I have to tell someone what I am thinking...
I am the proud mother of two little girls, however, since giving birth just over a month ago, I have had a hard time connecting to my new baby.
My first daughter arrived and filled me with the greatest love I have ever known. Not only that, but she is remarkably beautiful, and at three years old is traffic-stopping with her blue eyes and amazing features. My husband and I both are often blown away by her and don't know how we managed to have such a perfect child (she is also kind, smart, outgoing and has a fantastic sense of humor - the lottery in human beings!).
There is nothing wrong with the new baby. She is perfectly healthy, eats well, sleeps well and is not an unreasonable little baby in any way. She is just unremarkable. She has brown hair and brown eyes, and although she is cute, by comparison, she is going to spend the rest of her life hearing about her beautiful older sister. This has already happened as people remark on the older one and then see the other one and say "oh, she's so different" and leave it at that.
I realize that everyone is going to jump down my throat about how I shouldn't compare them, but my first child was like falling in love, and frankly, many mothers I know have told me how the first child was the one who opened their hearts and taught them about love and motherhood. The second one just arrives and you don't have the special time you do with the first because life is jam-packed solid with things to do (between feeding the newborn and baths, food, school and playtime for the older one, there is no time to spend with the baby in the same way as the first).
I have been forcing myself to "bond" with the new baby. I breastfeed her, hold her, kiss her, cuddle her and spend whatever time I can with her and am completely dedicated to her in the same way as the first. I just don't "feel" anything real with her. I am starting to see her individual beauty finally (although all of my photos from the clinic show the disappointment on my face towards my new baby - so sad!), but even I have to admit that I miss spending time with my older daughter who has my heart. I miss taking her to the park, just hanging out as mother and daughter.
The second baby was an accident anyway. The first child was very much wanted, and we hadn't planned to have another one but here she is. We have had our lives change for the worse having a second baby in that we have zero money left, we have to move to accommodate her, and I can no longer invest in the education I was planning to give the first one. The public schools are ok here, but she had been in a private school up until now which she has attended for the last two years.
What do I do? Why am I so angry with this new baby? She didn't ask for anything, but neither did I. I accepted to have her, mostly because I thought this would be great for the older one (less spoiled, I love my husband and child, etc.). I can't understand why she doesn't inspire my love at all. I feel almost nothing (even though I pretend well and want her to have what she needs and has affection as well).
I have no one to talk to about this. I am sure it is post-partum. Help!