Anyone else feel like crap today?
Whether it's emotional hangover or just plain not getting enough, sleep, it resulted in me not going outside at all today and sleeping most of the day. I admit my six yr old was awake for about an hour while I slept , but I really had no energy. I made a conscious effort to eat today. There was apparently barbecues and silly boats and stuff downtown today - stuff the kids would be pissed knowing about and that we didn't go. I felt like an ass of a mother keeping them home today.
What's changed and why am I so down? Maybe? My ex sent cops and a social worker to my house Friday night. had been ignoring him and refusing to let him come over. For several hours. The decision was not to remove the kids. I had to wait for his supervisor to call the social worker back to make the decision.
I just moved here to, and yes, I admit I've been slacking as well, but its not to say I haven't been cleaning at all - well of course 1 am you're not frickin execting guests and we were going to clean up for my six yr olds bday party in the am anyway...I got a week to clean my house to fucking perfection or they will be taking them next time they're here. It's really not that embarrassing. I just need to finish organizing the bedrooms.
Sometimes I wonder why and how I hold my shit together. I wonder simply, beccause I don't. I barely pull it off. I feel like I"m lucky to be amother and I wonder, why, if I"m such a fuckin idiot I'm still allowed to live nevermind have kids. I've been crying on and off all day. I've been so stupid. And all it comes down to is accept, or deny his calls, accept or deny access. I'm such a dumb little girl and now I'm this close to losing everything, just like he promised. They could easily change their mimnd like tomorrow and say we don't believe you'll stay away from him, so we're just going to tke them now. The kids are going to daycare tomorrow, and I'm going to be like right around the corner.
I held my baby tight that night I almost lost her. I probably would not have seen any of them for another few months.