I think I am on the verge of a breakdown.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (type 1, rapid cycling) almost 7 years ago. I have been unmedicated for 4 or 5 years. I still have mood swings, occasionally suicidal ideation (I wouldn't act on it), but I have been dealing, it hasn't been that bad. I had one kind of bad manic rage fit and several small ones I could kind of control in the past few months.
I just realized that I have been having delusions and hallucinating, even when I am not manic. I was aware that I had both in the past, but that was many years ago, before I was diagnosed. I feel like I am being watched, constantly. I was afraid to shower because I didn't want 'them' to see me naked. I keep seeing this 'lion man', he lives in my backyard and comes out at night, when he sees me, he tries to pounce, but the glass on the patio door stops him.
Today there was coffee dripping on the floor, I had no idea if it was real or not, it wasn't coming from my coffee mug. I just watched it drip til I realized when I was away from the computer desk, my 2 year old son must have spilled it and then put the keyboard on top of it.
My head just feels so weird, and I know I need to see a psychiatrist, I haven't in years. I've kind of been in denial about being bipolar until recently. I know I need the help, but I am terrified to. One of my biggest causes of this paranoia is that I will lose my son, that's why I am being watched, they want to take him...so I am kind of afraid that if I see a psychiatrist that CPS will take my son. I just feel 'crazy',I don't want that to be confirmed, but I also don't want things to get any worse. I thought I had to be manic to feel like this, but I guess not.