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Omg...I need SUPPORT. Please HELP! I'm so confused. This hurts.

Posted by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:06 PM
  • 10 Replies

Okay-- well day #6 and my son's father has been out. 2 years ago when I was 8months pregnant I found e-mails n' such from another woman and him-sexual conversations....so emotional cheating. Fast forward...I'm pretty well over that hurt, as far as he is concerned.

Her-I'm still angry at ( I do not know her personally ) but she attacked me personally, all over a social network site where everyone in the world could see *** sucky--she was also 10yrs older *** real mature.

So the struggle has since been-- trusting him. And I don't--I haven't trusted him since that. Today I trust him 65%-75% depending no the day, but not to 100% yet-wonder if I will be.

He's a Independent Film Maker- Puerto Rican male. Lives in Jersey- when I met him he had no job-living with his mom. I just fell in love simply b/c I thought he was a good human being.

He told me stories of his past ---:( seemed sad. Told me how his x treated him, and how nice-good he was to her. Bought her sweet gifts, etc...but she spit on him and cheated on him w/any male she could get her hands on.

*** I believed most of it-not stupid though, know 2 sides to every story *** but I did believe he was hurt, and most likely cheated on. He had this sadness and sweetness about him. Although a hard shell. I wanted to break through that.

I wanted to show him real love--I started to "spoil"him... etc, we fell in love. He told me he loved me, was in love with me, no one spoke to him like me, blah blah--his friends liked me. They said I was good to him. etc.

It felt like a beautiful love story-he was working for a small gov.company, and I moved out here-I got a full-time job. Soon we moved into an apt. Now I left everything behind in Indiana ( 800 miles ) for him-for Jersey.

I wanted a new life so to speak...

I thought everything was perfect. He wanted to start a family, I was excited--then I got pregnant, when I told him. He smiled, he seemed THRILLED-but was it all hidden lies?

I found the e-mails, etc... he told her and a few other's I wasn't supportive to his "career" his film making that is-he has made no $ from it,okay--currently he has NO JOB! has unemployment, and has no desire to find a full-time 9-5 job.

*he has 2 kids--1 w/ me 1 w/ his x-or aka the WIFE ( I later found out ) b/c they are not LEGALLY divorced, her reasons... she knew, but he's lazy but they are NOT in love--and have been separated for 8 + years and she loves someone else *--it's strange but...um okay...?

So it's hurtful I've tried getting over that but the newest things are the fights we've had and him acting NICE one min then WEIRD the next-I can't have an ADULT conversation w/ him w/o him going OFF like crazy mad---

It's scary--- he's been out 6 days-but it feels more so he wants to do what HE wants and use me. I remember emails from his x " don't use her like you did me" "treat her better"

then a secret email from an unknown-

"he loves one woman than another"

--old NUDE photo's sent to me.

then " Ya dumb bitch stay with a manic depressed fat slob, biploar"

BIPOLAR--wow--

I'm wondering?

narcissistic is more the thing ( okay ...spelling? ) I think he is though.

I'm more of a peace maker--he's Aries, I'm Libra--

I have no time for games, BS--I plan. He just DOES-and he doesn't care.

He's had NO real responsibility...

it's insane, partly his mom's fault-and his wife --- she took him off support- he just does whatever, lives wherever. he just skimps by on life...

to me that's not a man, and NO way to live life-

me I plan-I want but I love life. At first he was a pretty decent guy, clearly I could see everything else meant more to him than his 1st son but I thought it was his x fault...really I had.

I thought possibly due to her acting bitchy and cheating--- she pushed him away. I think it was HIM now--- I do.

B/c I see it w/ our situation.

He's been telling me how he's still in love-loves me the whole nine yards.

Now I don't ask for much but LOVE, compassion, truthfulness--I need him to tell the truth! be faithful! caring...

COMMUNICATE-but we communicate or anything about adult real convo he gets MAD---like angry anymore. Before he wasn't like that--

some of that is my fault bc I brought the nasty beast out in him bc I was angry for him cheating and being selfish ( in which he says--he is NOT )

His best friend, or aka "bizz partner" my bf at it 10 + years the other dude.... a LONG TIME--- they aide each other, hi best friend lives in Mom's basement while auntie and mom give him money.

wow-wow.

So my guy really has no real responsible friends, or married--some w/ kids. But they live with mom, or it's a story--actors, actresses...etc.

The people you pick to hang w/

reflect on you-- well that's a saying his whore told him too.LOL she was trying to say by me not supporting him or whatever about ME, I was a reflection on him. LOL

little did she know-

whatever.

so I have worked full-time all along, while he collects a small portion of unemployment, and makes movies.

He does his MMA etc.

While I sit and wait--for awhile it wasn't as bad, then the last few months just got worse n' worse.

Someone I think he feels it's MY FAULT?

I can't even have a NORMAL convo w/o him blowing his top.

Since I kicked him out-he says he understands he needs time-well that's good, me too. To reprogram himself-I said this is not play time. This is relationship time--THINK. Go get help!

We've gone together...but IDK--maybe once again. We will see-but after tonight, I don't even know if there is a US anymore-I just want a way to protect my son. I think he might have bumped his head along the way-and his anger issues, and the way he is--makes ME ANGRY as hell too.

I feel so much rage when he acts dumb. ....PLEASE READ On

by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:06 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mamaof3nj
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:20 PM
Sorry I just KNOW I can write a lot- but when I'm hurting and confused it's WORSE. I've never had the backing of his mom. Even when he cheated on me--it was still somehow my fault? weird--- Maybe b/c I'm a white woman and they really want a Puerto Rican girl, they have NEVER said it. But let's be real I'm not pushing out the Spanish language. Nor do I feel I HAVE to learn it-I want to, but don't feel I HAVE to-I'm in AMERICA! sorry! ( not trying to offend ) thing is... beyond that I'm a good woman. I allow him to be the man. I cook-clean, cater to him basically--good in bed. give it to him when he wants-yes I've asked for it. I dress sexy for him...I'm good to him, compliment him. Spoil him. Tried supporting his "career" but to me it's like a HOBBY- but he's become abusive somewhere. Not sure what snapped in him... guess b.c I was hard on him?? so HE says- or that I would pick arguments. Ladies--I would TALK TO HIM, even before I would speak, I'd almost have it planned out. B/c I didn't want to hurt him. Didn't want him thinking I was YELLING at him or anything. Well being this is the 6th day--- we've tried to avoid one another sort of, but he's reminded me were TOGETHER- and I also stated we are NOT to have sex w/ people or do dumb stuff if we actually want to get back together. This is just a breather. Well the other day he took my car-I allowed him the keys to MY CAR--that I bought, paid for--paid OFF He stated he would be back at 7pm ( he was teaching a class ) okay---7:30pm rolls around, still no text/call nothing--now this a small thing, although I've asked multiple times. PLEASE just call/text if you will be later than you told me-out of RESPECT. It's got us into some NASTY fights. I've never done this to him... maybe ONCE---while getting food at Wal-mart.lol and I was so sorry---that time I didn't have a watch NOR a phone :( I did say so sorry, wouldn't happen again. It hasn't... so 7:40pm rolls around-I text/call NOTHING. 7:50pm...now I'm getting frustrated. I call--please call, what's up? I have my son ready to go b/c we had something to do--I needed to leave. Okay 8pm....text/call NOTHING. 8:14pm-- call/text again. I'm PISSED, but I don't yell into the phone. I wanted to--but I started crying. I said please...you okay, could you bring back my car. I need it. So...8:15pm I call his sister---tell your brother, BRING MY CAR BACK--sure tell him I'm PISSED. I know she did. When I tried calling him, clearly he was on the PHONE WITH HER--so he answers HER call? interesting-- so playing games like he did w/ his x. ?? okay--cute. He calls me-- "SORRY YOUR PISSED I'M ON THE WAY BACK" I said.... explained why I was MAD, that he could have texted/called. blah blah...he said okay-on my way back. As I'm still trying to have a conversation, he IGNORES ME and picks up conversation w/ the others around him--I wait! He then get's back on. "HELLO" I said oh wow...thanks! He just said be there soon. He comes in the house--drops off the key. Fine whatever--- He's mad b/c I'm MAD and I'm upset and telling him how I feel and how he wonders why I do get mad. He's so pissed he gets ready to leave. I say please sit, I want to talk-I will lower my voice. So I do-somehow he wanted to know about my friendship w/ a male--that BTW ladies is only FRIENDSHIP. ALL b/c due to us not really being TOGETHER--a friend asked if I would come watch Jersey Shore, heck the dude set wayyyy away from me. lol I'm not in the mood to start a relationship.... Regardless he was JEALOUS. I explained at this point he is the ONLY man for me, I DO LOVE HIM-- I want it to work. He states he too wants it to work--that he LOVES ME. Says he's IN LOVE w/ me... let me cont' he's here to "talk" per my request.
lyrick24
by Group Admin on Jan. 15, 2012 at 7:55 PM

 i really dont know where to begin. there is so much going on. i do think he is someone who doesnt want responsibility and i do think he would cheat. it doesnt sound like he has any respect for you. if i were you i would get out of that relationship. it doesnt sound healthy.

mamaof3nj
by on Jan. 15, 2012 at 8:38 PM


Ya it's everywhere. I tried to give some BACK story-- I talk in circles sometimes. I have always done that...b/c my emotions get out of whack. I think that happened when I was 10 and my parents divorced, mom made me choose between who I wanted to live w/ -- mom or dad, also picking for my 6 yr old brother.

It was bad--

and all my life blamed for it ( from her ) than dad remarried a step mom that was nothing much but EVIL.lol--I swear. Us kids really had NO rooms, they were nicely decorated and it's okay to learn responsibility and how to take care of something but it went beyond.

We were her cleaning slaves. Then my step mom said "Your mom left you" " NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE YOU" oh...it's been a ride.

Then other things in between. Married-divorced ( I take more fault for that ) but he was abusive emotionally, almost to the physical point--prison guard. I left him... now w/ this guy- moved 800miles assuming my troubles would leave me. :( no...

they are worse here b/c I have NO ONE--

my cousin. But he's strange. lol--- another story.

But my boyfriend--or whatever he is now. Is abusive to me- says he doesn't turn the blame on me, but DOES--

he confuses me, never wants to have adult conversation---

It's like a cluster fuck.

I asked him to move out 6 days ago- now he's telling me I was the one that wanted him to move--I didn't say GET OUT--I just said due to your anger, and if you want this to work-we need to work on ourselves, maybe it's best...

I didn't even say take all your things--just geeze. You obviously want to film your movies-and make your kids and I last on the list!

although his buddy who lives in mom's basement would argue otherwise...

at this point, I almost feel nothing towards him. I feel emotionally drained and abused.

One min he is sweet to me then horrible to me. He tried holding my hand. I was trying to be NICE and postiive.

Geeze like I said it's a CLUSTER FUCK-bottom line, it just needs to end. For a man to get pissy when I ask about visiting w/ his son and the FIRST thing he does A---is gets annoyed, then states yeah when I'm not filming my movie.
WHAT!!!
you wanted a family--you were doing that shit before, then you wanted another SON-that's not all my fault. I wanted a child b/c you wanted a FAMILY!

now wtf??

I didn't push him out of my life--he did this. He cheated-

so take responsibility for that--

I think he plays the victim card--and I ( who really cares for him ) get's treated like total shit.

I'm so confused....

He says he doesn't want to move on from me?

but is it THAT or does he just not want ANYONE ELSE TOUCHING ME?

Damn!

he doesn't know how to hold down a conversation unless it's about a celeb or a movie--it's annoying.

Then he claims he's so ADULT about things...

He needs to get HELP ASAP and psychoanalyzed...wow-the men I choose.

I think he's unhappy w/ himself-

failed marriage-

no relationship or not much of one w/ his older son.

his mom's currently sick

she doesn't want him living there

i don't want him here b/c the abuse-arguements-hurt

I do love him---but guess he doesn't want that. He's even told me to stop complimenting him SO MUCH???

what! he says it's WEIRD b/c his ex never did.

Okay I'm different....so I've done basically everything he has asked.

I just want to be happy-which he CLAIMS he does too, or aka--make his MOVIE--live in an alternate reality and that's happiness. He says he wants it with me--then why is he acting this way?

he says he acts NO certain way....

GOD--someone please help me.

I'm so hurt.

HONESTLY--someone just tell me how the hell to protect OUR SON from this???

the best way???

b/c I do think something might be wrong??

I think he's over stressed NEEDS SERIOUS HELP!!!

I'm not bad mouthing him, but this is NUTS!

and he's nice around our son- but it's not fair to me... and it's not fair he comes and goes when HE wants---

he told me he doesn't want a SCHEDULE- besides he films ( he has NO JOB ) btw---

but he films.

But he needs TIME to do that---

so when he can he will be over, he said he would like to see him everyday--but thing is it DISRUPTS ME--my day, my life and my ability to heal.

If he wants to stop by knock --take him for a bit fine. but...IDK

and coming and going. I'm not sure is cool?

I thought 2 weekends a month and 1 day a week otherwise...idk.

I'm sick over it-

but trying to protect my son---ME.

Quoting lyrick24:

 i really dont know where to begin. there is so much going on. i do think he is someone who doesnt want responsibility and i do think he would cheat. it doesnt sound like he has any respect for you. if i were you i would get out of that relationship. it doesnt sound healthy.


jeranium
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 5:42 AM

Hello mamaof3nj.  I am jeranium and am depress for my situation, however I can see you are trapt and suffering I do understand your pain.  I did divorce when I discover my xhusband did not love me enough to respect me and to keep and protect our family.  I have to take a road and to feel guilt because my kind will be like me growing up with no father, ( my father die when I was 51/2 years old). I do thing you may in the need to love yourself more and appreciate yourself more to.  You have a futher life and experiences to came.You sound you love him, but when we are not responded with same feelings the aceptance is hard and painful/ Love doesn't hurt". Hope your issues came easier soon.

matreshka
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 6:30 AM
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I'm so sorry.  I would block that other woman from your fb first thing, then really get rid of this guy.  You will find someone that who deserves you, he clearly doesnt.

rosiemendo
by Bronze Member on Jan. 16, 2012 at 9:05 AM

I'm 56 years old, been through "the mill."  I am now on meds. for anxiety and depression, see a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly, had a total breakdown, lost 2 years of my life with my grown children and their families, was hospitalized twice, suicidal, receive ECT (shock treatments) every 8 weeks now, which is a milestone because I needed 3 in one week to bring me back to life as a last resort.  I had an abusive, violent, alcoholic father.  I lived to protect my one and only brother and my mother.  Literally, protect them; I was in 4th grade when I had to hold my 250 lb. father in a doorway with my body so my mother and brother could get out of the house to safety.  I could write a best seller that would make someone cringe at the things I saw, heard, and experienced while growing up.  I had a first love who cheated on me all the time; took me a while, but finally broke up with him for good.  I met a wonderful guy who I dated on and off for 8 years.  I was still "sowing my oats."  People liked him more than me; if you were to ask who would cheat on who, everyone would have voted for me, hands-down.  We married and had 4 beautiful childen- 3 boys, 1 daughter, 1 miscarriage between sons and daughter.  For the first time in my life, I was happy.  My father died of a massive heart attack.  Ironically, he was ready to change his ways.  I lost my maternal grandmother within weeks of him.  Then a few months later, I watched my mother-in-law die from cancer.  I was closer to her than to my own mother.  The following year I lost my paternal grandfather due to heart problems.  I was very close to my paternal grandmother; my kids knew and loved her.  My brother moved to Texas for a girl; he wanted to marry her, came back to Buffalo, never talked about what happened, but was changed forever.  I lost him to AIDS, devastated me, especially because I couldn't protect him from that.  After 25 years of marriage, my husband confessed he was having an affair for 3 years.  Everybody was shocked!  I have been totally faithful (ironic, huh?!)  I wanted to kill me; I even tried to push hm down the stairs, made him tell the kids, threw him out, then eventually after all his remorse and pleading, took him back and forgave him, could never forget.  I watched my best friend die of cancer; I was at her bedside holding her hand while her husband held her other hand and her 5 children watched us give her permission to die.  I worked as a Teaching Assistant, loved it.  The only thing I remember is walking out of the school one day in tears, drove myself home, but don't even know how.  Somewhere, sometime I lost complete control.  A couple of more things like my mother's and daughter's verbal and emotional abuse drove me over the edge.  I can't remember the really bad times because the ECT causes short-term memory loss.  I have a treatment coming up this Friday; I have to be put under, given an IV and a shot to dry all my fluids up.  I hate needles so this is always stressful for me.  I was forced to retire because of my mental health.  I'm on disability; my husband lost his job and it's going on about 2 years now.  He's had a heart attack, 7 stents put in his heart, broke his ankle so bad he needed plates and rods to repair it; that's partly why I forgave him- he was "punished" enough.  When everyone tells me how lucky I am that he stuck with me and did anything possible to save me, I respond that it's the least he could do since he was part of the problem.  Our problems have not gone away, but it doesn't really bother me that much.  I realized again something I knew all along.  I'm a good person, intellectual, sincere, and worthy of respect.  My point in telling you all this is that no one deserves to be disrespected and hurt.  You are being emotionally abused.  Abuse should NEVER be tolerated.  You are a worthwhile human being, mother, woman- KICK HIM TO THE CURB and NEVER LOOK BACK.  Get legal advice to protect yourself and your son.  Make a clean split; STOP THE ABUSE and then get THERAPY FOR YOURSELF.  Don't worry about him needing help, get the help you need before it's too late.  It was almost too late for me! 

mamaof3nj
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 9:35 AM

I'm already on anxiety medication- for the issues he's caused. Before I was simply HAPPY. When I left my abusive relationship w/ my HUSBAND--although he wasn't always that way.

He started to become that way once he got some power behind him ( Prison Guard ) so he was nasty to my kids and I---

SO I meant my now b/f or again...whatever he's called b/c at this point, I don't know that I want anything to do with him- relationship wise. He can not admit something is SERIOUSLY wrong w/ HIM and needs HELP!

I do not need ELECTRIC SHOCK THERAPHY! sorry you did--

I just need time to breathe!

I just need alone time--and protect the little one from this.

Yesterday when I wanted to talk about visitation, wow-wow-he got mad. But worse he brought our baby upstairs. I asked him WHY, he said b/c HE wanted to-okay, but my cousin was here to watch my son bc yesterday I suffered from extreme migraine.

So on top of my MIGRAINE I had to hear him YELL at me and act like a damned fool b/c he didn't want a "SCHEDULE" he wanted to come over when ever HE wanted too. Plus he reminded me he's a "FILM MAKER"

lol---okay!
and?

your a FATHER FIRST!

Regardless of how he feels for ME-although before he went to bed he texted " I love you, I hope you know that. Goodnight" I texted, NO not sure of that.

How could I be?

first off he's acting like a fool over his son. He was stating I came off RUDE---um, I was being as NICE as possible. It's him-anytime you mention anything but celebs or MOVIES-he goes nuts O now...unless it's his friend/family-and I mean family ( mom-sisters ) that's it.

--So he gets mad at me, b/c he thinks I'm COLD towards his mom. And that I was keeping him from her?

wtf??

dude--I asked you to come help with YOUR SON. Okay I get your mom is SICK! whatever...

She has other kids, I wasn't being cold towards that fact-but to me his mom is no longer #1 and he certainly is NOT --- nor is his damn lazy friends, who also have the same DREAM as him.

Whatever---dreams are great, but when you have KIDS?

IDK.

whatever...

it's annoying.

I got accused of cheating basically--I NEVER HAVE, but good try. He said I was probably talking to men right now- I said YES I AM, MEN & WOMEN---why can't I?

he's not in my home?

But I also didn't kick him out like HE keeps saying. B/c he brought that up, also said his MOM doesn't want him there--and this sounds mean, but part of me even thinks it's a tad funny.

Figure it out now...

most likely he will go back to his WIFE.

That's my guess.

Well then please sign your rights away if that's the case--and I will get outta here.

Thing is I have been good to him--nothing but good & supportive and to be treated THIS WAY, although he says he treats me NO CERTAIN WAY.

Well...

hm.

Strange thing, his x had said the same things about him. So two women are wrong?

or what about the random woman who e-mailed me that he is bipolar, fat, sloppy, lazy, etc...and NUDE photos of him???

we are ALL WRONG?

His friend-who does a whole lot of NOTHING thinks the man walks on water, I've tried to tell him once his mom passes he might not have much, so he better PRAY he can bank on that film "career"

and is he talented? yes!

But... you have boys-2 kids. I love you & wanted to be your WIFE.

So sad.... he wasn't this bad before--always selfish, that I could over look. Then he cheated, I had issues--but even at this point-besides wanting to smack the SHIT out of HER! I love him, it's just he's become MORE insensitive and selfish....

so...grrr...annoying!

I'm exhausted, yesterday was to much.

Sit here be nice to him, FEED HIM-then later he YELLS at me? so confusing.

I don't want to do that again--

He can just leave.


geeez
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 9:56 AM
1 mom liked this

 "....sorry but IDK"  maybe once again???

some of that is my fault bc I brought the nasty beast out in him bc I was angry for him cheating and being selfish ( in which he says--he is NOT )

....first of all no trust no relationship.  And how can you even begin to blame yourself for what he became.  He cheated on you, treats you like crap.  It's time to protect yourself, put your guard and let him go....I know it is easier said than done.  If you don't it seems like it will only happen again .

 

mamaof3nj
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 11:33 AM

Ya I think this time it's OVER...even when he says he LOVES me- but the way he is, and has been.WOW--something is OFF base, but has been for years- I just over looked it. Can't keep doing that.

I have to protect what I love the most--my kids & I!

put GOD first and get on with it...

I will be fine :)

I appreciate all the advice/help--

I'm sure it will be bumping :( but oh well--such is life.


geeez
by on Jan. 16, 2012 at 1:45 PM

 

Quoting mamaof3nj:

Ya I think this time it's OVER...even when he says he LOVES me- but the way he is, and has been.WOW--something is OFF base, but has been for years- I just over looked it. Can't keep doing that.

I have to protect what I love the most--my kids & I!

put GOD first and get on with it...

I will be fine :)

I appreciate all the advice/help--

I'm sure it will be bumping :( but oh well--such is life.


 Keep your head up and stand proud, you already going in the right direction, "I have to protect that I love the most - - my kids & I." your words not mine.  Good luck to you, and I wish you well, Gina.

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