Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Intervention... (UPDATE)

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 11 Replies

I'm so upset. I tried to do the right thing. For over a year, my dad has been telling me these awful things that go on in his home with his future stepson. It's such a mess. Well, the stepson made murder/suicide threats a few nights ago and got arrested. It scared me so much because I had to find out about it through the city's facebook page. He's been arrested 5 times now since he's been there and things just keep getting worse. When I tried to tell my dad how I felt, he failed to mention to me that I was on speaker phone with his fiance and her son standing right next to him. And yet again, he says, "Hey don't tell your mom or anyone about this."

Well you know what? It dawned on me that he as a parent should be confiding in his fiance, NOT his daughter. What kind of father dumps a load of scary information on his child and then tells her not to tell anyone?! I had it. The second I found out that he let my SB move back in after being released from jail, I lost it. I called his sister, my sister, and cousin, who he's been lying to this whole time. Then I caught myself saying, "Don't tell him I called you..." and realised I was doing the exact same thing that he was doing to me. So I wrote him a letter this morning and told him that I let everyone know what has been going on. I wrote it and rewrote it several times until it sounded reasonable enough.

The next thing I know, he's calling me and yelling at me for upsetting his sister and saying how wrong I was for saying something. I told him I wasn't wrong, but that I did what needed to be done, and he hung up. So I texted him. I have a hard time standing up to my dad, and writing is just easier since I can take the time to think about what I'll say. I told him how I was amazed that he's so concerned about how this news is affecting his sister, yet he has no worries about what it's been doing to his own daughter. Was I wrong?

 

UPDATE: I still haven't spoken with my dad. I'm too hurt by everything he's done and said, and I don't want to hear anymore from him. SB called me and went on this rant about how everyone hates him and how he can't survive on his own because he's got a broken leg (the whole reason he's been living there) and now his life is over because they are kicking him out. Then SM texts me and tells me to quit talking to him. You know, I don't really care anymore. I'm done. They can be mad at me all they want, but I did what needed to be done. I honestly haven't felt happier since I quit talking to my dad. I wish I could tell him how much he's hurt me, but I need to wait until all of this with SB blows over.

Posted by Anonymous on Feb. 3, 2013 at 4:51 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
daysfan2004
by Member on Feb. 3, 2013 at 7:06 PM

hugsI cant imagine having to deal with this situation. I would be a wreck. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully your dad will realize that you just care about him and want him to be okay.  

ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Feb. 3, 2013 at 7:12 PM
I think the letter is perfect. When it comes to certain people and/or certain subjects, I totally prefer writing a letter, not only is it easier since its not face to face, but its just so much easier to put my thoughts and feelings into exactly the right words. It is very sad that youre even in this situation, its now like youre the parent and your dad is the child. You shouldnt even be in this position, and he shouldnt tell you this kind of info and then tell you not to tell your mom, or anybody else. Hes placing a huge burden on your shoulders by doing so. And you are totally right in protecting yourself and your child by not going to your dads house while SB lives there. Hopefully this will make your dad open his eyes and change his ways before its too late. I deal with something kinda similar with my own 30 yr old bro and my parents.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 3, 2013 at 7:15 PM

 

I honestly feel like I've already lost my dad.

Quoting daysfan2004:

hugsI cant imagine having to deal with this situation. I would be a wreck. I think you did the right thing. Hopefully your dad will realize that you just care about him and want him to be okay.  


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 3, 2013 at 7:25 PM

 

I hate it so much. He gets so stressed out and then takes everything out on me like I'm this big disappointment. Not once has he stepped inside my home in the year that I've been here. He helped us get a truck, and then held it over our heads. Despite paying it off, he's still constantly reminding us of what he has done and still says it's his truck. I try so hard to please him and make him proud of me, but no matter what I can't do anything right. All of this started as soon as he started dating his fiance. There was a time that he used to tell me to just move home with him to get on our feet, and that if his ex had a problem with it she could hit the road. As soon as he started dating this new woman, I found myself unexpectedly homeless and asked if I could stay there for a week until our lease starts up. He said to go get a motel. I've accomplished so much, and yet this guy moves into my old bedroom and does everything wrong he can think of and Dad just let's him. Yet I'm the one who can't do anything right. I just want to cut all ties. I'm so tired of dealing with this and trying to make him proud of me. I don't understand what's happening to him.

Quoting ashleighmama:

I think the letter is perfect. When it comes to certain people and/or certain subjects, I totally prefer writing a letter, not only is it easier since its not face to face, but its just so much easier to put my thoughts and feelings into exactly the right words. It is very sad that youre even in this situation, its now like youre the parent and your dad is the child. You shouldnt even be in this position, and he shouldnt tell you this kind of info and then tell you not to tell your mom, or anybody else. Hes placing a huge burden on your shoulders by doing so. And you are totally right in protecting yourself and your child by not going to your dads house while SB lives there. Hopefully this will make your dad open his eyes and change his ways before its too late. I deal with something kinda similar with my own 30 yr old bro and my parents.


 

leahbeah143
by Leah on Feb. 3, 2013 at 10:05 PM

 wow, I'm so sorry you're having to deal with all that! Shouldn't the kids mom be handling him? I think you have every right to be upset by your dad's actions. Does your dad say why they keep allowing him to come back there?

ashleighmama
by Ashleigh on Feb. 3, 2013 at 11:05 PM

 Oh wow, this explains your feelings even more, wow.I can see how that would hurt, your SB being accepted back in his home every time, but he treats his own daughter this way? I'm definitely not telling you to cut ties with your dad, I could never do it mine, I don't have any reason to, but even if I did, I still don't know if I could actually do it. It DOES sound like your kinda reanalyzing the whole situation, by letting him know your true feelings and by refusing to keep it all a secret and by telling him you will not go over there as long as SB is living there.  If he doesn't change his ways, or come to see you and his own grandchild, Idk, I'd have to wonder if even having a relationship with him is worth the pain it's causing you, ya know? The feelings you may have if he doesn't open his eyes and change things may become really toxic for you. I've never understood how a parent could choose their new spouse and children, or maybe not choose per say, but treat them better than his own children. I just don't get it. I'm really sorry mama. :( I'm very interested in his response to this letter, will you keep us updated? Hugs to you mama!im sorry

Quoting Anonymous:

 

I hate it so much. He gets so stressed out and then takes everything out on me like I'm this big disappointment. Not once has he stepped inside my home in the year that I've been here. He helped us get a truck, and then held it over our heads. Despite paying it off, he's still constantly reminding us of what he has done and still says it's his truck. I try so hard to please him and make him proud of me, but no matter what I can't do anything right. All of this started as soon as he started dating his fiance. There was a time that he used to tell me to just move home with him to get on our feet, and that if his ex had a problem with it she could hit the road. As soon as he started dating this new woman, I found myself unexpectedly homeless and asked if I could stay there for a week until our lease starts up. He said to go get a motel. I've accomplished so much, and yet this guy moves into my old bedroom and does everything wrong he can think of and Dad just let's him. Yet I'm the one who can't do anything right. I just want to cut all ties. I'm so tired of dealing with this and trying to make him proud of me. I don't understand what's happening to him.

Quoting ashleighmama:

I think the letter is perfect. When it comes to certain people and/or certain subjects, I totally prefer writing a letter, not only is it easier since its not face to face, but its just so much easier to put my thoughts and feelings into exactly the right words. It is very sad that youre even in this situation, its now like youre the parent and your dad is the child. You shouldnt even be in this position, and he shouldnt tell you this kind of info and then tell you not to tell your mom, or anybody else. Hes placing a huge burden on your shoulders by doing so. And you are totally right in protecting yourself and your child by not going to your dads house while SB lives there. Hopefully this will make your dad open his eyes and change his ways before its too late. I deal with something kinda similar with my own 30 yr old bro and my parents.

 

 

 

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2013 at 6:22 AM

 i think the letter you wrote him is really good. i hope he will listen. i dont blame you for not taking yourself or your kids there anymore. yes, he is enabling this person and he needs to put him out. he has to make up his own mind to do it though. is there some pressure from someone for him to keep taking him back because it is cleary not safe on his part.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:32 AM

 He's in denial. He said he doesn't see what the big deal is. I haven't talked to him anymore personally, because I'm not going to sit here and listen to him put me down. My Aunt went off on him when he started saying how mad he was with me, and she redirected the problem to SB. He told my sister that he's looking into filing a 30 day eviction notice, but I've heard all of this before and will believe it when he's gone. I'm not answering his calls right now because I really just don't know what to say anymore.


Quoting lyrick24:

 i think the letter you wrote him is really good. i hope he will listen. i dont blame you for not taking yourself or your kids there anymore. yes, he is enabling this person and he needs to put him out. he has to make up his own mind to do it though. is there some pressure from someone for him to keep taking him back because it is cleary not safe on his part.


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 4, 2013 at 8:37 AM

 

Thank you so much. I'm feeling so much better today. Getting ecerything out in the open has lifted a hugr burden off of my shoulders. I talked with everyone yesterday, and they are all standing behind me 100%. From what I've heard, he's in denial. He said he doesn't see what the big deal is. I haven't talked to him anymore personally, because I'm not going to sit here and listen to him put me down. My Aunt went off on him when he started saying how mad he was with me, and she redirected the problem to SB. He told my sister that he's looking into filing a 30 day eviction notice, but I've heard all of this before and will believe it when he's gone. I'm not answering his calls right now because I really just don't know what to say anymore.

Quoting ashleighmama:

 Oh wow, this explains your feelings even more, wow.I can see how that would hurt, your SB being accepted back in his home every time, but he treats his own daughter this way? I'm definitely not telling you to cut ties with your dad, I could never do it mine, I don't have any reason to, but even if I did, I still don't know if I could actually do it. It DOES sound like your kinda reanalyzing the whole situation, by letting him know your true feelings and by refusing to keep it all a secret and by telling him you will not go over there as long as SB is living there.  If he doesn't change his ways, or come to see you and his own grandchild, Idk, I'd have to wonder if even having a relationship with him is worth the pain it's causing you, ya know? The feelings you may have if he doesn't open his eyes and change things may become really toxic for you. I've never understood how a parent could choose their new spouse and children, or maybe not choose per say, but treat them better than his own children. I just don't get it. I'm really sorry mama. :( I'm very interested in his response to this letter, will you keep us updated? Hugs to you mama!im sorry

Quoting Anonymous:

 

I hate it so much. He gets so stressed out and then takes everything out on me like I'm this big disappointment. Not once has he stepped inside my home in the year that I've been here. He helped us get a truck, and then held it over our heads. Despite paying it off, he's still constantly reminding us of what he has done and still says it's his truck. I try so hard to please him and make him proud of me, but no matter what I can't do anything right. All of this started as soon as he started dating his fiance. There was a time that he used to tell me to just move home with him to get on our feet, and that if his ex had a problem with it she could hit the road. As soon as he started dating this new woman, I found myself unexpectedly homeless and asked if I could stay there for a week until our lease starts up. He said to go get a motel. I've accomplished so much, and yet this guy moves into my old bedroom and does everything wrong he can think of and Dad just let's him. Yet I'm the one who can't do anything right. I just want to cut all ties. I'm so tired of dealing with this and trying to make him proud of me. I don't understand what's happening to him.

Quoting ashleighmama:

I think the letter is perfect. When it comes to certain people and/or certain subjects, I totally prefer writing a letter, not only is it easier since its not face to face, but its just so much easier to put my thoughts and feelings into exactly the right words. It is very sad that youre even in this situation, its now like youre the parent and your dad is the child. You shouldnt even be in this position, and he shouldnt tell you this kind of info and then tell you not to tell your mom, or anybody else. Hes placing a huge burden on your shoulders by doing so. And you are totally right in protecting yourself and your child by not going to your dads house while SB lives there. Hopefully this will make your dad open his eyes and change his ways before its too late. I deal with something kinda similar with my own 30 yr old bro and my parents.

 

 

 


 

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:54 AM

UPDATE: I still haven't spoken with my dad. I'm too hurt by everything he's done and said, and I don't want to hear anymore from him. SB called me and went on this rant about how everyone hates him and how he can't survive on his own because he's got a broken leg (the whole reason he's been living there) and now his life is over because they are kicking him out. Then SM texts me and tells me to quit talking to him. You know, I don't really care anymore. I'm done. They can be mad at me all I want, but I did what needed to be done. I honestly haven't felt happier since I quit talking to my dad. I wish I could tell him how much he's hurt me, but I need to wait until all of this with SB blows over.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)