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Why am I so angry?

Posted by on May. 31, 2013 at 5:50 PM
  • 8 Replies
When my husband and I decided to start trying for a baby in 2010 I was ecstatic! And after what seemed like forever I finally found out I was pregnant in April 2011. I had a fairly easy pregnancy (ie: back pain, tired, morning sickness, etc) but nothing too horrible. I worked up until the day before my due date (Jan 4, 2012). On Jan 5, 2012 at 8:02 pm my beautiful baby girl, Bailey, was born...but that's where my nightmare began.

There is nothing more horrifying to a brand new mother then a) not hearing her child cry and b) hearing her nurse utter the phrase "call the NI-CU". Most everything from there is a blur. I remember crying hysterically thinking something was horribly wrong with my baby. Finally we were told that she was OK, and the reason for their concern was a "blister" like spot on the ball of her right foot. For days every type of specialist came to our room to see her. All confirming that she was in fact healthy, they were just concerned about this "blister".

When we were finally released from the hospital we did what every new parent is supposed to do. We contacted a pediatrician and scheduled a newborn appointment. (Let me just say, I absolutely LOVE her Dr! The staff is amazing at her Drs office!) We met with Dr. Abbey and she did the normal routine newborn check. When she got to Bailey's foot she recommended that we go see a dermatologist that she trusts and worked closely with. We agreed and within a few days Bailey had an appointment.

Dr. Lindsey was just as wonderful as Dr. Abbey. She told us that she wanted to do a biopsy of one of the smaller "blisters" on Bailey's foot to send it to the lab. She walked us through the entire process and was very gentle with Bailey. She told us that they would have the results back within a few days to a week and Dr. Abbey would contact us when they were in. Sure enough, a few days later on of the nurses at Dr. Abbey's office called and said our results were in and they wanted us to come in that afternoon.

When we arrived at the dr's office I knew it wasn't going to be great news. I could see it in every nurses' eyes. I could practically HEAR their pity screaming out at me. But Dr. Abbey was as calm and as gentle as she had been when we first saw her. She took us into one of the patient rooms and sat us down. She looked right at me and said "Take a deep breath and let it out...we have Bailey's test results back." My husband slowly reached for my hand, I honestly believe he thought I was going to grab our daughter and run out the front door. If I didn't hear the bad news it didn't exist....right? But I sat there, as still as a statue. I'm not going to lie, I thought about running. Oh, how I thought about it!! But it wouldn't make the bad news any better.

She told us Bailey was being diagnosed with Langerhans Cell Histiocytosis (LCH for short). Most everything after that is foggy. She said she had never heard of it before and didn't know anything about it except for the few facts she had googled before we got there. This is about the time I spaced out. All that medical husband asked a few questions...I think I did too but I can't remember.

My mind raced a million miles a second. Until it came to a grinding halt at the word "mortality". I'm sorry...back it up there doc!! What the f*ck did you just say?!?! Mortality?!?! She's two f*cking weeks old!!! That word shouldn't even be legal to say in the same sentence as a two week old's fate!!! You should be locked up! You need to talk to someone about your delusions. I did snap out of my daze long enough to ask the only question my mind could come up with "what's the mortality rate?" No mother EVER should have to ask this question! But I asked it, and the look I received for asking did me in. She didn't hide her pity for me, she wanted me to know that it hurt her just as much saying "50/50" as it did for me to hear it. She asked if minded if she prayed over Bailey. "Pray?" my thoughts screamed, "You think praying is going to help?! You honestly believe He cares?! He did this to her!!" But she prayed, and I cried.

Since then we've been to specialists. Bailey has an amazing oncologist who takes very good care of her. We've learned that the type of LCH that Dr. Abbey had read up on is the extreme cases. Bailey's in contained only to the bottom of her right foot. She is a very healthy 17 month old. So why did I write down this horrifying story only to tell everyone that she's OK?

Because I need help!

Ever since that day I've been so mad/angry/furious at God. My faith is almost none existent. How is it that parents who have lost their child to different types of LCH can have amazing faith, but I still have mine and can't trust Him? What is wrong with me?!?! Shouldn't this be my proof? Why am I still so angry at God? Hasn't He proven that He does care?

I'm sorry if this doesn't quite fit the forum but for me it's a depressing topic. I'm afraid it will start effecting my marriage. Has anyone been through something similar? Have you lost your faith and somehow recovered it?
by on May. 31, 2013 at 5:50 PM
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Replies (1-8):
by Bronze Member on May. 31, 2013 at 8:59 PM

Faith is a tough one to explain,your relationship with God is personal.  Over my long life I have zig zagged in my relationship with God from he does not exist,he does not care,to he is our loving Father.  Having an ill child as to be unbelievable.  I think that any emotion that u go through is  normal.  ((HUGS)) 

by rho on Jun. 1, 2013 at 1:26 AM

Hun I'm sorry about your daughter but I'm glad she is going to be fine. It is nothing unusual to loose faith in God or blame him when something tragic like this happens. Very religous people have lost faith in God for some reason. Your feelings are not unusual in this case. I know a gentleman that I went to group theropy with who is a pastor well was. That when he was told he has bipolar that he also lost faith in God and question everything he had believed in all of his life. He told the group that he finally just had to work to rebuild his faith again, thinking of all the good God had done for him. 

I hope that helps you feel a little better. Also talk to your husband about this, 

by rho on Jun. 1, 2013 at 1:27 AM

I also want to say welcome to the group.

by Peggy on Jun. 1, 2013 at 8:51 AM

god will never turn his back to you.  find faith by sincerely asking God to restore your faith.

by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 3:56 PM

I think it is perfectly normal to question faith and god in situations like this. I wish I had some answers for you but I don't. Your posts makes me think that you are fdoing all you can for your daughter and that is wonderful.

by on Jun. 1, 2013 at 9:31 PM
Thank you very much for taking the time out of your busy days to reply. I actually started feeling a bit better after posting it. I've never come out and told anyone how angry I've been. I think actually sitting down and admitting it was a step in the right direction. Next will be looking for a church that feels like home. My husband is a patrolman and I feel bad for not telling him how I feel but I'd rather him not be worried about me while he's working. I need his full attention on his job.

Thank you again for your words of encouragement.
by Member on Jun. 1, 2013 at 10:35 PM

I have also felt the same way. As a matter of fact I am constantly struggling with faith that I sometimes feel that I am going crazy. People believe in so many different things and its really your personal experiences that shapes your views of what your beliefs are. Ever since I was a child I have always wondered about the "Almighty God" that so many of us serve. There were so many times that whenvener I had questions people would get angry at me and say to not question anything that has to do with Him. That totally confused me. The only thing that I can say to you is that you have the right to be angry. Its one of those many emotions that we were given as humans. But I truly believe that He is all good things and anything that comes from Him will be good. So just like there is good there is also bad. So try to find it in your heart to not blame Him for what happened. He is the one that gave you this precious child.

by Leah on Jun. 1, 2013 at 11:00 PM
*hugs* My daughter's name is Baylie :-)
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