will i ever forgive myself!?

[angel_peanut]

Just over 2 years ago my nephew took his life. Before doing so he called a few select people to say goodbye and that he loved them. I was one of the few. He told me he was sorry and that he loved me.. I was in such shock I didn't say I love you to. He gave me the chance to say it one last time and I didn't. I regret this so much it kills me everyday knowing there's nothing I can do to change the way I handled the call. He did live for 6 hrs which I sat by his bed side the whole time telling him how much I love him but ill never know if he could hear me :(

[angel_peanut]

My dad says he heard God tell him that he was forgiven and is at peace. After speaking to a pastor I believe this to be true. My dad was so blessed to receive that message. I left his bedside after 6 hours I was the last to leave (my dad convinced me it was time to go and be with my kids) 15 mins later he passed. For awhile I regretted leaving cause I always promised him I'd be there till the end. Now I more so think maybe he waited for everyone to leave before he passed on

[strngenough]

Sometimes guilt is a way for us to stay attached to the person and their memory. With guilt you are reminded of them often. Are you afraid if you let the guilt go that he would fade in your memory? Friend of mines son committed suicide. She Has found a piece to feel guilty about too. He wouldn't have made you one to put on his list to call if he didn't know how you felt. I think you know that. If you need guilt to remember him then hold on to it I guess, but I think your bond would be just as easily kept with loving memories too. The desicion to end your life is a very personal one and not meant to torture those left behind.

[rhodaj]

I'm sorry for your lost. In time you will to forgive yourself but it may always be hiddin in your memory. But you told him you loved him before he was gone. You need always remember that. Losing someone to suicide is very diffucult. I hope you are seeing a therapist that can help you move past this.

[angel_peanut]

I don't think the guilt is fear of loosing the memory I hold all our memories good and not so good close to my heart. I speak of him often and share our memories with people every chance I get. Sometimes I think that I can't let go of the guilt because of the finality of it all its just so definite. I was always the one to "fix " everything and there's nothing I can do to "fix " anything that happened that day.

[matreshka]

(((Hugs))) I lost my bff to suicide 3 years ago, our last communication was a fight over the ohone because he wouldn't go to the hospital and then I called the cops on him to put him in the hospital because I knew he was going to do it.  He did it anyway.

I haven't gotten over the guilt yet.

With you being by your nephews side in the hospital, I'm sure he or his spirit or whatever knew how much you love him.

[JansRainbow]

I am so sorry for your loss. My nephew took his life 19years ago at age 20. I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral I never got a chance to say good bye to him. This has been haunting me every since.I am sure he heard you and knew how much you loved him. Try writing a letter to him saying how much you loved him and you miss him. This was suggested to me by a therapist.Hold on to the good times you had. Nobody can take those away. Talk about him to family and friends. If they are not willing to try a grief support group or a therapist. It may help. Sending hugs.