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Depression Support Center Depression Support Center

Cant you relate? **Long**

Posted by on May. 6, 2012 at 9:57 PM
  • 9 Replies

Im going to tell you about my life story, but before I do I want to say thank you for reading this and sorry its long but its going to tell you everything I went through and why I have the mental problems I do today. No judgement needs to be passed because that is Gods place and noone elses. :-)

Im going to go way back to when I was 3-4 yrs old. My mom was still with my sperm donar, and my younger brother and I witnessed him beating her. One night he even made my younger brother watch him beat our mom and told him " this is how you treat women". Then the time came to where my mom finally grew some balls and told him to get the out and never come back. Then when I was 5 my mom brought another man into our lives. And eventually took on the father roll. As we got older my younger brother and I grew to not like him as a person. He thought he was God almighty! And everything he said was right even if he was wrong, he still thought he was right. He lied on stories to make himself look better and what not. Any who, my mom pretty much became his "bitch" brushed his hair with her fingers ( and he had long hair), layed out his clothes for the following day, rubed his back every night, and the sad thing about it was that they werent even dating. And he had told her many times that he would not date her cause she was to fat for him. But they were still best friends. It got to the point that I wasnt aloud to stay the night at friends houses and if I got lucky enough to stay the night with someone that I had to be home at 7am and they we not even wake then. But I always got what I wanted, just not freedom. Him and my mom were selling pot and that lasted up until I was 16. I didnt get no privacy, when I went to school during the day he snooped in my room and read my Diary, I found out about that. And he made my mom snoop in my brothers room. And there is also some things that he had said to me that was totally unaproiate that I have not told anyone, not even my husband so yall are the first to know, when I got to be a teenager he use to tell me that the friends that liked him I could have stay the night and he would have sex with them if they wanted cause a couple of my friends had a huge crush on him. And then he told me that if I ever wanted to lose my viriginity that he could do it for me. I would have never thought he would say something like that to me. This is coming from a guy that I have known and seen as a father figure since I was 5. ( I matured way faster then girls my age, mentally and physcially) One day I had missed the bus for school and had to have my mom take me and she got so mad cause I missed the bus she told me " that the only reason she had me was cause she loved dick to much" And I was 12 when she said that to me, I remember it like it was yesterday. After she said this I became a cutter! And it wasnt to kill myself but to relieve my pain on the inside. And on top of that Darren had told me that i was pretty much fat and that made me want to starve myself. Because even as a pre-teen I had self esteem issues due to the fact that I matured faster then girls my age. And I got picked on in elementary school by some guys cause I had the biggest boobs then any of the girls in school. And when my mom and him were selling pot as a job I begged her to stop and told her that it was going to tear me, her and my brother apart. She didnt listen to me, and I also asked her to make Darren leave, the guy that was living with us, that took over the father roll. But she wouldnt, so I took it as her choosing a guy over her own kids. I thought and knew she didnt need a man to support us. Well what I had told her about putting us into danger was right. I had gone through 5 police raids before I hit 15. Shortly after I hit 16 Darren moved out of city and county and I guess it put her into a really depressed mode. She turned to shooting up. Well she violated her probation, and sat us down one night and told us that she has to go to prison for a year and a day, but she is going to have family members take care of us. And wrote papers and signed them so that ppl would have the right to our medical stuff, and what not. Well I told her that all of this was going to happen, and all she has to blame is herself. And thats when I started having a love/hate relationship with my mom. My brother went and stayed with a close family friend that couldnt take me too cause there was no room so I went to live with a distint cousin, and ended up getting kicked out because Darren was trying to tell her how to "raise" me over the phone. I ended up losing everything when my mom went to prison, and I lost the most important thing in my life and that was my dogs that I had since I was 2. And I still blame my mom for that! My dogs were my everything. ( just in case you dont know I love animals) . So when I left there I ended up going and staying with my moms bestfriend Tonia who I know as my aunt tonia cause I have known her my whole life. And not even a week of me being there the house done got broke into while me and my cousins were there, and 2 days after that the house got raided by the SWAT team. Because my aunt tonia sold ICE and I knew about it but i didnt care cause I had been around drugs my whole life. But when that happened it scared the shit out of me, having to wake up to someone screaming at me with 4 guns pointed at my head yelling " Get on the ground" over and over. Me and my cousins went to another relatives house, and I didnt know where I was going to end up next. After that night I was scared to sleep anywhere. The sight or thought of police scared me. I got in touch with my granny and told her what happened and I ended up staying at another close friend to the familys house. I transferred schools, had another girl my age to talk with. But the house was more stricter then I was use to. But I knew that nothing was going to happen to me, and thought at least im living with ppl that I know. Well the family that I was staying with there daughter ended up running away and I knew all about it and lied to the parents about it cause i didnt want this girl to feel like I betrayed her, well the Man and women found out about me knowing and kicked me out, which looking back i know what stupid for not saying nothing. But I was trying to be a good friend to the girl. And if that would of been my child I would of done the same thing they did to me. But anywho, I ended up living with my granny at the senior living community place, and I finally felt safe again, even though I was still scared that police were going to bust down the door due to what I had gone through at my aunt tonias. Well in order for me to be able to live life with my granny she had to get Temp. custody of me. Which I didnt mind cause I love my granny, she was my best friend and still is today. My first night being there her car got broken into and all my stuff got stolen. The only thing I had left was the clothes on my back. NO LIE!! When I lost my home, and dogs the only thing I had left was a bag of my clothes and that had got stolen too. There for I didnt have nothing left. The next day I went to school and go into trouble cause I was wearing wedges that didnt have backs on them and I told the teacher that those were the only shoes I had and she didnt believe me. So I got sent up to the principles office and I called my granny and told her what happened and she came up to the school to let the principle know I was not lieing and that she couldnt get me shoes and clothes until her check came in at the first of the month. SO he gave her $7 so i can get shoes. And I went up to the dollar store to get shoes, Along with a couple outfits. Well I only ended up staying at that school for 2 weeks. And got to go back to my old school. I was so happy cause I can finally be back around all my old friends. Well after a month of being there I ended up skipping with a friend of mine who was gay and was being picked on at school, and so he wouldnt go into deep depression I skipped with him and eventually got kicked out of school. WORST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE CAUSE HE GOT TO FINISH SCHOOL AND I DIDNT. Well I ended up meeting a guy around the neighborhood that I lived in and he is the worst guy I have ever met in my life. After a year of being with him he started abusing me and I was damn if I was going to let a guy hit me with out me fighting back. And he lied to me about everything and when I said everything I mean it, the only thing he didnt lie to me about was his name. So after 2 years my granny and I moved to Orlando and I got a good job, had no friends and on top of that I was still not in school and living with my granny, uncle, aunt, and 2 cousins in a big house. But one thing my family didnt know was that my Uncle was trying to molaste me. So I finally decided to move in with my mom since she got on her own feet. And it was just me, my younger brother and mom. Living with them I had to put up with my mom favoring my younger brother. And I ended up meeting a guy that I thought was the real deal come to find out he wasnt who I thought he was. He lied to me by telling me that his mother was dead when she wasnt, and on top of that he chose drugs over me and I refuse to live that life so I told him to kick rocks I didnt want to have nothing to do with him. And ended up with the guy that im with now. And he is really the man of my dreams. We were best friends before before we became boyfriend and girlfriend and now hes my husband :-) I have a son with him that is now 17 months old, and im still going through things emotionally. I sought therpy and it was working for a while and then our sessions came to an end and now im back at my depressed state. When i was prego my depression was so bad that i wanted to end my life. And after having my son life was awesome. I had a real family of my own. I ended up getting the IUD birth control a month after my son was born and ended up staying depressed about everything. And had a problem losing weight because of it so i got it taken out last month. And my body feels like its trying to change. I still have my post partom depression on top of my regular depression and on top of my PTSD. But here I am still standing strong ( trying too) blessed that I have a healthy wonderful baby and a husband that has treated me better then the other 2 guys Ive been with. But knowing that there is still so much wrong with me, and wandering if I will ever truly be happy with myself. Some how out of all the stuff i've been through in life im surprised that I didnt turn out to be worse, I have only been with 3 guys my whole life and im only 22. After all my life events I have still maintained a great, outgoing personality. If theres more that you want to know about my story please feel free to ask. Im a very open person. And to let yall know I am finally getting my diploma in school, and plan on heading to college. Its a school that sends books and tests to your house and you work at your own pace, and when you pass they send you your high school diploma :-) SORRY THIS IS LONG!!    

by on May. 6, 2012 at 9:57 PM
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Replies (1-9):
Jennpuck
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:39 AM
1 mom liked this

 Sweetie, there's is NOTHING wrong with you. You are full-on AMAZING.

rhodaj
by rho on May. 7, 2012 at 4:32 AM
1 mom liked this

First let me welcome you to the group.  Thank you for sharing your story with us. That takes allot of courage to do. I'm sorry for what all happened to you while you was growing up. But that is what has made you strong and caring  person. I'm glad to here that you ae getting your High School diploma and then going to college. 

MrzPalmer
by on May. 7, 2012 at 9:02 AM

I just want to say sorry again cause this is a long story, I had to not mention some stuff cause I was trying to not make it longer then what it already was.

@ Jennpuck~ Thank you, besides my husband you are the only one who's told me that. And it really does mean alot.

@ rhodaj~ Thank you for welcomeing me to the group :-)... And like I said im sorry that i made it long. I was really trying to cut to the chase but im the type of person when I tell you something i have to tell you every detail. And you are correct, everything I've been through has made me stronger. The only reason why I didnt give up long ago was because I knew I wanted to have a baby, I wanted to have a real family of my own. And im glad that I didnt give up so long ago, cause god has made my life worth living ever since I met my husband, 3 years ago. And about my schooling I never really gave up on getting it, i just procrastanated on getting it. But i always knew I was ment for my life to be better, i was born the ugly duckling in my family so i was always ment to be different! And im going to make something out of myself for my family ( son & hubby) and because I want to show my other family in a way im better then them. Im sorry if some of my wording dont make any sence I really suck at wording things

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on May. 7, 2012 at 9:52 AM

 wow you have been through alot. im proud of you for finishing school and going on to college. if you need therapy again i would go back. you may need to be on an antidepressant. im not sure how bad your depression is right now. do you still have contact with your mother? well, it sounds like you are headed in the right direction. i hope everything goes well for you!

leahbeah143
by Leah on May. 7, 2012 at 10:44 AM

 big hugs mama! you have been through SO much!

MrzPalmer
by on May. 7, 2012 at 10:54 AM

Yeah I still have contact with my mom, but its not a normal mother daughter relationship. I live away from her, with my hubby and son. Im in the next town over. I thought that with me being an adult and having a family of my own that my mom and I might be able to have some type of relationship. But no matter how much I reach out to her she still chooses to favor my younger brother over me. And makes selling pot her top priorty. I have tried to get her to just come over to my house to just spend time with me and her grandson and she always turns me down. My son dont really know my mom. The only grandmothers he knows he my MIL and my granny. I still need therpy and i know this and admit it. But im not ready to talk to a stranger in person about my problems cause by time they think I dont need help, they'll end up being another person walking out of my life. And on top of that I get really emotional talking about my past in person. And its not that i feel sorry for myself cause I dont!, I cry because i feel broken inside, and dont know if I will ever be happy with myself or feel fixed again if that makes anysence

 

Jennpuck
by on May. 7, 2012 at 5:43 PM

 

Quoting MrzPalmer:

I cry because i feel broken inside, and dont know if I will ever be happy with myself or feel fixed again if that makes anysence

 

 I think that this is part of what struck me so much about your story is that you *aren;t* the one who is broken! Throughout your young life you were surrounded by terribly broken people and that only made you stronger in your choices and convictions. You somehow just KNEW life wasn't supposed to be that way and refused to break and participate in that life... even though it might have been easier at times.

amsp259
by on May. 7, 2012 at 5:52 PM
1 mom liked this
Your doing good!! We can't help what cards we r dealt but we can chose what we do w/ our future!! Remember one day at a time
MrzPalmer
by on May. 8, 2012 at 11:11 AM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Jennpuck:

 

Quoting MrzPalmer:

I cry because i feel broken inside, and dont know if I will ever be happy with myself or feel fixed again if that makes anysence

 

 I think that this is part of what struck me so much about your story is that you *aren;t* the one who is broken! Throughout your young life you were surrounded by terribly broken people and that only made you stronger in your choices and convictions. You somehow just KNEW life wasn't supposed to be that way and refused to break and participate in that life... even though it might have been easier at times.

This is true, I always knew my life was suppose to be different. I knew I wanted to better myself. And im not going to lie, I have tried pot before and I hate it cause I couldnt conrtol my own body, I tried coke before because I got so depressed about my weight after getting on bc for my first time. And when I tried that i hated it too, I threw it right back up and then I said why even bother. My personality is a drug its self. When im being my true self I can make you bust out laughing right in the middle of you crying. I do crazy stuff just to make someone laugh. And I love to have fun. But my body has been going through it. I have seeked therpy, did many sessions. And it was helping but no matter who many therpy sessions i do, no matter how many cuts I had put on my wrist, no matter how many tears I cry I know that there will always be that something inside me that is damaged, so i feel with me admitting it then theres no need to feel sorry about myself. But now a days im living my life for my husband and son while batteling my mental issues myself. And I count my blessing everyday. Even after everything I went through in the past I wouldnt change a thing because out of it all I ended up the winner by meeting a guy that is literly my other half. And having a son that just knows how to put a smile on my face and melt my heart.

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