Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Feeling very conflicted.

Posted by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:27 PM
  • 9 Replies
I'm feeling very conflicted about my oldest dd. Part of me feels I being materialistic heartless mom and the other part doesn't feel that way. My oldest dd is 19.5, she moved out of state to get to know biodad this past January. Earlier this year, she was in a bad car accident, so dh, our 2 dds at home, and I all went out to be with her. Dh and I took what we had saved for our youngest's birthday, plus bill money to be out there for her through her surgery and hospital stay. We did this without second though, shes our daughter. Of course, our youngest didn't get the birthday she'd been wanting for 2 yrs and we had a hard time playing catch up with bills. But being there for her was our priority. Dh had been laid off from his job with the company he'd been with for 11 yrs the month before, he'd found 2 part time jobs the same day, but we definitely had a huge decrease in monthly income. So, things have been extremely tight since. Well, the week of Thanksgiving, dd calls hysterical. Her bd had passed away, still not sure if it was diabetes related, she had no one to help her. So we went out again. Took bill money, what we had for Christmas, plus selling a few items to make the trip. We talked to her about coming home since she has no friends there, no close family, and had just broken up with bf. She didn't want to. Now we were right back in a financial mess, which again we don't mind dealing with because again being there for dd was a priority to us. Then Friday she calls, asks dh if we can come out to get her, she wants to cone home. Again we want to do this, dh is all set to take all the Christmas money wece scrounged and bill money to drive out to get her. I on the other hand am not feeling so quick about it. Since she was 16, she was our rebellious child. Her sisters have gone without what they really wanted for Christmas, birthdays, etc because she has stolen numerous times from us and ended up in legal trouble that cost several thousands in fines. Since 18 she has been in and out of the house. She moves home then decides our rules suck and moves out a month later. Now, I'd love to have dd hone. I'd love to have Christmas with all my girls in the house. But I don't think its right to keep taking from the other 2. I hesitate because she has said she doesn't want to move back to our state and town. She's made it clear that if her ex bf and her can work things out shell move back to him. So I have a huge problem putting out money for this, for taking Christmas away from her sisters, for once again playing catch up on bills when she's being a bit flaky. I don't mean that the girls will get very little, I mean they'll get nothing. We already can't afford a tree or any of that stuff. Our rents only half paid for, etc. I feel I'm being awful, that money should never come before children, but I can't help feeling like we keep giving to her and taking from the younger two. I'm really praying for a Christmas miracle. I'm really praying to find the right solution. I know I'm awful for feeling this way. I just can't help but think, we were just there. Ready and willing to help, now yet again she wants us to bend over backwards for her without any regards to how it effects the whole family. Sorry I'm scattered. Just really needed to vent. Dh thinks I'm being too materialistic, part of me knows I am, but I can't seem to get past how I'm feeling.
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:27 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-9):
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 9:58 PM
You know your child best. My sister played games like this going from parent to parent and always getting bailed out. She never learned to stand on her own. At 30, living with her two kids at her birth father's (she didn't know about him until she was 16) house, she had lost ANOTHER job and decided moving her kids to nc to live with a seperated guy 18 yrs older than her was a good idea. She's never learned consiquenses and feels the world revolves around her. Probably because it seems to.

I think it's great that you are keeping your other kids happiness in mind.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:12 PM

Would it be cheaper to just send her a bus ticket?

CafeMom Tickers
by Silver Member on Dec. 11, 2012 at 11:28 PM
By far, she just has too much stuff and doesn't want to leave any of it. But she just called a little bit ago and is now thinking she's probably going to stay. I'm starting to really feel like I'm on a yo-yo.

Quoting mrsvixen:

Would it be cheaper to just send her a bus ticket?

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 3:12 AM
1 mom liked this

I think you are being a good mom. You are thinking of everyone's feelings. You have more than one child and they need you too. You have been supportive to your dd and continue to be. You have to be there for all of your kids. Sorry you are going through this. It is hard as a mom to be pulled in so many directions. No matter what decision you make you will most likely feel guilty. You can only do so much. Good luck.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:03 AM

Why not buy her a ticket home? instead of taking all that extra money for the number of tickets it would cost to get all of you out there...

by Group Admin on Dec. 12, 2012 at 7:08 AM

 i think you should explain to her that you dont have the money to come and get her. it sounds like you have bailed her out several times and shes not being respectful of you. you might have to try some tough loves. explain to her that she will have to wait until after christmas and you get the money to do it but that this is the last time. there has to be a cut off point somewhere.

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 9:16 AM
1 mom liked this

I think she is old enough to understand what her actions do to everyone else. At 19 years old, she has to start growing up and making big girl decisions.  Can she work after her accident?  She may need some "tough love." after college i went wild and that's what my parents did to me. I hated them for it at the time but now I realize it was their only option for dealing with me and they did it out of love and wanting to see me grow up and be independent.

by Silver Member on Dec. 12, 2012 at 2:00 PM

 I think the other two deserve the same as their sister. They deserve to be first for a change. Why keep spending bill and rent money if you know she is not going to stay. 

by on Dec. 12, 2012 at 6:22 PM

It sounds like it is time for some tough love.  I love the idea of the bus ticket and if she has too much stuff, then tough.  She will need to either sell it, give it away, or find some way to get it to where she is going on her own.  I completely agree with going out there when she was badly hurt.  But after that, I believe (IMO) that what you are doing is enabling her to continue to live the lifestyle she wants under HER own terms and conditions.  She is an adult now, and while she is still your child, she needs to learn consequences.

Hugs to you!  You are in ONE TIGHT SPOT!!

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

close Cafemom Join now to connect to other members! Connect with Facebook or Sign Up Using Email

Already Joined? LOG IN