Hello, my name is Barbara. I am new to cafemom and am still trying to find my way around. I did however find this forum and am hoping that it helps. I am 29 and have 3 children ages 1, 5, and 9. I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety disorder and can't even get my medicine filled. Money is very tight and we can hardly pay our bills. I have good days and I have bad. Sometimes I feel as though I want to leave my family and be alone. I feel as though they'd be better off without me. Sometimes I feel as though they would fall apart without me, lol. I have seen a therapist before, but my depression got to me and I quit going. My depression started when I was 16, after my father passed away and I got into drugs and drinking. I no longer do any of that, I have the occasional glass of champagne, that's it. I have severe aggression at times, to the point where I yell at my kids for the stupidest of things. I get quiet and don't care to speak to anyone. My best friend and only friend I had here in Fernandina passed away back in Sept. I have no one to talk to anymore....... that understands anyways. I blame myself for part of my depression and the fact that Ifeel as though I messed up mine and my kids lives. My kids each have a different dad. I'm living with and engaged to my oldest sons dad. He and I have been in and out of a relationship, mostly due to my depression, He considers the kids as his, all of them. My daughters "sperm donor" has been out for 6 months, I'm happy about that. My baby boys dad unfortunately comes around. I hate him with every ounce of my being. He lied to me for 3 months about having cancer, faked everything. Faked the appts, the pain, everything. Here's the thing......my dad died from cancer when I was 16. I need help with overcoming this and being free of it. I need people like me to talk to. My fiance understands, but only to a certain extent.