Why People Choose Suicide - The main reason I can think of not to
For too long it seems as though life is merely something to get through. There is no joy anywhere. The only people I care about are my children who are both grown and on their own but struggling with their own personal problems.
I have suffered from depression most of my life and can barely remember a time when it wasn't a problem. I lost the few friends I had due to the fallout from a bad relationship and the subsequent betrayal by a friend and the other basically I guess thinking it was too much trouble. I wasn't getting better on her timetable.
My children are my only consideration. I want to help them but there is no help and even if there was I am in no condition to provide it.
My therapist has turned away from me, I think she's frustrated as I am. She says I cannot kill myself because of what it would do to my children. I think it would be hard but they would get over it. The main reason I can think of not to is because its a sin. But religion has been a torment to me my entire life, not a comfort and even now it is turning out to be just one more burden.
How unfair it is that because of religion and events in my childhood I grew up believing I was going to hell no matter what from when I was 7 onward. And now that I am older and life just seems to be one unending struggle and the only "out" is death - that even that would be denied to me unless I can overcome this additional condemnation that would be mine should I choose to leave.
How cruel it is to be painted in a corner and your one out is a one-way trip to hell. I'm tired of living, tired of being sad, tired of being isolated and alone and just tired.
I think for myself I think about death because its too painful to exist. It is not, contrary to what my therapist says, something I would do to cause my children to feel guilty, it is just a way out of an existence that is cold and empty and too painful too endure. And look, even my therapist thinks so little of me as to accuse me of being purposely cruel to cause my children pain. What I want to give my children and what I have to give them are not the same thing. If I could choose between being a good happy influence in their life and the opposite of killing myself then obviously the way to be is a good influence. But the choices are limited. What I want, what I would like to be, do not exist. The choice is between endless pain and finding a way out.
I am tired and I think why do this and the only reason I can think of to not is because of fear of hell. Religion has been the cause of many of my problems, and now in cruel irony, it is also the thing that prohibits any relief.