New to group. Trying to handle deep depression and struggling to stay afloat.
I have struggled with depression since I was 12. I am 26 now and my depression is at an all time low. I considered suicide on Thursday, but reached out when the thought wouldn't go away. I had an emergency counseling session that night and it helped b/c she reminded me that I have two babies at home to care for. However, it is a struggle every single day to not give into the anger and anxiety I have.
I have had so many issues in the past and present that affect me. Right now, I am struggling with my husband pretty much just existing and me supporting him and our girls. I can barely support us and so we had to move in with his family for the 2nd time. As if financial and marital problems weren't enough, I have to deal with his family which is from another culture. I also have issues from my side of the family. I have a sister who we mutually leave each other alone. My brother has his own life and really doesn't want much to do with anyone and lives across the country. My mother has prescription pill issues and alcohol issues. Then the one person I could go to is dead, my dad. He died in 2004 from an inherited disease. I pretty much have no one. I have problems making friends. It is like I can make them and then push them away b/c I don't want anyone too close to me.
I pretty much have hate for myself and am having a hard time trying to find anything to love about myself. I don't overeat, but I eat all the wrong things for comfort. I am obese, by my own doing and it kind of crept up on me. I need to get the weight off and then maybe I will start to love myself, but I have no motivation. My two girls should be enough motivation, but I don't know what is wrong with me. I didn't start gaining all this weight until I met my husband. I was always a little chunky, but when my dad died in 2004 and I met my husband, it just ballooned out. I hate myself for getting this big. Its unhealthy and I don't feed my girls like this, they are 9 months and 2 years old.
Then there is my marriage. My husband just seems like I am a burden on him. It has always felt like this. We might have a good month or two and then things fall back into the same cycle. He is ALWAYS hooked on some game, but swears it isn't because of me. Then he will sleep if not on a game. In fact, he has been in bed ALL day.
I'm going to stop here, because there is just too much for one post. I even feel like all of this is petty because so many others are going through worse, but I need to get it off my chest.
Thank you for reading and if any responses, but I really needed to just get this down and out my head tonight.