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Desperately need Advice :'(

Posted by Anonymous
  • 11 Replies

My story.....

Well this is how it all got started...had a shitty childhood with an abusive father, i decided to move out when i was 15. I met a guy 4 years older then me, we were together until i was 22. I ended the relationship cause i was at the point i wanted to have a family i never had. For example the loving husband, wonderfu,l kids white picket fence and all. he was still to imature to give me that so i left. I met a guy right away, after 2 months he asked me to marry him, of course i said yes, he was the man of my dreams. shortly after i found out i was pregnant. We were evicted from our house because he was behind on rent before i even moved in. So we move in with my parents. While living with my parents, i noticed strange behavior. Like him wanting to go to the bars, hiding his phone from me things like that. I confronted him, but he set all my fears aside. We finally move into our own place right before my daughter was born. shortly after this i notice yet more strange behavior. More internet dating sites, porn etc. after yelling and screamin, he of course tells me "oh baby i will never do it again, I loooove you" We move into another place and things start to get even rockier, he starts smoking lots of pot, not telling me where hes going, more craigslist personal ads, LOTS more porn. Then one day all my fears were put infront of me...He was cheating on me. I decide to move out. Back in with my parents, and find out that yes i am pregnant with our second child. We were apart for about 2  months when he went into rehab for drinking and smoking pot. He went in,called me everyday, told me everything i wanted to hear. So we got back together. My dad hates him, so him moving back in with me at my parents was a no go. So yes we became homless. 2 months later my dad allows him in the house. I thought things were going great. then all  of a sudden the same problems all over again. So finally in December i kicked him out for good. I was just about to give birth to our second daughter and this was not the life style i wanted my children in. Hes been homeless now for 6 months. living in his car. But yet for some dumb ass reason i still feel the need to take care of him. If hes hungry i feed him, if he needs gas i give it to him, if he needs the last ten dollars in my pocket i give it to him. After ALL the horrible thingds he has done to ruin out relationship. I still miss him so so so much, part of me says lets fix our relationship. But then the other part of me says NO look what he has done to you. He has made me a single mother, living in my parents basement. While he gets the free life. No responsibilities, he just looks out for himself. And yes i have snuck him in my house and we have had sex. And yes we have become really good friends since being broke up. Sometimes it even feels like we are a family again.  I just dont know what to do anymore. He ruined my life, my trust in men, my emotional state of mind, and broke my heart. But still i cant help but think about how to make it work again.... I cant sleep anymore, all i do is think and cry....

Posted by Anonymous on May. 13, 2012 at 3:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by Group Admin on May. 13, 2012 at 5:24 AM
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 you need to try and stay away from him. he sounds like a toxic person. if he is still homeless how do you think hes going to provide for you and your two kids. stop giving him your money. let him take care of himself. hes a grown man. im sure hes not even paying you child support. you dont want your life to be like it was. if he had rehabed he would probably have a job by now. whats stopping him from working. it will only make your life worse. you deserve somebody better. im sorry about your dad being abusive towards you. is he still that way or has he stopped. make sure he is not that way to your kids. find someone you can trust to watch your kids and get out with some friends or something. or by yourself. take time to meet somebody new in your life. someone with good morals and values. your life will be alot more peaceful if you do.

by on May. 13, 2012 at 5:52 AM
You have to stay away from him, no matter how bad it sucks. Your kids are going to see how he treats you and think its ok. Your life will never get better with him in it. You deserve better, your kids deserve better.
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by on May. 13, 2012 at 6:02 AM
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He is addicted to drugs. You are addicted to abuse. You both need help. But you can only help yourself. You cannot make anyone change. They have to WANT to change for themselves first. Nothing else matters but the next high. The next hit. The next are both addicts. You both need professional help. I am so sorry you are going through this. But it can get better. But you can only change you. And in order to recover from addiction you have to completly cut it out of your life. That is THE ONLY way. One day at a time. Just one more day.
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by on May. 13, 2012 at 6:10 AM

If you feel comfortable with him being a friend then be his friend. But i don't think you should be sleeping with him let alone giving him your money see him once in a while as FRIENDS but i think you should try and get your own place far away from him, you don't want to get back with him. Seriously my friend had the same problem moving away and having a friend to comfort her made her forget him completely ofcourse it took time but it worked. xxxx <3

by on May. 14, 2012 at 12:01 AM

10 years of my life was wasted because I married a crack addict. I thought my love for him would erase all the porn, sex addiction, crack and cocaine use. But it didn't.

10 years of traveling 2 continents with him, stopping him from trying suicide many times, pulling him out of crack houses, seeing him in many recovery programs (and going to meetings with him), having my worldy possessions stolen at every turn, dealing with his dealers to get my vehicles back and losing thousands upon thousands of dollars including rent/food money and the winter coat off my back.  I slept in my car, stole food from the church I worked at and hid my money in just about every secret hiding place I could.

And all of these 10 years I was completely sober, still thinking that the love I had for him was going to change him.

The last straw for me came when not only the dealers knocked on my door knowing he wasn't there but when my ex-husband, the man I gave 10 years of my life to, was in such desperate need of his next fix, that he put a gun to my chest and pulled the trigger when I said no.  It mis-fired.

Did I say all this to scare you?  Yes, I did.

Is it true?  Every blooming word and so much more.  Get away from him.  Get away from your abusive father.  Get on your own and you will never believe what a wonderful life you'll have. 

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 14, 2012 at 4:40 AM

Thank you so much. Each of you that replied, said everything that i needed to hear. The problem is i am tooooo much like my mother, even tho hes done horrible things to me i feel the need to help, and protect him for some reason i cant explain. I dont want to feel this way i really dont. I always put my children first. When we met everything was perfect, but then i came to reliaze that he came from a VERY broken childhood, things unimaginable, hes been thru alot of bad, which i know contributes to why he is the way he is. Just like you Tatetwo i had/have soo much love for him and would do anything for him even tho hes put me thru alot, i thought my love could change him.. but it didnt. He moved to kansas last week to be with his family and supposidly get his life together, so that he could be a better father to our children. We talked everyday, then when he moved iv only heard from him like 3 times. So i know he was just using me before he left. The part that kinda hurts the most, is i know the day i dropped him off at the airport was the last day id ever see him....Hes not coming back, hes got nothing here except his girls, and believe it or not hes that selfish to blow them off too. I still have love for him and i cant explain why!!!! Hes not coming back here to be homeless again, and i know that. FML

by rho on May. 14, 2012 at 5:55 AM

Hun maybe you need to talk to someone about this. He sounds like he is using you because he knows you are a caring person and still care for him.  Let him take care of himself. You worry about your children and yourself

by Bronze Member on May. 14, 2012 at 8:01 AM

Please get professional help.  You can't fix any problems with anyone else unless you fix your own.  You are in a toxic relationship, for sure.  He is abusing you emotionally.  No one deserves to be abused in any way!!!  Get an order of protection from your local authorities so he can not come close to you nor the children.  It will hurt like hell, but that's where the support of someone professional comes in.  He also needs to get professional help on his own.  You need to be the strong one to break the cycle of abuse.  I sounds like you have help from your parents so embrace that; don't drive it away by giving in to a man who is abusive, selfish, and immature.  Good luck!

by Leah on May. 14, 2012 at 9:42 AM

 hugs mama! he sounds like someone that would drag you down with him in a heart beat and that will not be good for you or your kids. and by helping him you're enabling him to be a giant loser. have you been to al-anon?

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on May. 15, 2012 at 2:00 AM

what is al-anon?

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