I feel like im never going to get through this!
Im new to the group so ill give a background of why i am in this group. - going to be very long sorry
I was with my babies father for 6 & 1/2 years, we brought a house together in 2009 in 2010 we got engaged everything was perfect! This was the man of my dreams we had our own home were getting married we had decided previously it didnt matter if we were married or not we wanted a family regardless and we were never in a rush to get married, after 19 months trrying to conceive i finally got the 2 lines we were waiting for! we were thrilled to find out we were expecting a girl, it wasnt an easy pregnancy i had very high blood pressure during my pregnancy i had kidney infections at 25 weeks which i almost had to have my baby early because it was causing stress on her but it settled down. at 33 i was put into hospital given steroids and told to prepare myself because she was going to be born early but my blood pressure settled they wanted to monitor my preclampsia so every 2 days i went in for ultrasounds and monitoring finally at 37 weeks they decided to deliver so on April 6th 2012 my daughter came into the world at 5 pound 8oz, it almost resulted in a c section as she went no stress her heartrate was at 140 and plumeted down to 68 as they prepped for c section i gave one more push and out she came, everything was so perfect we stayed in hospital for 5 days because i couldnt breastfeed i had flat nipples and i had to pump and top up with formula so she didnt loose weight, her dad was amazing he got her bottles held her so i could rest brought me food and drinks, i was the happiest mum on earth! when we got home everything was great he would let me go to bed early and stay up watching the baby at about 6 weeks old i noticed a change in him, he was coming to bed late, always on his ipod touch and almost finding any excuse not to come to bed and when he did he would wait till i was asleep then play on his ipod, so one night i stayed awake until he went to sleep i found chats to people on programs called ijoyou which is a Chinese dating program and wechat which is a Chinese chat program (we are not chinese we live in New zealand) they were chats between different people as though in relationships, i confronted him and he was so "sorry" he brought me flowers and promised it would never happen again of course i forgave him but i didnt stop worrying when she was 9 weeks old we went away for a pre planned family holiday which had been planned since i was about 30 weeks pregnant we had an awesome time together we stayed with family when we got back which was in another town it was the first time meeting my daughter, while there he continued to talk to these people i found out about a week after we got home he kept telling me he would stop and i kept finding more and more things to proove he was, emails, txts you name it i found it i was destroyed, how can someone who has a beautiful family do that? in october i was at wits end so i left to stay with family for 2 weeks with our daughter hoping things would change when i got back they didnt and in november i left again this time i wasnt sure i was coming back i told him i wasnt but i wanted to see if he even wanted us, while there he showed almost no sign of me wanting to return other that come home txts which to me basicly ment nothing come how? whats the reason? are you going to change? are you going to stop? then i recieved court papers, court ordering my daughter back to the city where we lived i saw a lawyer the day after i got back giving him proof that kris knew i was leaving and i had "abducted" our daughter he asked if id like to apply for relocation at the time i said no because kris told me he wanted to work things out, before i left i counted how many condoms were in a draw so i knew wheni got back how many there would be, and the box was gone he claimed he threw it out, i never believed him but got on with it, he continued to tell me he wanted to be with me but wanted me to move out so we could work on thingsi moved out a week after being court ordered home, we celebrated my birthday on dec 6 and that night i asked him to stay he said no dropped me home and took off he also did it the following night, thinking he was up to no good i walked across town as i dont have a car and discovered used condoms in the rubbish bin, that was rock bottom! i called him on the phone and yelled and screamed and he called the police because he thought i was going to harm myself. the next day i returned to our home to collect the rest of my belongings he wasnt home at the time btu for some reason called my cellphone he was out running with his sister i told him i was collecting my things next minute his mother showed up mentally harrasing me basicly laughing in my face that her son was cheating and calling me a liar about everything thats happened saying i was abbusive and "bashing" him if you asked anyone who knew me they would say i would NEVER hit him no matter how angry i am people laugh when i tell them she accused me of it, i got some stuff no all because of how she was being towards me i even had to call the police for the first time in my life! after that i applied through my lawyer for relocation it can take 6-8 months to go to court, im seeing a councelor but i just cant stop thinking about him, i worry hes with something all the time, i want nothing more than to be with him, whats worse is we both decided before this happened February was going to be TTC #2 since it took so long with our daughter so this mont so far has been very emotional, i dont even want to go out of the house because im scared to see pregnant women, he tells me he wants to be with me then the next day ignores me it drives me crazy i feel like i am never going to get through this, i tried seeing someone else but i got scared told him i cant see him and have ignored him since but the feelings just werent there i still have 100% feelings for kris and i know i shouldnt everyone tells me to walk away but its just impossible! i hate him so much but i love him too and he still talks to the people on the phone all the time i dont know if hes seeing someone currently he will tell you no but then thats what he said with the condom he told me he used iton himself until i told his mum and then he admitted it, i cant do anything i used to do i have no concentration no family in this town i am alone everyone of my family live 3 hour plane ride from here. i feel like counceling is a waste of time and im getting nowhere, i just wish everything was different! how can i ever get through this? everything i went through on my labour and breastfeeding not being able to latch (shes breastfed since 12 days old fine no formula since) i never got ppd the depression only kicked in once i found out he was sleeping around
i feel like ill never get through this :(
theres probably alot ive missed in that. its 130am here im so tired so excuse the spelling and grammar