I have to tell someone what I am thinking...
I am the proud mother of two little girls, however, since giving birth just over a month ago, I have had a hard time connecting to my new baby.
My first daughter arrived and filled me with the greatest love I have ever known. Not only that, but she is remarkably beautiful, and at three years old is traffic-stopping with her blue eyes and amazing features. My husband and I both are often blown away by her and don't know how we managed to have such a perfect child (she is also kind, smart, outgoing and has a fantastic sense of humor - the lottery in human beings!).
There is nothing wrong with the new baby. She is perfectly healthy, eats well, sleeps well and is not an unreasonable little baby in any way. She is just unremarkable. She has brown hair and brown eyes, and although she is cute, by comparison, she is going to spend the rest of her life hearing about her beautiful older sister. This has already happened as people remark on the older one and then see the other one and say "oh, she's so different" and leave it at that.
I realize that everyone is going to jump down my throat about how I shouldn't compare them, but my first child was like falling in love, and frankly, many mothers I know have told me how the first child was the one who opened their hearts and taught them about love and motherhood. The second one just arrives and you don't have the special time you do with the first because life is jam-packed solid with things to do (between feeding the newborn and baths, food, school and playtime for the older one, there is no time to spend with the baby in the same way as the first).
I have been forcing myself to "bond" with the new baby. I breastfeed her, hold her, kiss her, cuddle her and spend whatever time I can with her and am completely dedicated to her in the same way as the first. I just don't "feel" anything real with her. I am starting to see her individual beauty finally (although all of my photos from the clinic show the disappointment on my face towards my new baby - so sad!), but even I have to admit that I miss spending time with my older daughter who has my heart. I miss taking her to the park, just hanging out as mother and daughter.
The second baby was an accident anyway. The first child was very much wanted, and we hadn't planned to have another one but here she is. We have had our lives change for the worse having a second baby in that we have zero money left, we have to move to accommodate her, and I can no longer invest in the education I was planning to give the first one. The public schools are ok here, but she had been in a private school up until now which she has attended for the last two years.
What do I do? Why am I so angry with this new baby? She didn't ask for anything, but neither did I. I accepted to have her, mostly because I thought this would be great for the older one (less spoiled, I love my husband and child, etc.). I can't understand why she doesn't inspire my love at all. I feel almost nothing (even though I pretend well and want her to have what she needs and has affection as well).
I have no one to talk to about this. I am sure it is post-partum. Help!
Hi and thanks for your response. As far as birth control goes, I have spoken with my doctor to get an IUD so that I don't get pregnant again. In any case, I am too old to do another pregnancy and certainly do not want to, so that will not be an issue.
I am not in the U.S., so you can't go to an emergency room unless you are physically hurt. I don't think they accept people who are depressed or suffering from postpartum depression.
One thing I didn't mention is that my older daughter is not perfect. She is nearly four and has perfected the art of whining and complaining and saying no, so although I am crazy about her, she knows how to push buttons. The more I think about this, the more I feel it is about having to go through all of this baby-crap again. I just am so not into it at all. I am so tired of the diapers, getting up all the time, spending time with a baby when we had moved past all of that (believe me that diapers and formula have now added 40$ per week to our groceries - f**k!!!), having to potty train, her being sick with chicken pox and all those other fun diseases - I had DONE all of that and was finished. I have NO DESIRE to do any of that again, so I go through the motions because I know how. I just can't believe that in another three years - I will still have a friggin' three-year-old. It's like walking on a wheel and never going anywhere.
I know it won't be exactly the same with this one, but I guess right now, I don't really care yet who she is. I don't need another toddler. I really guess I have to just accept that this is happening somehow, but every time I look at her, I feel like there is a wall between us. She is cute and sweet and a good baby, but this is just not what I want. I feel like I had her for my husband who really wanted another child ultimately, so he was glad that I was pregnant; It was just me that wasn't (and even considered an abortion which my husband was totally against...and here we are).
Sorry, but at least I am getting all of this off my chest because I do not think I could stand another day with this inside me.
Why do you buy formula if you breastfeed? Sorry, that just confused me. Sounds like you have ppd, and an antidepressant like zoloft (safe for breastfeeding) could help. Years from now you will probably have a much stronger bond for this child. I didn't go through this with my 2nd daughter, but I've heard stories like yours with good outcomes.
Quoting 2072nony:Hi and thanks for your response. As far as birth control goes, I have spoken with my doctor to get an IUD so that I don't get pregnant again. In any case, I am too old to do another pregnancy and certainly do not want to, so that will not be an issue.
I am not in the U.S., so you can't go to an emergency room unless you are physically hurt. I don't think they accept people who are depressed or suffering from postpartum depression.
One thing I didn't mention is that my older daughter is not perfect. She is nearly four and has perfected the art of whining and complaining and saying no, so although I am crazy about her, she knows how to push buttons. The more I think about this, the more I feel it is about having to go through all of this baby-crap again. I just am so not into it at all. I am so tired of the diapers, getting up all the time, spending time with a baby when we had moved past all of that (believe me that diapers and formula have now added 40$ per week to our groceries - f**k!!!), having to potty train, her being sick with chicken pox and all those other fun diseases - I had DONE all of that and was finished. I have NO DESIRE to do any of that again, so I go through the motions because I know how. I just can't believe that in another three years - I will still have a friggin' three-year-old. It's like walking on a wheel and never going anywhere.
I know it won't be exactly the same with this one, but I guess right now, I don't really care yet who she is. I don't need another toddler. I really guess I have to just accept that this is happening somehow, but every time I look at her, I feel like there is a wall between us. She is cute and sweet and a good baby, but this is just not what I want. I feel like I had her for my husband who really wanted another child ultimately, so he was glad that I was pregnant; It was just me that wasn't (and even considered an abortion which my husband was totally against...and here we are).
Sorry, but at least I am getting all of this off my chest because I do not think I could stand another day with this inside me.
I understand how you feel. My first daughter I bonded with straight away, loved her dearly and absolutely from the second I knew she was there and fell in love unreservedly the moment she was born. My second pregnancy was accidental and a real issue (because it turns out pregnancy is life-threatening for me, a fact we weren't sure of until after I was pregnant the second time). Like your children, my first baby was a blonde-haired, blue-eyed charmer and my second daughter a more solemn dark haired, brown-eyed baby. I took great care of her and told her she was loved and wanted - but the reality was that at first I *didn't* love her and didn't want her. It wasn't until she was about 5 or 6 weeks old that I felt like (literally) a huge chunk of ice in my chest melted and I knew I really did love my second child. Incidentally it was the first time I told her "I love you" and meant it that she smiled at me for the first time!
Fast forward to now. My girls are now 15 and 17. My blonde older girl is a total tom-boy who dresses in shorts or pants and T-shirst and makes nothing of her looks. She is studying Engineering and looks forward to a life of working with machinery. My 15 year old brunette is a total girly-girl, into dressing like a lady and styling her hair. My girls turned out nothing like I expected them to - and I love them both to bits and encourage them in their lives and future plans.
Quoting mom2twingirl797:
Yes, sounds like ppd. Get to the doctor immediately, do not past go!
I agree with this. It's been ages since I've been pregnant; I'm 56, but I have bonded with my 4 adult children now at some time in some way. I've learned to appreciate them each for their individual personalities. Yes, as I had one after the other, I found it difficult to give the one(s) before as much attention as the first, but I wanted each one of them and have no regrets about how I treated any one of them. I did the absolute best I could. I love each one of them in different ways and would give my life for any one of them in a heartbeat. Get professional help, honey, and draw from the love and advice from the women here on CafeMom.
Your other child didn't ask to be born, so none of this is her fault. I have 5 children, love them equally, they are all unique and beautiful, just like God intended them too be
growing up with a mother who clearly made me feel as second rate and abandoned. i slill suffer from that. so please get some help from a therapist.
Quoting elwalters77:
I had it with my first. My story is similar to the OPs except for with me I felt this way about the first and I felt how she did about her first with my second.
Quoting sweetkennedy3:
WOW I had ppd but I never loved have loved one child more or less then the other! I don't understand this! They are helpless little beings who look to u for unconditional love no matter what! U need help
With me it happend a little differently. My oldest, I loved very much, but I had to protect her from her fathers abuse. Well after she got a little older, her father stopped the abuse, since she got more verbal. My second was born, and their father wanted nothing to do with her, and I felt so sad about it. With their father favoring my oldest, I felt I had to make up for that with my youngest. My oldest is now six and my youngest DD is four. I tend to favor my youngest DD mostly because my oldest is so much like her father, its hard for me, even scares me. I dont express that though, I always try to express my love individually between all three of my kids (my youngest son has a different father).
Maybe because you feel some blame to your baby for the stress. I think in time it will pass as you kids get older. Or maybe in a few months once you get used to the idea of two kids and when you get used to the stress. With my son, I wasn't to intuned with caring for him at first. My sons father told me he couldn't have kids. Now that I got used to the idea of the stress and the idea that I do have three, it's not so bad.
Good luck to you and your kids!
Generic Prozac Versus Name Brand
- 2072nony
on Feb. 28, 2012 at 2:26 PM