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Long vent ... I don't even know where to start...family issues

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 6 Replies

I guess it started when dh and I got together. His sil hated me from day one. She was trying to set dh up with a friend of hers but there were no feelings there and it just wasn't working out. Sil got pissed off and made a huge issue about it. It took my dh going to his brother and telling him to get his wife to back off before it cooled down. She had issues with me because I had a child I was bringing into the relationship. She was 18 months old at the time and her dad was pretty much non existent at the time. We were going through court as he was suing for rights, but he punched me in the face while I was holding her when she was about 2 months old so I left and didn't let him see her unsupervised until the court ordered me to, which was well after dh and I has established a relationship and she had bonded with my dh. She called him by his first name. His mom and dad loved her and took to her like she was their own grandchild when I introduced her to everyone. Mind you, it took me and dh dating for about 2 months before he met dd. We worked together so I spent a lot of time around him both in and out of work. Well, his brother and sil refused to acknowledge her. At all. Like if we were all there for dinner they might say hi. This was 5 years ago. Dh and I were together for about 4 months when I got pregnant. That caused a whole other set of issues with sil and me. She refused to address these issues with me but would give me nasty looks and talk about me behind my back. DH, me and bil all worked together at the time. Shortly after I got pregnant bil left the company. Sil was pissed because she thought I was trying to trap dh into a relationship, and was jealous because I guess they had been ttc for a year and nothing was working. Well, 3 months into my pregnancy she gets pregnant. Normally I wouldn't care, but she wanted all the attention. Ok, works for me as I don't want the attention on me. But they have also pissed off parts of the extended family because they don't acknowledge cards sent or presents sent so when I got a baby shower present and money, and she just got a small item she was pissed. But I speak with this person regularly on dh side of the family and they refuse to. Fast forward to my dd birth, we are told that hands down no matter what they will be there for this dd. They still aren't acknowledging odd. I'm pissed and keep bringing it up to dh. He doesn't want to cause issues at first but now that ydd is here and after that comment he really sees what I have been saying all along. This isn't ok. So he tells them that this isn't gonna work for us. They say until we are married they refuse to acknowledge me or my odd. Fast forward 2 years we get married. They don't say a word to me at my wedding, even though bil is IN my wedding and literally had to say a hebrew blessing to us. They ignore me and odd, but play with ydd. Again this goes on until this year in Feb (so 2 more years) when its my odd birthday. In 5 years this would be the second time they would have attended her birthday. Last year they showed up for about 30 min. The night before the party I text sil for something and get a response back that her dd is sick so they wont be coming. I know, shocking. Whatever. I tell dd. Shes hurt, but understands. What she doesn't understand and asks about a week later is how come they still haven't called her to wish her a happy birthday, or mailed her a card or a present. I reminded her that you don't always get presents from everyone. So I ask mil about it. She gets upset at first and thinks that dh and I are mad they didn't show up because my neice was sick and I guess 3 days after the party ended up in the er for a couple hrs. We explain that we know the kid is always sick and we aren't mad about her being sick. We are upset because they couldn't even be bothered to put a stamp on her card that they bought her and mail the freakin thing to her! She tries to take the blame saying she forgot to bring the present and card when she was at their house the last time. I flipped. I told her that she is not their fucking currier service. This is not the first time bil has tried doing this shit. Instead of texting one of us to meet up he uses his mom as a go-between. She hates it and has said as much to everyone but said she would bring this because it was my dd birthday present. Bil works 20 min away from my house. On his lunch break he could've brought it by or text me or dh to meet him. He has the flexibility in his schedule to do it. Then they try to tell us when we can schedule our ydd birthday party because they want to through a cinco de mayo party. Ydd b-day is 5-7. Dh had it. He text his brother and told him he wasn't invited to ydd birthday since its now 3 months later and he still hasn't even bothered to acknowledge odd birthday and he is now dictating when we can and can't celebrate our ydd birthday.(Our scheduling is complicated because odd is here every other week. The other week she is with her dad). His brother doesn't respond to the text, his sil does with some snippy bs trying to start a fight. Dh doesn't give in. Fast forward to a last week. His dad set up a meeting with him and bil to work through the issues. Both his mom and dad (they are divorced) have been having health problems due to all these issues. They all go to dinner and talk for about 2 hours. DH comes home and says everything is settled. I said ok, what was his response for not addressing odd birthday. "uhh...". And what was his response when you told him his wife needs to back off on her attacking me at a parent and telling me that I am a back parent and she doesn't trust me with her child and that you need to go to counseling because you aren't over childhood issues that you already got counseling for. "uhh..."  I told him that the meeting was fucking pointless. They agreed to try and be better about addressing birthdays. His brother is upset that they have lived in their house for almost 3 years and we haven't seen it yet. Nope, because we have only been invited over 1 time right when they moved in and that 1 time I refused to go. You don't acknowledge my birthday at all, but expect me to celebrate your birthday 2 times. I don't think so. I wont ignore your birthday, but I will be damned if I will participate in 2 celebrations. And we told them that then. The only thing my dh was smart enough to tell his brother was that when I dont show up to family functions because I feel ostracized by sil, dont be an asshole about it. The kids will be told that I am not feeling good. I'm fucking over this stuff. It literally makes me physically sick. I have lupus and I ended up having a flare and spent my ydd birthday in the er this year because of the stress of all of this. Call me crazy but if you have 3 people that are physically getting sick because of the issues, maybe its time to just call it quits and go separate ways, brothers or not. I would never tell my dh he can't speak with his brother, but I will protect my children and myself. My odd sees the attention that ydd gets from them and has made comments about it. Shes not stupid. She knows shes outcast, but doesn't know why.

I'm tired of the excuses and the dirty looks and the rude text messages I get when I would ask if we could take their dd somewhere (like the zoo with our kids). Thats when I was told that they don't trust me, and I am a bad mom and I am not allowed around their dd alone. I would love to know wtf I did to deserve that. If anything I should fucking do that shit to bil. He fucking molested dh when they were kids. I have kept that a secret for my dh because he asked me to. He has told his mom and dad (within the past 2 years) and tried to talk to his brother about it, but his brother either ignores him or denies it. My kids are never alone with them either, but I dont sit here and tell them that they are bad parents. Hell they sit in time out with their dd when they put her there. I could tell them they are a bad parent for that and god only knows what else. But imo I am more mature then that and recognize that we just have different parenting styles. But I refuse to be told that I am a bad mom by some stupid bitch who out of the past 5 years spent more then 3 refuses to accept my dd. So now I am the bad person of the family. Yay! More stress for me. Because now I feel guilty for not going to family functions and getting nasty looks and snide comments under her breath said at me. Or just completely ignored all together. But I can say I definately don't feel like I bitch for asking them, and the couple mutual friends we did have that have since deleted me and dh on fb to delete any pictures of my children. I just sent one of those messages tonight. I still haven't received a response and the pictures are still up there. She saw the message over an hour ago. I will give her until tomorrow to take them down before I report them. I told dh he needs to message his sil and brother about taking down any pictures of my kids. I'm not dealing with the drama from sil.

If you made it through this...thank you. I'm sorry it is so much, but I have been keeping so much of the stress of this bottled up for the past 5 years. It is a part of my depression. I blame myself for it when I have no control over it. I am working on getting past it, but honestly I don't know that I ever will. I mean how can you ever be civil with someone again after they call you a bad mother and say they don't trust you with their child when you have to happy, healthy, loved children?!

Posted by Anonymous on Sep. 7, 2013 at 11:10 PM
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Replies (1-6):
lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 3:28 PM
1 mom liked this
sounds like they are toxic people. I would totally cut them off.
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Sep. 8, 2013 at 4:29 PM
Im going to, but i would never come between dh and his family. I did tell him that i wont participate in family functions and should he invite them over here to let me know and i will find somewhere to go for the day. I just dont want to be the one blamed for not being willing to ork on things. I tried once and it turned into a one upper, then bashing my dh and mil. That is why i have refused to sit down with sil again. Im not going to listen to her tell me that my dh needs counsling for being molested (by a different guy and this was reported to the cops). Dh went through years of counseling and is better now. He was fine before we got together. Sil doesnt know that bil molested my dh when they were kids. I wont betray my dh and say anything to her about it but she thinks her dh is better than everyone. I just cant do it anymore, but i dont want to deal with the backlash from it either.

Quoting lyrick24:

sounds like they are toxic people. I would totally cut them off.
Kathy489
by Bronze Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 4:31 PM

I agree with lyric. Avoid as much as possible.

matreshka
by Ruby Member on Sep. 8, 2013 at 6:39 PM
I too would avoid them.
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lucy164
by Peggy on Sep. 9, 2013 at 5:06 AM

I would suggest that you cope with with these ignorant people by ignoring them.  You don't need them nor do your kids.  In fact I would keep my kids away from these people because they don't deserve to have them ( the kids) in their lives.

The sil sounds like she's very jealous of you.  Ignore her also.

The best revenge for these people for you to live a good life.

jamamama00
by Member on Sep. 9, 2013 at 5:28 AM
This is jusy way too much craziness to be healthy. You guys need to cut ties alltogether. I would showoup for events (christmas, thanksgiving, etc) at your MILs house and be distant but civil, and that's about as much as I would be willing to give.
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