So I've been debating on posting in my monthly group how I have been feeling but I got too scared. I didn't think they would understand or would judge me and then I found this group.
I am 26 weeks pregnant right now. I have been pregnant 3 times with 4 different babies. I have one live daughter and this one will be my second little girl. My background includes clinical depression, bipolar, and anxiety disorder. I have not been on medication since I because pregnant with my first born back in 2011.
As for the reason I am posting this: I am feeling very depressed. All I want to do is cry. Everything is my life is spiraling all to shit. We are getting evicted this month and we live in mn where winters are terrible. We have nowhere really to go, no money, our car broke down 2 weeks after we found out we were getting kicked out. We are living with a family member and it makes me SOOOO angry that she is so heartless that she doesnt care that she is kicking out an 18 month old in the middle of winter when she knows that we have nowhere to go! I want to hit her. I am much better at controlling the anger side of my bipolar than I used to be, just not the depressive side. My DH got laid off right before christmas and the only job I could get is a seasonal job that pays shit. Its not enough money. All the stress is eating away at me, it is causing me and my hubby to fight more, about stupid things. He tells me I am overly emotional which I will admit I can be. He doesn't have much sympathy for me when we are fighting and tells me that I am crazy for being upset or that it is always about me which just makes me feel bad for mentioning that I feel like shit. I pretend that I am okay so I don't worry my daughter because she needs me. But I work and still do pretty much everything for my daughter. I have to ask my DH to change her and its usually when I am angry because he will never check if she needs it. He just assumes I will do it. And I am always the one that is getting her when she wakes up in the morning. And then when I get angry about it and tell him that it is his turn and would he please go get her so I can sleep in (he always sleeps in) he gets cranky about being tired and will get her and put her on top of me in our bed while he makes her food which means I have to be awake to watch her while hes not. Frustrates me because if I do that to him, he will get very angry. And I have to tell him that she needs to be changed every morning when she gets up or she will get a bad rash, its common sense really and he just complains on how he hates changing diapers and blah blah blah like I dont hate it too.
I feel like I have nobody to talk to. :( I had preeclampsia with my first, I am so scared to get it again. My life is so much more stressful now than it was before and I can feel the symptoms starting to show a little bit. and this pregnancy was supposed to be twins and when we found out my DH said we couldnt keep them because we couldnt afford it which I was totally against doing (getting rid of them that is) and then I lost one of them.....which really hurt me because I have lost a baby before like I mentioned and then he decided we could keep it since there was only one. and I tried telling him that I was depressed about losing the other twin even though I know we can't afford a second let alone a third but he just shut me down saying, I lost the baby too and he doesn't want to ever talk about it again. I am still depressed about it when I think about it too much...I secretly hoped the ultrasound tech was wrong but there is only one.
I'm sorry this is so long, I am going to stop now. I just needed to talk I guess. If you read all of this, I applaud you for bearing with me.