These thoughts literally drown me. I cant stop obsessing over death and how I cant wait until God picks me next. I dont want to force my life into the hands of God though because I dont even have the nerves to do it.
My kids are the only reason I wake up in the mornings. The only reason I go to work. The only reason that I fake a smile... They are the only people left in my life who sincerely LOVE me and care about me and they are only 3 and 4.. Their biofather left us high and dry after I caught him cheating on me with an ex High School sweetheart of his. I havent heard from him in 2+ years, no CS payments in over a year and a half (owes $5000, its only 50$ a week!!). He's too busy playing house with the girl he cheated on me with. They have a son together who just turned 2. They live in Texas, and he works under the table so there isnt any paperwork and that he cant be found by the state.
If I did happen to die (whether it's an accident or not), where would my children go? I will NOT tolerate the courts even suggesting that they go back to their biofathers care. He is a druggie, steals from every job he's ever worked at and hasnt seen nor attempted to call my children in years. How would I go about writing a legal will? I want my children to stay within my family (if my family will even bother to take them) and I would want my stbx boyfriend to be their primary caretaker. He's been there for these kids since my youngest was six months old. He IS their dad. I just dont know how it'll play out in court. The only court order between us is the child support.. he still technically has joint custody. I want to file for sole custody and maybe even have his rights fully removed.. I just dont know where to start. I suffer from so many mentall illnesses and I feel like a child when it comes to doing things like this on my own. Im always so confused.
And please, dont be hesitant to answering the questions above.. because feeling suicidal or not, I still would need those questions answered. :( Please help..