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Depressed by lazy husband HELP!!!

Posted by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:00 PM
  • 10 Replies

I have been married for almost 4 years.  I am an attorney, active in the Jewish community, have a post-graduate degree,a nd continue my secular and religious education.  I am also the cook, the cleaner, the caretaker for our two boys.  I get up with them in the middle of the night, I take the older one to day care (that I pay for), and I make sure that all of the bills are paid and all of the maintenance of the house is taken care of.  My parents were married for 51-1/2 years until my dad passed away.


My husband: never finished 2 years of college, is a stay at home dad, and complains all of the time how busy he is and overwhelmed by the children and the home.  He says I am too demanding because I don't like him breaking things, ruining things, leaving things out, and not having any responsibility for any of the bills.  His parents were divorced and were married 7 times (father to 4 people and mother to 3 people).  He gets on me about taking a 1 hour class in the evenings (after the youngest is asleep already).


I ask him to do the simplest things and he ignores me or does the opposite.  He claims that I am too picky or he doesn't mean to do it.  He puts wet towels in a bin to sit for days without washing them, he cuts plastic tags on clothing and leaves the two pieces in the carpet on counters or on the floor for me to walk on or the babies to put in their mouths.  He lets laundry pile up and then wants a thank you for washing and folding them (while I am working all day). When I ask what he did in the day, he yells and says "I did laundry."  We all know that putting it in the washer takes 1 minute. Putting it in the drier takes one minute. Folding takes about 5 or 10 minutes.  What happened to the rest of the day?

He claims to have "friends." I ask why we never see them and he says they are on-line guy friends who all say that what he is doing is okay.  I told him that he does not need to listen to people who are similarly situated because they will agree with him; after all, they are doing the same thing.

Today, my husband and I agreed to see a rabbi and abide by whatever he says.  I let my husband speak first.  I let my husband say whatever he wanted to say.  My husband complained that I take a women's shiur class for an hour a night and that I didn't ask his permission first.  The rabbi shot that down and said I should take the calss and I did not need to ask permission.  My husband said "of course he will say that, he is a rabbi."  The rabbi asked my husband if he cooks to which he responded "no."  My husband asked if we should go to counseling. The rabbi said "why? all it does is make people air their dirty laundry to someone else."  My husband asked again and the rabbi shrugges and said "if you want to go, then go." My husband took that as the rabbi suggesting we go.

Then, the rabbi told a story about when he was traveling on a plane with a beautiful moral to the story. My husband claims he didn't hear it.  The rabbi said he knows people who work 2 doors down from their home. My husband said "the rabbi said he knows people who work 2 hours away from home."

Whatever he said, my husband heard the opposite, didn't hear it, or said "he is a rabbi, of course he will say that."  We BOTH agreed to abide by whatever the rabbi said (which is my husband should do his job around the house if I am working hard), and now my husband won't abide by what the rabbi said.

My husband leaves out canopeners on the ground on top of plastic -- not very good for my feet, for a 2 year old or for an infant to be around.  The room at the end of the hall is a pig pen full of clothes on the floor, in bins, overflowing from drawers, and under a bed.  The bathroom he uses at the end of the hall has his stuff all over the counter with open caps, overflowing toothpaste onto a beautiful counter (that is now stained), and overflowing drawers.  Did I mention that he does not flush the toilet? He says "I didn't want to wake the baby: 1. it wouldn't wake the baby, 2. the "stuff" is still in the toilet 12 hours later when the baby has been awake all day, 3. no apology and it happens again the next day.

I have offered to teach him how to cook. I have offered to pay for cooking lessons. His mother came over the other day and put goldfish crackers on the floor for our 2-1/2 year old to pick up and eat! I was outraged but didn't say anything.  His mother is allergic to fish. When I wanted to feed our toddler some tuna salad on Shabbos, his mother said "I am allergic." Am I wrong that she should have left the room so I can feed lunch to my toddler? Instead, my husband defended her and said "our son had hummus, so that was his lunch."

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE help!!! Comment what I should do. I have discussed this with him dozens and dozens of times.  He wants to go to counseling.  I told him that a counselor will make us come back multiple times (for the money). I also asked: "if the counselor tells you everything I have asked is reasonable and you should listen to me, will you do it?" He said "yes."  I then asked: "why don't you try it first and see how it goes without having a counselor tell you -- I am your wife and it will make me happy." He said"I want someone else to tell me."

The, he asks why I get upset when he does something over and over that is detrimental to me, our sons, or our marriage.

PLEASE HELP!!!! Am I wrong? 

by on Jan. 19, 2014 at 8:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leahbeah143
by Leah on Jan. 19, 2014 at 9:59 PM

 I don't know, if he's saying that he will actually listen to a counselor, I'd probably give it a shot. If you really don't want to do that, tell him to get a job if he doesn't want to be a stay at home dad anymore. Marriage is teamwork, and it doesn't sound like he's being much of a team player.

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 6:31 AM

i would go to counseling just to see if it might  help. it sounds like he is doing things that are not safe for the children. i dont know if there is any changing him if he is just lazy. if he would just get into a habit of picking things up then it wouldnt be so bad on him. i am sorry you are having to deal with this. 

lucy164
by Peggy on Jan. 20, 2014 at 7:08 AM


Quoting leahbeah143:

 I don't know, if he's saying that he will actually listen to a counselor, I'd probably give it a shot. If you really don't want to do that, tell him to get a job if he doesn't want to be a stay at home dad anymore. Marriage is teamwork, and it doesn't sound like he's being much of a team player.


matreshka
by Ruby Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 9:48 AM

I honestly don't think he'll listen to a therapist either.  He didn't listen to the rabbi so what would be different about the therapist?

Does he just not know how to manage his time at home?  That's my problem.  Would it be too bossy to give him a to do list everyday.  I have my husband give me one because I would be lost without it.

Pixiemaid
by Bronze Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 10:07 AM
Have your husband always like this through the whole marriage? Personally I think u can do better
leila11
by Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 5:19 PM

it sounds to me like he had a crazy background that has left him limited..and u had a nicer one...very different! I hope you can work it out for the kids sake...maybe he is a bit of a desperate housewife and feels depressed about not being educated and being able to contribute.I do..xxx

happyolechimp
by Silver Member on Jan. 20, 2014 at 7:39 PM
hun...i read all of that and ..not sarcastic...but you'd be better of to be rid of him...hire a maid/nanny...really...bad.. :-(
deltathree
by Gold Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 12:58 PM

 sorry - hugs.....

Quoting happyolechimp: hun...i read all of that and ..not sarcastic...but you'd be better of to be rid of him...hire a maid/nanny...really...bad.. :-(

 

24summer
by on Jan. 21, 2014 at 3:24 PM

Dear Yakirah,  you are definitely in a bind.  It seems like you are doing most of the work.  Do you have anyone to talk to to determine what your options are if your husband doesn't start taking on more responsibilities?  This situation doesn't sound like one that will change quickly.  Are there ways for you to get some alone time to get a break from this chaos?  Maybe a counselor may help but if he isn't willing to make a small change without one, I am not sure.  Change happens from action and listening to a counselor is not the same as doing things differently.

jazi1105
by Ruby Member on Jan. 21, 2014 at 5:31 PM
Very well said!

Quoting 24summer:

Dear Yakirah,  you are definitely in a bind.  It seems like you are doing most of the work.  Do you have anyone to talk to to determine what your options are if your husband doesn't start taking on more responsibilities?  This situation doesn't sound like one that will change quickly.  Are there ways for you to get some alone time to get a break from this chaos?  Maybe a counselor may help but if he isn't willing to make a small change without one, I am not sure.  Change happens from action and listening to a counselor is not the same as doing things differently.

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