Sad and don't know how to handle this.
When I was 20 I got pregnant to my daughter melody. I was always the type to never want kids. When I found out I was pregnant I didn't believe it till I heard her first heart beat. Then I was excited and happy. I couldn't wait to see my baby girl. I got her a bunch of clothes. Got books on pregnancy and just learned all I could about being pregnant and babies. But at 36 weeks I went to hmu my ultrasound appointment. There they told me my daughter was dead. I was crushed. I felt like the world had stopped. I didn't wanna cry and I didn't want to talk about it. I was in shock and in disbelief. I didn't get why or what I had done to cause this. The next day they induced me. Once the contractions started It started to slowly hit me. I'm going to go threw all this pain to have a dead baby. I started to yell saying I didn't want to do this anymore. They gave me morphine to make the pain stop. I felt so out of it. I would just sleep and then wake up and not really know what was going on. Then they gave me a epidural. Whithin 5min of that I felt like I had to push. They told me I had to wait for my doctor to come in and I was screaming and yelling my head off. He came I pushed her out like nothing. They took pictures of her in an outfit I picked out. I cried when I saw her. But I didn't hold her. A part of me wanted to but a part of me didn't. My mom held her. Then they took her away. When I went home I acted as if nothing happened. I didn't wanna cry or be sad because I felt like if I did then that was me saying I'm ok with her being gone. I'm not ok with it. I'm angry sad and confused. How is it that people can drink and do drugs during their whole pregnancy and have their baby be born fine but I did everything I was suppose to to have a healthy pregnancy and my baby dies. I still feel like that to this day. I still can't bring myself to really talk about it and let it out. I feel alone and like no one understands. When I got pregnant to my son Adam I didnt connect to him as much as I did with my daughter. Because I thought the same thing is going to just happen again. But it didn't. I have a healthy happy baby. But I still can't cone to terms with what happened. I still can't deal with it and face it. I just push my feelings away and act like nothing happened. But I'm starting to feel guilty about it and its eating away at me. I don't know what to do.