Need to Say Iām Sorry? Apologies Need to Include Actions and Words
Reviewed by John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on July 19, 2012
A new study shows that restitution is an important aspect of mending bridges but asking for forgiveness is critical for true resolution of a transgression.
Baylor University researchers discovered people are more likely to show forgiving behavior if they receive restitution, but they are more prone to report they have forgiven if they get an apology.
According to researchers, the study underscores the importance of both restitution and apology and of using multiple measures for forgiveness, including behavior.
āOne of the main reasons for using behavioral measures in addition to self-reporting by individuals is that they can make themselves look better by only self-reporting, although they donāt necessarily intend to lie,ā said Jo-Ann Tsang, Ph.D.
āAnd it may be that āI forgive youā is a more conscious feeling if they receive an apology.ā
In the study, 136 undergraduate psychology students were told that raffle tickets for a $50 gift card would be given out in three rounds, with 10 tickets per round to be divided between a participant and an unknown āpartner.ā They also were told they might receive a note from the partner.
In the first round, participants were given only two of the 10 tickets split between them and their partners; in the second, they got nine. Some were told the distributions were made by the partner; others were told it was by chance.
Some participants received an apology note from their partners on the second round, saying, āSorry about that first round. I got carried away, and I feel really bad that I did that.ā
Some participants also received raffle tickets back from their partners in the second round, a form of restitution. In the last round, the participants were given the chance to be in charge of distributions themselves.
Researchers examined how apology, restitution, empathy and forgiveness were intertwined.
To do this they evaluated behavior (how many raffle tickets participants gave to their partners on the third round); and self-reporting on a questionnaire, with participants telling how highly they rated their motivation to forgive.
From the findings, investigators came to the conclusion that āmaking amends can facilitative forgiveness, but not all amends can fully compensate for offenses.ā
Apology may be needed to repair damage fully, but it may be a āsilent forgiveness,ā while restitution without apology may lead to a āhollow forgivenessā in which the offenders are treated better but not necessarily forgiven.
āThe results suggest that if transgressors seek both psychological and interpersonal forgiveness from their victims, they must pair their apologies with restitution,ā they wrote. āApparently, actions and words speak loudest in concert.ā
The study is published in the Journal of Positive Psychology.
Source: Baylor University