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new here & just needing to vent or i guess vent to someone who knows what im feeling. will be long

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You are forewarned this will be long. But I just need to let it out.

I have suffered from depression before as a kid, when we lost our first child & only daughter died at age 1, when I was diagnosed with non Hodgkin's lymphoma, but through all of those things I somehow made it through. Mostly because I learned as a kid that shutting down emotionally and mentally then I can appear tough as nails. But this last year has been pure hell on earth and now that I am in counseling and learning how NOT to shut down I am just feeling awful.

Last year my then 3 year old son swallowed a flat watch battery. We did not know it was a battery when he first swallowed it all I knew is that he was 1) in pain and 2) couldn't swallow water. So as any normal concerned parent I took him to the ER. This first er took xrays and thought he swallowed a quarter. They were not able to work on children so they transferred us to their sister hospital across town that had a children's unit. Since my son wasn't in immediate danger (so we thought) and he was breathing normally they had their own transportation people take him to the children's er. First it took their transportation people 1hour to get there. Then because their transportation people were not a real ambulance we had to wait in rush hour traffic for almost an hour and a half. Finally we get to children's and he is scheduled for a scope surgery to remove the "quarter".
After an hour in surgery the surgeon comes out and tells us that it wasn't a quarter but actually a battery and it was eroding his esophagus. He then said words I will never forget but that I also can't believe he even said. He said " It looks like this battery has been in there for days, I've tried my hardest to get it out with the scope but its eroded too much and I will have to wait until first thing tomorrow morning when we are better staffed to go in and manually remove the battery. Which will be a 4-5 hour surgery. We are going to hope its done all the damage it will do" I flipped out! Hope its done all the damage it will do??!! You know its eroding his esophagus and you do nothing?! I called every person I could to try and get him moved to a different hospital who could do the surgery right away. To no avail we had to wait till the morning. I was also pissed he actually thought I would let my child suffer for days before bringing him in. I mean the kid ate 2 bowls of cereal for breakfast that morning and then 2 pb&j sandwiches, carrots and pears for lunch but then after going to a park couldn't swallow water. No way he could have eaten anything let alone pb&j with that in his throat.

So fast forward to the next morning, well more like early afternoon. He went in for his major 4-5hour surgery at 10:05am and was out at, ready for it...10:52am! Yep 47min! Now tell me why the hell couldn't they do this surgery at 9:30 the night before? No they wait almost 13 HOURS knowing that the battery was eroding his esophagus! Eroding so bad that it eroded out of the esophagus by 2 millimeters, which I found out if left too much longer could have hit blood vessels.
As if this wasn't bad enough, when they went to take him off the ventilator his right lung filled with fluid, collapsed then ruptured from the drs reviving him. He was placed back on a ventilator only now it was a high powered ventilator. The drs then told us that he would have to be moved to a better children's hospital and that we should be prepared because most likely he wouldn't get off this ventilator if by chance he did he would never be the same kid.

So now not only dealing with this we have to somehow prepare ourselves to loose another kid and how to tell our other son who is 4, and scared shitless not knowing what happened to his brother who hes never been away from for a day and its now been 3days,and who has been bounced from family to friends for 3 days, thar his brother might not come home and if he does he won't be the same.

Thankfully, very, very, VERY thankfully he did come off the ventilator, he is the same kid. Well ok not the same. He's even more ornery now. LOL. But this is the first part of our year long, over a year now, nightmare.

8 days after he swallowed the battery cps comes. Now our first investigator finds nothing wrong. But for some reason it gets passed off to the biggest dick of them all cps workers he comes and speaks with me, dh, my oldest son, the dumbass surgeon, and hospital staff. He then precedes to tell me in the hospital we are taking the kids, you did this to your son. You are sick and you need help. He then walks me back to my sons room, has me say goodbye and get my stuff and then escorts me out of the hospital. My dh could stay. But I had to go and my mom had to take our oldest because I couldn't even have him. So we get lawyers, go to court. Because of my past history of adhd, severe depression and bipolar diagnosis all as a young child, age 5 for adhd, 9 & 10 for the others. They want me to have a psych eval. Fine whatever doesn't bother me, I know I never hurt my kid. I have the evaluation, I'm no longer bipolar, she says it was more than likely misdiagnosed since I was so young, no more adhd and now have situation depression. No shit Sherlock my kids were taken from me. Now this Dr of theirs (cps) takes get this...7months! Yes 7months to finish her psych evaluation. Longest flipping evaluation I've heard of those typically take 6weeks not 7months! All the while my dh and I are doing stuff that we know cps will make us do, therapy, parenting classes, safety proofing our house, no drugs or dirty house so we didn't have to worry about those 2things. So during all of this we find out my psycho mother who had the kids for 4 mo then willingly said they were no longer allowed in her house and told the cps worker to put them in foster care. We found out that she told dfs that dh does pot, he hasn't in over 4 years same as me. When I had gotten pregnant with our oldest son we both stopped. She knew this. She also has done so much more that makes me realize she is toxic for us for my family.

So the boys are now in a foster home. Doing great. Their teachers, therapist, lawyer, foster parent all don't get why its been a year we are doing everything we are told and the boys even say we never hurt them but they're still not home. On a very good note our caseworker had her ass reamed for lying to the judge about a few things that actually hurt our case. And for not working with us at all to get them home. She has been against us from day one. I even admitted I was neglectful because I wasn't watching him close enough but that's not good enough for her. She wants, her exact words " a credible explanation as to how the battery got in his throat". I don't know you idiot he was 3! Kids put lots of things in their mouths.

So needless to say I'm beyond depressed. And since I'm in therapy I'm trying not to shut down. Which is very good. Shutting down is sortof what started this. But I don't know how to get out of being depressed. My therapist and I focus on mindfulness a lot and on CBT. But I'm really trying my hardest to come out of this depression with no medication unless its life or death.

To top it all off my dh and I have been fighting a lot and he's been very controlling and my friends say mentally abusive. I don't like to say it because he's my dh and I love him with all my heart. But yes he has been mentally and verbally abusive. Only in the last 7mo. He was never this way before.

So there it is. Well most of it, there is actually alot more my mom has done and I summed up what my dh and I are going through but you get the point my living nightmare, hell on earth. And it looks like it won't be until Jan 10th, our next court date, that the boys do start coming home.

If you made it this far I commend you cause it feels like I wrote a freaking book. Thank-you for taking the time to read this.
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:47 AM
Replies (11-15):
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:10 AM
Thank you all. There are so many things that go through my head that I know I shouldn't think of but I can't help but think of. I blame myself daily for this. I know it was just an accident but my mother's guilt never goes away. It doesn't help that the boys are going through so much. So much that they just don't understand and it is starting to take a toll on my little one. He had a super rough week and I just want so badly to pick him up hold him and tell him it will

we do have lawyers. 3 to be exact. I have one, my dh has a separate one and our boys have their own as well. All 3 are fighting to get them home.

And I know thar my dh and I are under a tremendous amount of stress and we are bound to fight. And honestly most of the stuff he says I try and let roll off my back. But other things are unforgettable and sting the most coming from him. I get that I have mother's guilt and the case worker and the DA blame me but to have him blame me and say I'm a bad mom hurts really badly.

My Mom, that hurts just as bad as my dh. I mean she had hurt me in the past and I forgave her and so desperately wanted a relationship with her. But now after this its not possible. I won't do it. Not unless she changes, which more than likely won't happen. So because she's done these things its almost as if I've lost her too. Which is really, really hard.

We do plan on suing. And our caseworker is already being investigated for what she has tried to do. Every person I know who has dealt with this system, I have a lot of friends who are foster parents, know of my caseworker and all know how bad she is. How she does this with a lot of her cases. Unfortunately for her she did it to the wrong person. I'm not a typical person who knows squat about cps. I know their rules. I know quite a few of the laws and I know how to catch her in her lies. So her normal reign of terror is biting her in the ass finally.

Look I've started another book LOL. Thank-you all. Even just writing this is helping me. Thank you.
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by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 5:14 AM
Thank you. My mother is a whole other story. I have definitely learned what not to be. I honestly don't know of any other grandmother who would do what she's done. I also don't know what mother would do what she's done. Thank you. It really helps.

Quoting NEISA50:

first of all let's put this in prayer which i will. I am so sorry that you are going through so much and to have the children taken away and not knowing when they are coming home it's hard. you are doing great and you have done all they have asked you to do so it is rediculous that the kids are not home yet. your mother must not have the love a grand parent has for their grand children, i have grandkids and i would never do that to anyone of them. as for your husband understandable that he misses them to and is going through something but it does not give him and excuse or a reason to treat you that way he should be supportive and work with you to get the kids back. he needs to be by your side and not make you more of a nervous wreck. lots of love and hugs to your my dear and if you need to vent again keep on writing no matter how long i will keep reading or you can message me if you need to talk . God bless you and you will get them back soon. i will pray.

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by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 12:12 PM

My heart sank as I read your story, friend. I agree with the other ladies here, that you are very strong to have endured through ALL that you have from your childhood up to now as a parent and wife. I'm so glad that you are reaching out now for support and seeing a counselor too. It sounds like it may be helping, but also so difficult to deal with all of the feelings that come up, especially when you are still experiencing so many challenges within your life and family. I don't know if your husband is willing to talk to a counselor, but I wanted to give you a free counseling helpline where he could call to speak with a licensed therapist. If he is interested, he can call 1-855-771-4357. It is from Focus on the Family, the place where I work and I know their counselors are very caring people. Just know I'm praying for you too, asking that you and your family will feel God's daily compassion in your lives. May He restore your family back together and heal your hearts and wounds. Many hugs to you!

by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 12:25 PM

I'm so sorry your going through all of this! It sounds like total BS. It really bothers me that they'll take the kids away for something like this, yet when the abuse and right in their faces, so to speak, they say they're hands are tied!!!

It does sound like your doing everything you can though. You have very good reasons for being depressed *hugs*

CafeMom Tickers
by on Nov. 21, 2012 at 2:29 PM

OMG!  I am so sorry for what you're going through!  Your family is in my prayers. :(

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