Palm Bays are not helping. :/
my baby's going to daycare @ six months old. i'm holding her close every day until then and I'm very sad about it. I have to try to work. I'm ruining my credit and throwing everything away. Slightly on purpose. I'm one of those 'bent on self-destruction, aim high so I can destroy myself to the fullest' kind of people. I just moved and my house is a wreck. I love it but I worry every single day about every decision I make ruining my future. I have homework to do. I gotta do it. Tomorrow. I have my assistant license to practice ECE but I'm so scared of being thrown into a room of people. I know I can do it. I have to. But then I feel like I'm tossing my own babies aside to care for others...for money. This is what I chose this is my starting point. I'm getting way too snappy with my kids and I'm even getting major anxiety about whether or not I treat the equally.
I feel like I have a boulder on my shoulders. I feel lke no one understands and every one gives up on me. My best friend is my personal abuser and I'm his favorite victim. I feel isolated, angry, and lost. I haate him and I wish he'd just leave me alone. Then he says he'll just go away but I know he won't.
The last time I saw a 'therapist', at the end of the session, he said you could either walk away and not come back or set up another appointment..I'm a unique person and he bets people give me a second look. He basically confirmed for me that I'm different and I don't fit in with the norms of society. How do I explain the severity of my social anxiety? That when I'm out in public it feels like everyone's looking at me and talking about me?
A couple days ago I was falling asleep and then an angry voice yelled at me in my head 'WAKE UP, YOU KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT' I think that\s what it said, but it scared the shit out of me and I jumped and my heart was pounding for a good 5 minutes. It's happened before.