24 PM

 I'd probably send a card and leave it at that.

JSCC
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 10:44 PM

well, I'd have a hard time sending a "I'm so happy for you" card if I wasn't happy for her (it'd seem like a lie), but I might still send a card with just something like "best wishes" .... I'd want to see the baby when it was born; I'd want to know that child.  The mom's problems are not the baby's fault

Mamivon3
by on Sep. 14, 2011 at 11:13 PM

 agree on sending the baby something. THe baby got nothing to do with what's going on between the 2 of you.

lyrick24
by Group Admin on Sep. 15, 2011 at 6:16 AM

i am in the exact same situation with my sister and my family but everything revolves around my sister inmy family because she has money. this argument happend about 8 to 10 years ago and i have tried to make ammends but i keep getting ignored. i am done with it. no one has anything to do with my kids or my grandchildren. including my family after we had the argument. i let it go. i did get a wedding invitation from my sisters son, my nephew for next month but i have decided im not going cause i dont want to feel out of place. i sent him a gift  and i will send him a card but that is it.

matreshka
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 10:10 AM

I agree.

Quoting Mamivon3:

 agree on sending the baby something. THe baby got nothing to do with what's going on between the 2 of you.


Naturewoman4
by on Sep. 15, 2011 at 11:35 AM
I am in the EXACT situation as you. Always have. I was the daughter that was shut out, disowned & disguarded. I too was told to be the bigger person. Be a bigger person that has been thrown away, like trash? I was that bigger person several times. Just no more & Im happier for that. If you ever want to pm me, that would be great. We can help one another.


Quoting dizzy77702:

so long story short I have a sister who refuses to have anything to do with me not bc of an argument that we had but bc she blames me for everything wrong in her life and everything wrong between me and my parents, which btw is none of her business.  She doesn't even have the common decency to look past her own issues with me and focus on my children, her niece and nephew.  She has contact with my sister's children but bc she has problems with me she refuses to acknowledge the existence of my kids. On the one occasion that I brought it up to her after not hearing for her for about two yrs, she blamed me for her being in therapy.  I have nothing to do with why she's in therapy, I don't even know what she is going for as no one in the family tells me things.  I found out today, from my oldest sister, that this sister who has disowned me and treated me and my family like crap for the past 11 yrs of her adulthood is now having her own baby. I've been told by close friends to be the "bigger person" and at least send a card to show I am not bitter and that I am better than her.  Well, the problem is, I am one of those people who wears their heart and emotions on their sleeve and if I don't feel happiness or excitement over something like I do in this case, I just can't fake it.  She is one of the most petty, selfish, self centered people who in all honesty I don't think would make a good mom, I can't be excited for her at all.  I am afraid of saying the wrong thing bc she is honestly "the last person who should ever have a child".  Maybe she will change but i am not hopeful bc she's been this way her whole life.  The world revolves around Laura, she is always concerned with what other people can do for her not how she can help anyone else.  She has no empathy or compassion for anyone, least of all me.  I guess this is to be expected bc I was always my parent's scapegoat and from an early age she saw everyone around her reat me differently bc I have bipolar disorder, I am the screw up, I am the cause of everyone's problems bc no one in my family can face the music and realize they are to blame for their own problems, it's not all my fault.  I am just tired of being treated like less of a person bc I have a mental illness and no one else in my family has that diagnosis.  My friend says that if I am the bigger person things can't get any worse between me and my youngest sister, they can only stay the same or get better.  I  just don't like putting myself out there just to be disregarded and treated like s***.  I mean part of me wants to make the effort but a bigger part of me says "why bother, it's not going to change a damn thing".  Anyone else been in a similar position?  What did you do?  Did it work?  What do you think I should do?


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