I just need to vent... This will probably be all over the place & you don't have to read it if you don't want to, I just want to get it out.
I feel like such a failure. I'm so depressed and nobody understands or takes the time to realize how I feel. I'm 24 with a 2yr old beautiful daughter who is an absolute angel, I feel so blessed to have her but I often wonder why I deserve such a wonderful baby. We live with my mom, stepdad, and little sister. We get treated so unfairly here. Well I do at least. My little sister(12) does no wrong! I really do think that all I'm good for to my family is my daughter. I graduated from school a month ago... I have searched and searched and searched for a job but since I'm not licensed I haven't been hired... Yet other girls I graduated with had an amazing job before school was even over! I can't take my exam to become licensed because I don't have money to pay for both exams($70ea). I keep getting nagged by family about finding a job... Nobody sees that I've been busting my ASS trying to find one. I've turned in my resume to over 9 places. I'm so ready to begin my career and save money and get the hell out of here. I'm ready to start providing an amazing future for my sweet baby... She deserves it so much. I feel like I'm failing her and all I do is just cry and cry. I can't take this anymore. I feel like everything I did to try and change our future was for NOTHING. All I want to do is lay in bed & sleep & cry. I thought I was on the right road but I guess I was wrong.
Another thing that's weighing heavily on my mind is the relationship(or lack of) I have with my mom. Ever since my stepdad has entered the picture almost 15yrs ago, she hasn't been the same. She stopped coming to my games, my recitals, whatever I was involved in. She's never been interested in anything I do. She never says she's proud of me. She's never been there for me. We don't have that close mother/daughter relationship... My little sister is adopted, and they are very close. She goes to her games, practices, school programs, whatever.
I keep to myself while I'm here. I don't talk to anyone. I take care of my daughter & that's that. I'm so very thankful that I have my baby. As soon as I found out I was pregnant, I promised myself & my unborn child that we would have a different relationship than I do with my mother. I promise I will always be there for my baby. She's already my best friend, and nothing will ever change that. I will be that mom who participates in her school stuff, I will always go to her practices/games/recitals of whatever it is she wants to do. I will always be there! DD is my pride & joy.
I wish I could pack us up & go far away... Not have to worry about anyone, do our own thing. I can't wait for that day we move out of here and pretty much don't have to worry about anyone else. I'm working so hard for that & it's been very discouraging for me :(
Sorry for the long randomness... It's one of those days where I'm feeling so down & wish for a break in life.