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Why does this make me sad?

Posted by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:04 PM
  • 11 Replies


My stbx walked out on me over 11 months ago.  Our marriage had been in trouble for a long time and two years ago I had an affair.  We tried to work through it doing counseling, couples retreats, etc.  When he told me he was leaving I had no clue he thought things weren't working.  That he was that unhappy. 

Shortly after he left I heard a rumor that he was seeing a woman he used to work with.  Then I didn't hear anything else for months.  I decided that it must have just been a rumor.  Then recently he was tagged on a photo at a birthday party with this woman.  He wasn't actually in the photo but was tagged as being there. 

Yesterday facebook suggested this woman as a friend because we had 12 friends in common.  So curiosity got the better of me and I had to look to see who we have in common.  I wasn't surprised by most of them but when I saw my stbx's sister I was like a knife in my heart.  The only way she would know this woman is through my stbx. 

Here's the confusing part.  After he left me I realized what a crappy life we had been living and that I would be better off without him.  I've been building a better life for myself and my kids.  Friends and family are repeatedly commenting on the positive changes in my life now that he's gone and how proud they are of me.  I know that divorcing him is the best thing for me. 

I accept that I am not blameless in the end of our marriage.  I hurt him by having an affair.  So why does it hurt so much to know that he has someone else in his life???  When I know I'm better off without him.  I feel like the biggest hypocrite for being hurt by this.   

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:26 PM
I completely understand. My ex and i had many problems and it was GREAT to get away from him but it still hurt to know he found someone so fast and then i found out she was pregnant. I was very shaken up about it too. I guess no matter how bad things are all the time you were together just takes a part of your heart... it is a long process to grow that part back. Hugs
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by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:54 PM

i so agree, im hurting myself now that he has some one in his life and i know im better with out him

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 2:56 PM

But i think the reason why we are hurting is that we know we all could have been better wives to our men and now they have what they couldnt with us, it hurts to know theres another woman doing better then you in that area, but be strong we are better with out them..

by Leah on Feb. 12, 2012 at 3:11 PM

 Oh, I fully understand that one! I was heart broken when I found out my ex was having a baby with his new girlfriend, and we hadn't even been together in a while. I have no idea why it hurts so much, because my ex and I broke up when he turned into a drug addict. Now he's sober and happy, and it feels like why didn't he do that when we were together?

by Group Admin on Feb. 12, 2012 at 3:25 PM

 well when you love someone once it does do something to you to know they have someone else and you tend to hurt for what once was. not what is now. it sounds like you are doing well on your own and you should get over this soon.

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 5:15 PM

 Thanks ladies!

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:23 PM

sometimes in a marriage things dont work out the way that u planned, but sometimes people are blind by love and dont realize that their partner isnt happy. the same way u felt about him with someone else thats the same way he felt when you had the affair. love isnt love if theirs no commitment. i dont think people need to be married to be in love i just think that u should have respect and trust on each other. once one of those is missing the relationship goes down hill. theirs no counseling that can fix the heart just the mind. my advice to u would be continue with ur life and try to start new. try to not get into a relationship until u figure out urself first, so that u dont make the same mistake again. hope it helps.

by on Feb. 12, 2012 at 9:27 PM

I think it's just being human. he was someone you were with for a long time, and it's strange to see him with someone else.

by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:01 AM
1 mom liked this

I understand.  My ex and i both had affairs but it still hurt deeply when he did it to me.  No one is perfect, and the best thing to do is try to learn form the experience and apply it to your next relationship in the future.

even bad relationships need to be mourned and grieved when they end.  it takes time.Its so awesome that you have been thriving since the break up and moving on in your life, keep moving forward :)

by on Feb. 13, 2012 at 9:12 AM

 Thank you ladies for all your support and encouragement!

thank you

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