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Confessions..

Posted by on May. 31, 2013 at 4:18 PM
  • 6 Replies

I've been dealing with depression since as long as I can remember, but didn't get treatment until shortly after I got married in 2007.  I need to get some negative things off my chest that I'm sure are only being magnified because of my depression/anxiety.

I feel like I'm not cut out to be a mom.  I have good days and bad days, it feels like lately there have been a lot of bad days.  I always take care of my kids' general needs (I have an almost 3 year old who drives me crazy and an 8 month old), I give them just enough of me but sometimes can't give anything more and I feel so guilty.  Some days I just want to hide in the bathroom and have alone time, or disappear in a book, or surf the net in peace and be left alone, etc .  I do stay at home with them right now, so I'm always around them.  I feel like I am slowly going crazy, and I feel like crap because I know there are plenty of moms who would LOVE to be able to stay at home (I won't be doing this forever, I'm going back to school and going to get a career path started once the kids are a little older, maybe in a year or less).  My husband and I share a vehicle so access to the outside world is limited and we're staying with his parents who live out in the boonies.  Anyway, I feel like i'm being too selfish, especially when it comes to my son.  He's almost 3, a typical whiney toddler who is overwhelming me.  I feel like I shouldn't be feeling so negatively towards him or about him and it kills me!  I always thought I'd be one of those moms who could handle anything and everything.  I don't hate my son, I love him with all of my heart and soul, I wish I could do more for him and wish he didn't get me so annoyed/aggrevated/mad all the time.  I hate feeling like I have to yell at him to get him to listen.  He' not a bad kid in the least, he's just..in his terrible 3's I guess.  I always heard 3's were hard.  I just feel guilt all the time, that I'm not good enough or giving my all.. but I feel stretched so thin as it is and already battling with depression, plus I have a Mirena in and I am constantly having lower back pains because of that.  Sometimes I feel like it'd be easier to just be dead, I would never kill myself, but that kind of negative thinking isn't okay at all.  I feel weak, hopeless and useless.

I know my post was kind of random but any helpful feedback would be greatly appreciated.   

by on May. 31, 2013 at 4:18 PM
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Replies (1-6):
sea17
by on May. 31, 2013 at 5:03 PM
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You're not being selfish, you're trying to take care of yourself. You NEED some alone time/kid free time especially if you are struggling with depression.    Breathe.  Find something about him that is just adorable..my 3yr old still mixes ups his words and it always make me laugh.  Take the car on an evening and let DH care for them while you go to Starbucks or something just to stare at the wall. Hang in there.   Time passes quickly.  I'm 3 years into what you seem to be dealing with and am now working full-time at a job I enjoy, but I still feel really crappy at times.

Emmas_Krista
by on May. 31, 2013 at 6:01 PM
1 mom liked this
It's not selfish. As much as we love our children and want to be around them, we also need adult time. A date with the husband. A solo trip to the grocery store. Being around your kids 24/7 is tough, anyone who says it isn't is lying. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

Ps- The Mirena causes lower back pain? I had some pain suddenly start a couple of months ago but I've had mine for a year now.
rhodaj
by rho on Jun. 1, 2013 at 1:34 AM
1 mom liked this

You deffintly need some me time. I know its hard to do that with children. But see if your husband would keep the kids for a few hours when he is home and take the car and do something for yourself. There is nothing selfish about that. 

I use to have to do that when my children was small. Now I will go get my grandchildren so my daughters will have some me time or at least take one for awhile.

Hugs

Cheeks88
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 8:15 AM

Quoting Emmas_Krista:

It's not selfish. As much as we love our children and want to be around them, we also need adult time. A date with the husband. A solo trip to the grocery store. Being around your kids 24/7 is tough, anyone who says it isn't is lying. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel?

Ps- The Mirena causes lower back pain? I had some pain suddenly start a couple of months ago but I've had mine for a year now.

 Yeah hubby knows how I feel and tries to help out as much as he can, but he works a full time job which drains him (he's a Police Service Technician working to become an actual cop in a few months so he deals with very..animated people sometimes).  Anyway, It is few and far between that I get alone time, but I did get to have some girl time a few days ago without the kids.  Of course I came home to my husband pulling his hair out because of our 3 yr old haha.  So he knows.  I just need to try and make more time for myself in order to be a better mom when I am around my kids.

And yes for me the Mirena has caused lower back pains the entire time I've had it which is about 7-8 months.  My muslces in my lower back and in my upper thighs always feel pulled extremely tight and achey so I end up feeling like an old person a lot of the time.  I've read that there are a lot of strange side effects of the Mirena that differ from woman to woman.  :/ I don't have health insurance right now so I'm going to stick it out with it and possibly think about switching to somethin else when I can get on health insurance. I can always feel the strings so I know (or assume) it's in it's proper place.

Cheeks88
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 8:17 AM

 Oh and I do take 50mg of Zoloft since the end of my 2nd pregnancy to prepare myself for post partum depression (which was BAD) but I think I need to take more of it or switch to something else.  The thing I don't like about Zoloft is that when I was on 100mg it lowered my sex drive to nothing.  And during sex I couldn't feel very much, took forEVER to make me orgasm.  It was vey frustrating.

daisy_deary
by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 5:15 PM

Holy Crap Cheeks88 I think we're twins! Lol! But no seriously I'm in pretty much the exact same situation and could have wrote that almost word for word. I don't any advice that hasn't already been given but your welcome to pm me if you want to talk.

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