Sometimes I think about killing myself. Not because I am overly depressed, although that is where the idea originally came from. No, it is because we could really use the money from the life insurance policy. Yes, I have researched it and because we have had the policy for more than 2 years, it would cover my suicide. It's funny because I am not what you would call "suicidal" because I do not feel helpless, hopeless, or angry. Stuck is the word I would use. Stuck in that I am not sure how to find my purpose in this world. I have many descriptors in WHO I am (wife, mother, compassionate, dog lover, avid reader, and such) but I am finding it more and more difficult to come up with WHAT am I.
Without me, my husband could pay ALL our bills and even be able to have a nice down payment for a house. I am not saying that my plan is flawless because the kids would not understand. Right now, our financial situation is limiting them, but that would free them to do the things they want to (like play soccer, buy yearbooks, or go to birthday parties). I know that my husband, kids, and even the dog would miss me and certainly not understand why I would do such a thing.
Will I do it? Probably not. Is it something that I think about? Yes. Actually the idea gives me peace because it is like I always have a plan B. No matter what.