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Don't know which way to go or who to trust anymore..

Posted by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:05 AM
  • 13 Replies

     I'm trying to get over and through alot of things that have happened in my life that really have torn me up on the inside and I just don't know how to get over it and through it.

     I married a man that I had known for yrs and I thought at that time that we were the best of friends cause in the yrs that we had been friends and seeing one another we confided in each other about so much. We had so many things in common with each other and we enjoyed spending time together. I also knew his sister that I called my sister, She and I had a very strong bond and at the time that her brother and I were seeing each other everything was fine, even though he and I found out that his sister was coming back to each of us behind one anothers back telling us negative things about each other. He and I would confront one another on the issues being said about us and we found out that it was just lies, but my issue was "WHY" was she lying on each of us? When I would confront her she'd tell me that it wasn't true what I heard about her talking about me..I wanted so badly to believe in her and trust her cause like I said she was like an older sister to me (a sister that I always wanted).

   Once her brother and I got married and had a child together things got even worse because instead of her being happy for us like I thought that she would be, she'd be smiling in my faceand talking about me behind my back like a dog. Even to their mother!!! I would tell him how bad thesse things bothered me and tell him to handle it but, he claimed that he did, but never handled any of it in front of me. So to me he didn't handle any of it. We went on like this for yrs and I got so fed up with it and then the last thing that really blew my mind was when it was him, our daughter and me on the phone talking with his sister and she cme out and made a comment about me sleeping with a cousin of theirs that he knew for a fact that I can't stand!!! He pissed me off by "NOT" making any words in my defense as his wife...my husband knew the facts and how things were going and he still did nothing in my defense. We have now divorced and he's still calling me telling me how much he loves me and needs me and I have made it very clear how I feel about him and his family and that we will never-ever get back together under any circumstances. All of the children are now grown and have moved on with their lives.

   His sister recently was going through some health issues and she called me for me to send out prayers for her and to give her strength, I did cause that is the kind of person that I am..but I don't trust or like her any more as a friend or anything, just like with him.

   Now that I've moved on with my life I don't know who to trust anymore..How do we learn to trust ppl anymore? Give me ur advice.. 


by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Naturewoman4
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 12:24 PM

I'm so sorry you have gone through all that.  I think I can relate to what you are saying.  What I can say is ONLY from MY experiences in life.  For me, I simply don't trust anymore.  I think that's the safest way to be.  I'm alot happier too.  Because, I don't trust & I don't expect anything from anyone.  I wouldn't be in contact with any of those people that have destroyed your marriage.  Even if you have moved on.  Because, to me, it just brings back bad memories.  I forgive, but I don't forget. 

I have gone through similiar things in my life.  With my birth family.  There's only so many times you can try.  I found that I was the one that keep coming back & trying, but they never did really.  The way they try is for ME to suck up to them.  Me to play their games.  I left that all behind.  I think what you can do, is to leave the past behind.  To do that, you have to forgive, but you don't have to forget.  You also don't have to be in contact with them anymore.  For me, it just brings all that pain back again.  So, I would not contact any of the people involved.  Your ex & his family.  Then, you can start over & one day you can start to trust again.  (with caution). 

I had a situation recently, where I thought I was accepted.  I thought someone cared.  (family member), but I was wrong.  Seems, when I don't get along with another family member, I get dumped by all.  Even when THAT person is the horrible, horrible one towards me.  Doesn't matter.  It reminds of what you hear goes on in grade school or even High School.  You don't get along with a certain person, you're out.  I just chuck it up to live & learning.  Then I move on.  It might take me a couple of times, to learn this.  But, I do learn.  I guess it's because I can't believe people can really be like that.  I know, IF I get drawn back into all that mess, I will find myself back to where I was then.  Which is pain, stress & misery.  So, you can forgive just DON'T forget.

leahbeah143
by Leah on Aug. 5, 2012 at 6:39 PM
1 mom liked this

 I don't understand why people do that at all! I've had people do that to me too where they are being sweet as pie to my face, but going behind my back and telling blatant lies. All I can say after that happening one to many times is trust is earned. Send prayers for her, but don't try to be friends with her again.

gcecelie
by on Aug. 5, 2012 at 6:47 PM
1 mom liked this

If you two want to get back together fine, but just set some guidelines about the sister. Her jealousy (that's all it is) should not affect your happiness to that point. You are lucky that he KNOWS and acknowledges that she lies about things. This could be much worse if he always ran to her defense and left you dangling alone in the wind like a fish out of water.

And also, be confrontational. Putting her in her place when she crosses the line together. If you are religious, God put you two together and no one is suppose to come between, including parents, siblings, cousins, and friends.

That's my advise. Things are not as bad as they seem because he gets it and you get it. Now you two have to get her to understand what the rules are.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Aug. 5, 2012 at 11:13 PM
2 moms liked this

Put the past behind you. 

There's no good that comes from starting a previous relationship over again when there's so much that hasn't been said and so much that you and everyone involved hasn't owned up to or aren't willing to because you hide behind your own walls.

Never rely on someone else to initiate good will gestures or come to your defense.  If you have something that's on your mind, don't tell your SO to take care of it for you.  Wait till the time is right when ALL parties are in the same room (or chat room) then speak your mind.  Never lay down for people when it comes to how YOU feel about situations. 

This SIL of yours - she'll never understand you because you don't talk with her.  You talk about her.  She talks about you.  It's a vicious cycle.

ShugarD
by on Aug. 6, 2012 at 10:57 AM

   I thank u for ur opinion on the post that I had  wrote. I am not the type of person that depends on anyone to speak for me, I was just trying to give my husband respect in the matter because he knew as well as I how I am and that I wanted too and would confront that person. I told him many of times that  "WE" should all get together and bring up the matters at hand, he kept telling me not to pay any of it any mind cause he wasn't believing any of it, but with me it was the point that it was being said at all..

   This woman and I were supposedly the best of friends with each other for over (20) yrs and then she got in her ways and we never visited each other and we got to the point that we wouldn't even talk over the phone with each other any more.

   It bothered me more with him because he was my "husband" and I just didn't understand why he couldn't and wouldn't speak up and voice his opinions with all of us together to get the matter solved. He could've gotten us together and solved all of it but he just didn't and it wasn't like we lived in the same state for me to just go to her house and voice my sayings cause then she would've said something for us to end up fighting with each other and I was trying to avoid that mess...

   Thank you for ur opinion..

ShugarD
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 12:26 PM

  You are so very right there, because no-one can expect another person to speak what they have to say to some one else. It's best to always say what "YOU" have to say from your own mouth, heart and mind so there are no mis-understandings in your words. Thank you for the honest advise. God Bless You..wave 

ShugarD
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 12:33 PM

  Yeah, that marriage would've worked out if he was the kind to open his mouth either way to them or with me but he just let things ride on by him and figured that sooner or later it would just allo blow over between all of us well it did blow over 'cause i got sick and tired of the bull with the all of them. No this marriage will never be fixed between him and I, we barely have a friendship like we use to have between us now.. Thank you for your opinion, God bless..wink 

KatieRow1112
by on Aug. 12, 2012 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this

 I don't understand why people have to make up lies and carry on a charade. I'm very sorry that you are going through things like this and that lies have been made up about you.  I totally understand why you'd want to ex the family out...well, the intimate side of the family anyway....Trust is a very hard thing to get and a very easy thing to lose.  Again, I'm very sorry that all this happened to you.  Long story short, I don't believe that you can trust again for a while.  And that's not a bad thing.  You'll be able to trust again as soon as some decent people come into your life...you'll know.  I hope that makes sense.       

gcecelie
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:48 PM
1 mom liked this

 A lot of people are in your boat and we just don't know it. I wish there was a Marriage group where they focused on specific issues with like a counselor or something. Lord knows, having the right tools that you KNOW work would help a lot of people out.

gcecelie
by on Jan. 2, 2013 at 12:51 PM

 Sorry hun.

As someone explained to me once... People are like seasons. They come and then go. Just love them while they are here but do not try to make it summer forever (or fall or winter or spring).

Quoting ShugarD:

  Yeah, that marriage would've worked out if he was the kind to open his mouth either way to them or with me but he just let things ride on by him and figured that sooner or later it would just allo blow over between all of us well it did blow over 'cause i got sick and tired of the bull with the all of them. No this marriage will never be fixed between him and I, we barely have a friendship like we use to have between us now.. Thank you for your opinion, God bless..wink 

 

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