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Depression Support Center Depression Support Center

Her problems are becoming my problems and effecting me ***Update****

Posted by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 10:37 AM
  • 14 Replies

 I know this isn't the right group, but I feel this might be the most supportive and informed group.

Here's the story: My best friend is engaged to an alcoholic. :(  He keeps cheating on her, threatening to kill himself, mentally abuses her when he drinks. He drinks everyday. The biggest bottle of Crown is gone in 3 days. He has done nothing but bring her down for years. He wont do anything she asks of him. She has been waiting since 2011 ( before he started really drinking hard) for him to ask her father for her hand and he has/will not do it. So no one in her family knows they are engaged.  She is ALWAYS calling me. venting, crying, needing advice and support. I give all the resources I have for her. She never takes my advice. She plays it off. She enables him. Just yesterday she called crying about his addiction. I emailed her every link I could find for rehabs, out patent centers, AA meetings, counselors, I could find for the city. I sent her website links to have a interventions and many other things. Today..she says everything is ok and she forgives him. She told me straight up, he is HER drug.

 

I HAVE CRIED AND CRIED OVER IT. She is my best friend for over 20 years, her pain has become my pain. I think about it daily. I get soodrained  after talking to her about it. I know nothing I have said has been taken it. It's making me depressed. All I want is for HER to be happy and she's not.  I want to take a break from her but she quilt trips me by saying how she has no one else to support her. So I keep listening and continue to be drained by her. IDK what to do anymore. I cant support their relationship.  How do I step back without loosing the friendship?

 

*Update*

 So she called this morning. I didn't answer because I had just woken up and just wasn't in the mental state to want to talk to her. She left a voicemail that I listened too a few hours later.  She said "everything is OK now, that she had a great night sleep last night, I dont think he will do rehab or out patent treatments....bla bla bla". I didnt even finish the 3 minute long message.  So instead of getting mad and crying again, I just shut off. From here on out ladies I will no longer care. She made her choice. I yet again sent her every resource in the book, advice, support,  I've done all I can do for her. There's nothing left. I refuse to let it effect me like it has. Next time I do talk to her I'm going to tell her that I no longer want to hear about her relationship. I'm also going to inform her that I not longer plan to be in her wedding because I cant support their relationship and I wont put myself though that. That I love HER with all my heart, but I have to think about my own state of mind and emotions. Thanks for your advice and support ladies.

by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 10:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ghostcat90
by on Apr. 21, 2013 at 10:58 AM

*hugs* Honey, you can't help her if she won't help herself...the same with him.  What I have always found with abuse victims is the more we push them to get out of a relationship, the further into it they dive.  The methods I have taken with some of my friends is to be straight forward.  I tell them, "Listen, I don't support this, you are my friend and when you're ready to get out, I'll be waiting with open arms, but I can't stand by and watch you destroy yourself."  Or more bluntly put, "If you can't call me sober/happy/with good news, don't call me at all."  I've lost friends over it, but for a couple, it's been a real slap in the face that knocked them out of their downward spiral.  I dunno, I'm a bit of a bitch, when people's screwed up stuff starts affecting me, then I usually get kind of hostile.  Example, my best friend is an alcoholic, he likes to call/text me right around 10 PM...lately it's been getting later and later, so I called him out on it.  I was like 'I know you have sleep issues, I do not, consider yourself warned that calling me this late is about to piss me off."  He stopped immediately.

Bottom line, is HER happiness worth yours?

leahbeah143
by Leah on Apr. 21, 2013 at 11:06 AM
*hugs* all you can really do is try to listen and be supportive. I was the friend dating the asshole alcoholic. What helped me was Al-anon, maybe you could suggest that to her?
lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

 i hope she opens he eyes and sees this is not the man for her. she is going to be in a world of trouble if she marries him. can you offer to go to the meetings with her and support her. maybe this will turn her around and she will see the light. she could also go to some al-anon meetings.

rhodaj
by rho on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:21 PM

Hun I am sorry you are going through this. Sometimes you just have to say to them enough is enough. I know it is hard to do. Let me look for it here i the post but I did a post for this exact thing. It was just kind of misleading because of the name of the title. But it is something you may want to read.

rhodaj
by rho on Apr. 21, 2013 at 5:28 PM

Here is the article I was talking about. I don't know why the author of the book named it this but he did. I hope this helps you some

http://www.cafemom.com/group/110579/forums/read/18100713/Attitude_Adjustment_Putting_Others

Quoting rhodaj:

Hun I am sorry you are going through this. Sometimes you just have to say to them enough is enough. I know it is hard to do. Let me look for it here i the post but I did a post for this exact thing. It was just kind of misleading because of the name of the title. But it is something you may want to read.


matreshka
by Ruby Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 8:30 PM
sometimes you just have to step back and let people make their own decision s. your right he is her drug. maybe tell her how you feel about it affecting you and try to hang out and not talk about it for a while.
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CherrieFaeries
by Member on Apr. 21, 2013 at 11:36 PM
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Al-anon is good for people who deal with alcoholics. The difficult thing is you have to do what's good for you. Just tell her that you love her, but you aren't willing to sit there and watch her do nothing to change her circumstances, and you will be there for her when she is ready to do that.

Monkeymama930
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 12:21 AM
She's already said it he's her drug, so you can support her addiction or your own happiness.
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childofGod995
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 9:18 AM

as much as you may love your friend, you have to get away from the negativity because that is what is draining you. you should not cry over it cause there is nothing you can do about it. it is not your problem. you can only stand by and hope things change. as for the guilt trip, she should not say what she does to make you feel guilty. if she wants real help , she has to find it herself. his addiction is definitely being enabled and that is her fault. she has no respect for herself. i would have to say to her that you love her as a friend but the stress is too much for you and once things change(if they do), then again we can talk. until then, it is time to take care of yourself.

MamaFLgurl
by on Apr. 22, 2013 at 11:13 AM

 Bump for the update.

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