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Depression Support Center Depression Support Center

Sad and don't know how to handle this.

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:47 PM
  • 9 Replies
Hi my name is Susana. I'm 21 about to be 22 on December 25th. I am a mother to 2 kids. My son Adam is 8months and my daughter Melody would be 2 years old on April 16.

When I was 20 I got pregnant to my daughter melody. I was always the type to never want kids. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't believe it till I heard her first heart beat. Then I was excited and happy. I couldn't wait to see my baby girl. I got her a bunch of clothes. Got books on pregnancy and just learned all I could about being pregnant and babies. But at 36 weeks I went to hmu my ultrasound appointment. There they told me my daughter was dead. I was crushed. I felt like the world had stopped. I didn't wanna cry and I didn't want to talk about it. I was in shock and in disbelief. I didn't get why or what I had done to cause this. The next day they induced me. Once the contractions started It started to slowly hit me. I'm going to go threw all this pain to have a dead baby. I started to yell saying I didn't want to do this anymore. They gave me morphine to make the pain stop. I felt so out of it. I would just sleep and then wake up and not really know what was going on. Then they gave me a epidural. Whithin 5min of that I felt like I had to push. They told me I had to wait for my doctor to come in and I was screaming and yelling my head off. He came I pushed her out like nothing. They took pictures of her in an outfit I picked out. I cried when I saw her. But I didn't hold her. A part of me wanted to but a part of me didn't. My mom held her. Then they took her away. When I went home I acted as if nothing happened. I didn't wanna cry or be sad because I felt like if I did then that was me saying I'm ok with her being gone. I'm not ok with it. I'm angry sad and confused. How is it that people can drink and do drugs during their whole pregnancy and have their baby be born fine but I did everything I was suppose to to have a healthy pregnancy and my baby dies. I still feel like that to this day. I still can't bring myself to really talk about it and let it out. I feel alone and like no one understands. When I got pregnant to my son Adam I didnt connect to him as much as I did with my daughter. Because I thought the same thing is going to just happen again. But it didn't. I have a healthy happy baby. But I still can't cone to terms with what happened. I still can't deal with it and face it. I just push my feelings away and act like nothing happened. But I'm starting to feel guilty about it and its eating away at me. I don't know what to do.
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by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 3:47 PM
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Replies (1-9):
leahbeah143
by Leah on Nov. 19, 2012 at 4:13 PM
1 mom liked this

 hugs! have you tried any type of grief counseling?

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:09 PM
1 mom liked this

 i think you need to see a therapist for grief counseling.

tiny_mamma
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:33 PM
Nope I haven't. I don't really know how to go about finding one and everything. Plus that cost $$ and I use what ever money I get for my Munchkin.
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PandorasWorld
by on Nov. 19, 2012 at 6:44 PM

yea grief counseling will help, if you have medicaid there is a whole list of counselors. or just look on the net and find some in your area.

tiny_mamma
by on Nov. 20, 2012 at 9:02 AM
Ask ur husband for help
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matreshka
by Ruby Member on Nov. 20, 2012 at 9:32 AM

There are many free grief support groups.  Call your local hospital, NAMI, united way, ymca, mental health clinic to find some. and we are here too!

Quoting tiny_mamma:

Nope I haven't. I don't really know how to go about finding one and everything. Plus that cost $$ and I use what ever money I get for my Munchkin.



anotherandree
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 1:36 AM
While individual grief counseling would be ideal, there are many support groups available. Contact your local hospital to inquirer. I, for one, am glad that you are admitting that what you are doing isn't working and is stopping you from having the fullest experience with your son. But I could not even begin to understand the heartbreak of losing a baby. I am beyond sorry.
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lancet98
by Bronze Member on Nov. 22, 2012 at 7:09 AM

You need to be seeing a counselor and you need to be attending a support group.   You have depression.

After such a loss, your body is 'mixed up' and tries to go on as if the baby was not lost.   It truly does not know how to react.   This can be a huge factor in creating depression.   Hormones 'crash' and this does affect one's thinking and mood.

The feelings about your little one who you lost, those are normal.    The trouble is the intensity of those feelings staying for a long time and interfering with enjoying your son.

Since your little boy went to term, it's doubtful that 'something you did' was the reason the little girl not going to term.  It sounds like you did everything right - you took care of yourself and ate right.  We are not expected to be superhuman and prevent things that are beyond all medical knowledge that exists.

Many pregnancies don't go to term - some studies I read say 25%, others say much higher (I think the higher number includes all conceptions).  Some information from a pregnancy or grief expert might help.  

That makes being an expectant mother a very, very tough job.   That is one out of four pregnancies that on average, aren't going to make it.  It takes a lot of courage and bravery to face those risks, and basically all we can do is eat right, exercise, get the prenatal care that we need, and simply hope.   And if it doesn't work out, try again.  A lot of it just is not within our power to control.  

That can be a very painful realization for some, that some of this just is not up to us.   The guilt we may feel, the sadness, the depression, we have to learn how to push it away - whatever that takes - exercise, good food, positive self talk, medication, whatever works.   I believe with all my heart that a mother's job is the toughest job there is, and that doesn't start with the birth of the little one, but many months before. 

Keep in mind that what you did, to try again, takes a great deal of courage.   An inability to enjoy your success is a sad thing.   But it might be a natural reaction to the uncertainty.   It's as if our moods and thoughts 'hold back', afraid to get attached in case something goes wrong again.   That can linger and lead to depression.

JansRainbow
by on Nov. 22, 2012 at 10:37 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I think therapy will help. If you don't have the money or insurance, check with your local Mental Health place. There are also counselors that go by your income There are also pastoral counselors. A grief support group would help too. They are some for people who have lost their children. Check with your doctor for a referral. Or call the local hospital, they may have a support group or can refer you to one. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Take care. Sending hugs.

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