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Depression Support Center Depression Support Center

Why People Choose Suicide - The main reason I can think of not to

Posted by on May. 17, 2012 at 1:37 PM
  • 52 Replies

For too long it seems as though life is merely something to get through.  There is no joy anywhere.   The only people I care about are my children who are both grown and on their own but struggling with their own personal problems.


I have suffered from depression most of my life and can barely remember a time when it wasn't a problem.  I lost the few friends I had due to the fallout from a bad relationship and the subsequent betrayal by a friend and the other basically I guess thinking it was too much trouble.   I wasn't getting better on her timetable.

My children are my only consideration.   I want to help them but there is no help and even if there was I am in no condition to provide it.


My therapist has turned away from me, I think she's frustrated as I am.  She says I cannot kill myself because of what it would do to my children.   I think it would be hard but they would get over it.   The main reason I can think of not to is because its a sin.   But religion has been a torment to me my entire life, not a comfort and even now it is turning out to be just one more burden.


How unfair it is that because of religion and events in my childhood I grew up believing I was going to hell no matter what from when I was 7 onward.   And now that I am older and life just seems to be one unending struggle and the only "out" is death - that even that would be denied to me unless I can overcome this additional condemnation that would be mine should I choose to leave.


How cruel it is to be painted in a corner and your one out is a one-way trip to hell.  I'm tired of living, tired of being sad, tired of being isolated and alone and just tired.


I think for myself I think about death because its too painful to exist.   It is not, contrary to what my therapist says, something I would do to cause my children to feel guilty, it is just a way out of an existence that is cold and empty and too painful too endure.  And look, even my therapist thinks so little of me as to accuse me of being purposely cruel to cause my children pain.    What I want to give my children and what I have to give them are not the same thing.   If I could choose between being a good happy influence in their life and the opposite of killing myself then obviously the way to be is a good influence.   But the choices are limited.   What I want, what I would like to be, do not exist.  The choice is between endless pain and finding a way out.


I am tired and I think why do this and the only reason I can think of to not is because of fear of hell.  Religion has been the cause of many of my problems, and now in cruel irony, it is also the thing that prohibits any relief.


by on May. 17, 2012 at 1:37 PM
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CaseyInKS
by on May. 17, 2012 at 1:45 PM

Anyway, I think the main reason for wanting to die is because the alternative is unbearable.  Day after day of unending sadness and increasing alienation from the only people I love.   The emptiness inside and the prospect of only more of the same - shouldn't there be some relief from this kind of existence.


This depression is becoming heavier by the day sometimes by the hour or minute.   There is no one to tell because they would either figure I was being theatrical or just from exasperation what to do.


On and on and on it goes and incredibly gets worse when I think how could it be any worse.  It is not as though we will live forever anyway and if things get too bad how cruel is it to make someone stay?

single_and_preg
by on May. 17, 2012 at 2:23 PM

i understand how you feel. My life is getting worse and worse, Im not sure how to make it better. I have no friends, no-one to really talk to about my problems....well i do....but talking doesnt help at all. I need them to be solved. I feel like there is no future, all my happiness has been taken away. nobody likes me, i reacted in a rage and people pressed crim charges against me, so now i have to worry about going to court and see what happens........I feel like my life is over, everymorning i wake up im more and more depressed. I have my dad and i feel sorry for him cuz my depression caused me to have a mental breakdown and now he is sick with heart problems, and neither of us are working, so i dont know what to do with all these bills, Im just so worried and scared and feel lke i cant handle it.


lyrick24
by Ruby Member on May. 17, 2012 at 4:54 PM
2 moms liked this

 i too, must say that it has been religion that has kept me from killing myself. i also had strange beliefs taught to me when i was a child and was afraid of god. since i have gotten older i have made some decisions for myself just by reading the bible. i think you will find peace in there and understand there is nothing to be afraid of. i also think you need to be seeing a psych. dr. and need to be on meds for your depression. if the first thing you take doesnt work then keep trying. i had to try several things before i found the right thing. good luck!

jdy9440
by on May. 17, 2012 at 6:46 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm so sorry you feel so down. I have never Been to that point, my heart goes out to you. I'm here if you need someone to talk too.
matreshka
by Ruby Member on May. 17, 2012 at 7:21 PM
I have been there in many of the situations you speak of. Growing up atrocity Roman Catholic I thilouht unwashed going to hell from an early age. I had so much guilt growing up.

I have attempted suicide because I thought my son would be better off without a "crazy" mom. But I have learned he loves me for who I am. The same with my LO.

I still have my bad episodes and Buddhism not Catholicism has helped me through it. So has finding a patient therapist.
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Manth
by on May. 18, 2012 at 5:22 AM

I can tell you now that your children will NOT get over it if you take your own life.  How do I know this?  Because my sister felt as you do and killed herself in 2004.  I will NEVER forget her then 7 year old daughter screaming and crying for someone to 'open the box' (casket) and let Mummy out so she could come home.  Her children were 4, 6, 7, 10 and 12 when she died and they still miss her and mourn for her today.  I can guarantee you your children would mourn for you too.

CaseyInKS
by on May. 18, 2012 at 7:01 PM

Manth, I do appreciate your input and your effort in providing it and understand why you feel as you do I think - but  my children face, whether they know it or not, a multiple choice either learn to get over it or learn to live with the knowledge that being around their mother is draining, no fun.   I think that is what they would decide about one choice - me being here.  And then they'd quit coming and who could blame them?

And in some ways its part of the reason I'm depressed, the follow-up / add-on to depression.   I know this sounds crazy to say I love my children but not enough to stay here.   Of all the things that bother me I think that is the one guaranteed way to do me in - push me over the edge, knowing that my children no longer cared for me and so stayed away.    i wouldn't blame them for staying away, nobody wants to be around a total energy drain, I just couldn't deal with it.

When we take tests we don't get to choose what the multiple choice answers are.  we have to pick from one of the ones on the list.


It is sad, no doubt, and the image is distressing, of a little girl too young to understand death and depression, just wanting her mom back.   It's heartbreaking.


My children are older, adults and used to being on their own.  I went through something with my younger son this past winter that I thought was a very bonding experience.  We both were facing adversity, he had lost his job, and it became clear to each of us that we had similar thoughts about dying.   We made a promise to each other not to go there.    he's got a job again, thankfully, and appears to feel much better and I am so glad and happy for him, what kind of mother would I be if I wanted him to stay miserable so that we would have something in common.    But the truth is as close as we got, as much as we shared (normally he's not someone to say much about feelings) he told me I was the most real person he knew even when I was "weird" which was cool.   But he's moved on and I'm still here, stuck, and the closeness and understanding we had is gone too.  So I ask myself if it was just an illusion anyway.   I am glad he's better, I hated seeing him depressed.   But he's moved on, he seems to have forgotten what we shared which leaves me feeling a great loss of this openness and expressions of love and caring and support.   Another thing to pile on a plate already overflowing with stuff that just leaves me tired.    Survival is a strong almost undeniable impulse in some ways.   It's too bad there isn't a way to just say "i stop breathing" and have it be so.   No mess, no drama, no tears, just gone and maybe finally at peace.    Or not - would just not breathing anymore qualify as suicide - and open the whole religious can of worms thing.


Even dying is too complicated for words.

CaseyInKS
by on May. 18, 2012 at 7:21 PM

Matreshka - being Catholic - what a drag.   I have at times been very angry at my parents for sentencing me to this life with the knowledge of have about religion which may or may not be true.   I feel it is unfair to take a helpless child and baptise him or her, the godparents speaking for the child, dedicating the child sort of in absentia (of the ability to choose and speak).   When once you are a Catholic then you have, according to teaching "the gift" which is no gift imo but a curse.   Once you receive this gift you are stuck with it, can't give it back.


If you never got the gift you'd be better off, no one could hold you liable if you never had that WONDERFUL gift/opportunity to be a Catholic - but because my godparents agreed in my stead - here I am, wondering, struggling.


I wonder which would be the bigger joke - finding out there is no afterlife (but then how would you know, you wouldn't - you just wouldn't be anymore) or finding out there is and you've screwed yourself for eternity.

Being Catholic is such a drag - first they screw up your mind and then when it gets to be too much and you want out they screw that up too.


CaseyInKS
by on May. 18, 2012 at 7:26 PM


Quoting jdy9440:

I'm so sorry you feel so down. I have never Been to that point, my heart goes out to you. I'm here if you need someone to talk too.
Thank you for your empathy.  I appreciate your efforts to listen should I need to "talk".   What is there to say though?
I was talking with my therapist on the phone a few days ago and I was confused and finally she asked me "why did you call me" and I told her the truth "I don't know".    I'm looking for answers.   But her response made it clear - what do I want and what do people have to give if you present them with the circumstances?   What is it you want them to do?   They are frustrated and so am I.   So now we have 2 frustrated people and still no answer so why bother?
I'm not trying to minimize your offer, really, its very generous of you.   I just don't think you realize what you might get into/hear/ that you might regret later.

Th


CaseyInKS
by on May. 18, 2012 at 7:34 PM

Tyrick, sorry you too are a VICTIM of THE GIFT.   Some gift hmmmm?


I've been on medication the greater part of my life.   Prozac at one time was almost like a miracle but like all good things it had an ending.   Effexor I was on was very good at keeping me emotionally "level" no highs, no lows, just drone onward, which is preferable to this.   Unfortunately I put on about 65 pounds - heavier than when i was pregnant - and so my psych. change it to wellbutrin XR which seems to work about as well as anything or maybe as bad as nothing, who knows?


I've taken some of the earlier anti-depressants that left you feeling just weird too, all sorts of side-effects.


I'm not sure there is really, as the song goes - a message in the bottle - except just We Suggest you LOOK ELSEWHERE.

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