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8 weeks of helll and still goingg....

Posted by on Sep. 27, 2012 at 3:16 AM
  • 14 Replies

Hey,! My name is Trisha. I'm 18 years old. I'm from schuylkill county.

I'm currently engaged. & I have a baby boy chase that is 1 month & 4weeks old :)

I joined this mom site because i'm trying to find moms that struggled or struggling with postpardum depression as I am. I had a past of depression way before I got pregnant. Through my pregnancy the only supportive one I really had was my boyfriend. My family just looked down on me and tried to convince me of an abortion or adoption and then treated me like crap for not choosing either and for being with the guy i'm still with today.

Soo soon as I hit 9 months pregnant we got our own place n my family came around but i stil was hiding the hurt they left me with, then I got induced july 31,2012 and had a baby boy that was 8lbs 12oz, 20 1/2 inch long at 2:44pm & later that night I was hit with postpardum depression as they rolled the baby back to the nursery I got the feeling of hurt through my body like i was never going to see him again n i held in my cry n took a deep breathe, then the next day i just looked at him n i wanted to cry, i was just weeping for awhile. Later after my 2 day stay I returned to our appt with our baby boy n i still had the weeps & then soon enough that week i started gettin bazare thoughts well images of seeing myself hurting him & it broke my heart and ripped me apart and after 3 days i couldnt handle it no more and called my doctor for depression medication generic celexa and i was doing goood for about 3 weeks then all of a sudden i thought i was gettin better and then the thoughts worsen like i just thought about hurting him instead of seeing images and then i started takin vitamins everyday n half a celexa n i feel better than b4 but i still don't feel right anyone thats experiencing the same thing as me feel free to add me n help ive been dealing with this for 8 weeks now :(

by on Sep. 27, 2012 at 3:16 AM
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by on Sep. 27, 2012 at 3:29 AM
Welcome, I replied to you in the other group. I hope you like it here. The ladies here are really caring and supportive.
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by on Sep. 27, 2012 at 3:32 AM

okayy i'll check it out :)

by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 12:11 AM

Hey momma! How are you feeling? I've had PPD & PP Anxiety for almost a year now. I know how much it sucks!! It DOES get better though. I'm so sorry to hear your family hasn't been there for you. How are things with your bf? And how is your baby??

PM me anytime. I'm a sahm and always willing to listen :-)

Quoting clare731:

okayy i'll check it out :)

by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 12:20 AM

 I;m feeling good and yucky at the same time n i have exactly what youu do, i was on zooloft and got anxious off it, generic celexa n was drowsy alot, and now im on effexor and im gunna start takin vitamin b12,complex b vitamins n sucks feeling shitty all the time n my family came around at 9 months pregnant otherwise it was hell and i was upset constantly and my bf good with me andd my baby is amazing,

i just hate the thoughts of me hurting him and getting the temptation too it eats away at me inside and drives me nuts, i was doing good for awhile until the minute i get upset or stressed n the thoughts come back, before i was pregnant i was diagnosed with depression but it never bothered me bc i never cared but now it drives me crazy and on top of it i hate visiting my bf family bc they huttle over the baby n don't leave him alone n i feel like im loosing him or there trying to take him from me, or there saying you should have him dressed like this or that like im not a good mother, n ppl are always wanting too see him n even if they dont i hate hearing about itt?!?!?

by on Oct. 7, 2012 at 12:46 AM

 and when i was pregnant i was ready too eat my parents alive bc they were ass's, and i hated his family bc the whole time it was you can't drink this when your pregnant,or you can't play vollyball when your pregnant, and justt blahh blahh shit to piss me off n it made me even more want the baby to myself, its not that i dislike his family now i just get really upset when i hear there coming around or they are around idk what it is, but when they are the thoughts come back n get tough, n its so hardd to get over ppd bc when you see yoour baby the thoughts are instant..n now im gettin weird with my family bc when ppl hold em they hold them forever n dunt give him back, its like he's my baby soo piss off n stop trying to take my spot, i just feel so alone anymore but i hate being around ppl bc of the so sick of trying...i just want this shit too be over alreadyy :"( i just don't like either bf just gets all pissy about it bc i dont wanna be around his family when they come bc of it i dont wanna have the thoughts ...the more ppl try n get closer the more im pulling away..

by Group Admin on Oct. 7, 2012 at 5:37 AM

 hugs momma. i hope the ppd goes away soon. i had it after my first child and i know how it can be.

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 9:55 PM

Wow first off i commend you on how honest you are! You are asking for help and that is amazing! Im 22 and i have a 2 yr old daughter. i went thru the exact same thing you are going through! I was having horrible thoughts of hurting my baby and then i would have panic attacks for what i was thinking. it was torture i felt like i was going crazy and i was so sad because i loved her but i couldnt be alone with her. the thoughts were horrifying and the panic attacks were intense. the feeling of utter fear would rush throughtout my whole body. i had to ask for help from anyone who would help. i did not allow myself to be alone with her in fear of what might happen. i remember times were i would be giving her a bath and getting her dressed thinking to myself "too bad she is going to die tonight" it was the most horrifying thing i have ever went. and i was scared to tell anyone i thought they would take her away. Finally i broke down and told my doctor and he put me on zoloft to rebuild my serotonin. while i waited weeks for it to kick in when the thoughts would come i would tell myself " its just the depression its not real" and instead of panicking i would not react. i would ignore it and tell myself "im fine, its not real, im going to get better" but still have people watching over me with her just for safety. as the zoloft started working and i stopped reacting the the thoughts they became less frequent. its been 6 months now and im been panick attack free. i reached out to a thrapist who has been helping me alot and im still recovering. anytime i get bad thoughts i tell myself" no, its just anxiety, i refuse to accept that thought. " and then i think of other things. BUT i am so proud of you for telling people u need help that is a huge step i was afraid to take!!. Your going to be fine!! Its just your brain went through alot and stress changes the brain ! when you find the right medication and get a therapist so u can sort through your thought and rewire your brain back to normal you be all better!!!! I have hope for you i know you can do it! Do not dwell on the thoughts just reject it and say "no, im a good mom and im going to get better!! i hope to hear back from you and im happy i dounf someone who understands what i went thru too!

by on Oct. 12, 2012 at 10:04 PM
Sorry to hear that your dealing with this. I have Bi Polar and now after my soon I have post partum a well. I have been taking Prozac for almost 2 weeks and it seems to be helping. I never had thighs of hitting my boy but I did have little movie like clips where I see him being hurt and I felt so helpless and went to in patient for 24hrs because I couldn't stand it any more. If you need some one to talk to please feel free to PM me and I'll be more than happy to talk when I'm on
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by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 12:16 AM

 it took me awhile to tell my fiance about the thoughts, bc it would break my heart thinking about it or even saying about what i was thinking, then i finally told my family so i would have a ride to the dr n then i finally told my gyno but id hurt more n more everyday n i broke n now im on effexor n im gunna try theraphy i was also afraid of gettin my baby taken away thats why it took me so long to open my mouth but i realised the longer i let it go the worse it'll be and i don't wanna deal with it anymore for a few days now ive been okay n thats the problem i have is i dwell i have post traumatic stress disorder b4 i was even pregnant bc of my family n now its worse along with stress my chest gets rlly tight n i get pinching in it , i get sick feeling where my sternum is i dont have an appetite its postpartum ocd ....

n it started in the hospital when they took him bk to the nursery at night so i can sleep as they rolled him outa the room tears rolled down my face i got the feeling of i'd never see him again like someone was ripping my heart out n i started gettin aggresive as more n more ppl came to visit me bc i wanted alone time with him n ppl wouldnt go away...

i didnt wanna share him, he's my first n i adore him... i had those horrible thoughts but then i kept thinkin what i read online its your brain trying to trick you n i just kept blowin it off..

by on Oct. 13, 2012 at 2:50 AM
Have you told your doctor about the urges to hurt him??
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