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Suicidal Thoughts... WHY!?

Posted by Anonymous   + Show Post

These thoughts literally drown me. I cant stop obsessing over death and how I cant wait until God picks me next. I dont want to force my life into the hands of God though because I dont even have the nerves to do it.

My kids are the only reason I wake up in the mornings. The only reason I go to work. The only reason that I fake a smile... They are the only people left in my life who sincerely LOVE me and care about me and they are only 3 and 4.. Their biofather left us high and dry after I caught him cheating on me with an ex High School sweetheart of his. I havent heard from him in 2+ years, no CS payments in over a year and a half (owes $5000, its only 50$ a week!!). He's too busy playing house with the girl he cheated on me with. They have a son together who just turned 2. They live in Texas, and he works under the table so there isnt any paperwork and that he cant be found by the state.

If I did happen to die (whether it's an accident or not), where would my children go? I will NOT tolerate the courts even suggesting that they go back to their biofathers care. He is a druggie, steals from every job he's ever worked at and hasnt seen nor attempted to call my children in years. How would I go about writing a legal will? I want my children to stay within my family (if my family will even bother to take them) and I would want my stbx boyfriend to be their primary caretaker. He's been there for these kids since my youngest was six months old. He IS their dad. I just dont know how it'll play out in court. The only court order between us is the child support.. he still technically has joint custody. I want to file for sole custody and maybe even have his rights fully removed.. I just dont know where to start. I suffer from so many mentall illnesses and I feel like a child when it comes to doing things like this on my own. Im always so confused.

And please, dont be hesitant to answering the questions above.. because feeling suicidal or not, I still would need those questions answered. :( Please help..

Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 9, 2012 at 5:30 PM
Replies (11-12):
by on Sep. 10, 2012 at 4:43 PM

OK, that makes sense. You can't have a relationship without trust and respect. Those are the two things at the top of my list. I was confused because you said you would want him to be their primary caretaker. The bottom line is that your kids need you, not someone you choose to write up in a will. Please keep calling until you find answers and help. Stay in the forum and let  us know how you are doing.


Quoting Anonymous:

Quoting Kathy489:

They have suicide hotlines in the phonebook, I think, or look on line. Get someone to listen. Just keep calling. Your kids need you.

In terms of the stbx boyfriend, I don't understand that. It sounds like he has been there for you. Why would you break up with him?

Because he doesnt respect my wishes for him to stop talking to a certain friend whom is a girl. I dont have problems with girl friends, but this particular girl has slept with A LOT of guys and she only calls him for "advice" when she's having guy problems. I dont feel comfortable with it. He lied and told me that he told her that he doesnt want to talk to her anymore because he values our relationship more and that was a LIE. Text/Call records show that he texted and called her several times after I had told him I had enough and he "promised" he would stop. There's obviously more, but that was the straw that broke the camels back.

by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Sep. 10, 2012 at 4:50 PM

Yeah, he's an amazing Father, just not spouse material.. at least not right now. Trust and respect are also the top 2 most important things in a relationship and both are completely gone.

Thank you so much. I would never leave my kids- theyre the reason I am still here. I just cant stop thinking about how much better everyone would be, though I know deep down that's irrational.

Quoting Kathy489:
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