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How can I get my SO to help me out...

Posted by on Mar. 24, 2014 at 11:52 AM
  • 11 Replies

 Without him feeling like I'm "attacking" him?

First a little history...

We've been together for about 4 1/2 years now. We have a 3 year old and a 9 month old. We seperated briefly, once, about 2 years ago. (Because of the same issues we're having today) We live in a 5 bedroom 4 bath house with his sister, BIL and nephew. The sides of our house are for the most part seperate but connected by the mud room. We have our own kitchen (that only I cook in).

I'm really up for any kind of suggestions because talking isn't cutting it. You can talk until you're blue in the face but unless there is understanding and action following the talking its worthless. I have anxiety and am pretty sure that I'm bi-polar. I think some of this is connected with a thyroid problem because I have all the symptoms, am hoping to find out soon (wednesday).

He works from 4am to 1 or 5 pm. He does not play with our 3 year old at all. I am totally consumed with our 9 month old since he will only hold her for about 10 minutes tops then either hands her to me or sets her in her walker. Soo he doesn't play with her either. Dinner time is the most stressful. We do sit down at our dining room table but it's always yelling at the 3 year old to "Quit messing around and just eat!" He's 3. We argue quite often about parenting. I'm the more gentle, hands on, lets explain instead of yell parent. He's more strict and WAY less patient.

I'm tired of the lack of patience. I'm tired of him never wanting to interact with his children, instead sitting down for hours watching TV. I'm tired of being the only one who does laundry or cares to pick clothes up off the floor. Or hand wash the dishes. Poop. I'm tired of poop. Since I'm the only one who can stomach a poopy diaper or wipe a poopy butt. I'm tired of diapers. He hasn't changed a diaper since... I can't remember. He also forgets, a lot. I pack him lunch for work that just sits in the fridge. Important papers that need to be mailed lay around. Mail goes unopened. ETC.

Might sound shitty but I blame his mother. And father. I so strongly believe that the way you were raised effects the way that you parent. And when his mom comes around he's different. He acts like he's better than me and that he's embarassed of the things I say. And I don't think he does it purposly but there are times I say something and he makes me feel stupid, dumb. He obviously trusts his mom with his life, our kids lives. But I don't. I don't know her enough to. (live far away) She is well I don't say this being mean (because she has been nice to me) but she's ditsy... And now they're looking to moving here to our state... and looking at a house directly across the street.

When his family is around he neglects his own. He'll put everyone else first, then the kids and I.

A relationship and/or marriage is suppose to be a team! We for right now are anything but. Everytime I bring issues up he takes stabs at me saying "Well you do this..." It frustrates me and then I can't focus on what I want to talk about. Conversation over.

My mom says therapy. And I'm starting to think it's the only thing that will save us. I'm tired and emotionally burned out because I put so much into all this.

I know I need to be on new medication for anxiety, bi-polar and probably thyroid. But medication can only do so much. I need to be in a healthier more helpful environment. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can get him to help me out more with the kids? So that he doesn't feel like I'm attacking him?

by on Mar. 24, 2014 at 11:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
matreshka
by Ruby Member on Mar. 24, 2014 at 2:20 PM
2 moms liked this
Is his job stressful? It seems like he works a lot of hours. Still that's no excuse for not helping and not interacting with the kids. Couples therapy could really help. Both of you can get to say what you need to say and come up with better ways of communicating.

Its important you get your thyroid checked out first because it can cause the same symptoms of anxiety and even bipolar disorder.
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lucy164
by Platinum Member on Mar. 24, 2014 at 4:06 PM
1 mom liked this

I agree with your mom about getting into couples therapy.

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Mar. 24, 2014 at 4:43 PM

 your mom is right. you two need to go to therapy. some men dont tolerate children very well and therapy probably wont change that. but at least he might try to help you out with other things so  you can handle the kids. you need to be on medication for your health problems. you may need thyroid medication to help with the anxiety and bipolar symptoms.

Mackiesgg
by Bronze Member on Mar. 24, 2014 at 8:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Seems like Mom is giving you great advice. If he bulks at that, I would ask which is easier, counseling or child support and alimony.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

sirkokobean
by Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 10:05 AM

also talk to your dr about postpart, but u r right thyroid can cause a lot of problems 

Anonymous
by Anonymous on Mar. 26, 2014 at 3:00 PM
I always do everythingfor my kids. I am stay at home mom and my man works so i dont ask much from him.
srltb143
by Bronze Member on Mar. 26, 2014 at 10:25 PM

I think that your mom is definately right.  I would find a counselor for both of you to go see.  Sometimes it's hard to work things out in a relationship because there is the finger pointing back and forth.  You feel like he is mostly to blame, and he probably see it the other way around-that makes it really hard to work anything out.  You may temporarily get past one argument or whatever but sooner or later there will be another, because all you are doing is just putting what is really bothering you to the side.  And eventually you'll explode.  I would definately find a counselor to mediate.  Just let him know: hey, I love you and the kids love you and I really want this to work, but the only way that's going to happen is if we try to go talk to somebody together...I feel a certain way, and I'm sure you feel a certain way, and we just have not been able to work it out or really talk so I think we need to do this.  Good luck, and I'm so sorry.  It definately makes the other issues harder to deal with.

amberlavine
by Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 1:27 AM

 

Quoting matreshka: Is his job stressful? It seems like he works a lot of hours. Still that's no excuse for not helping and not interacting with the kids. Couples therapy could really help. Both of you can get to say what you need to say and come up with better ways of communicating. Its important you get your thyroid checked out first because it can cause the same symptoms of anxiety and even bipolar disorder.

 

I Just had an appointment today with my doctor (she has been my doctor for about 11 years) And the first thing she said to me was "You're really skinny" and not as a compliment, but as concern. We talked and opted to test my thyroid. I hope to know by tomorrow. I'm excited to get on the right path to finding answers for myself. I think if I can get my health in check everything will be easier. Not just for me but for my kids and SO as well. But I know for fact my SO hates his job. I know it's not what he wants to do nor does he enjoy doing it. But he does what he has to, to take care of us. (With my anxiety I am probably just as equally as stressful as his job, which is unfair really) I've encouraged him to go to college or to pursue anything else that would make him happy, but I can't force him to. And I agree that work isn't an excuse for no interaction with the kids. Honestly, I'd be totally happy with him playing with the kids while I clean, cook, etc. I'd actually prefer it that way!

amberlavine
by Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 1:31 AM

 

Quoting sirkokobean:

also talk to your dr about postpart, but u r right thyroid can cause a lot of problems 

 We've been monitoring my anxiety etc. pretty close since my daughters birth because I was/am marked high risk for PPD because of my past history. Luckily my OB is my regular doctor (of 11 years) so she knows me and knew me well before I had any children.  We're checking into my thyroid and hopefully getting some answers!

amberlavine
by Member on Mar. 27, 2014 at 1:34 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting Anonymous: I always do everythingfor my kids. I am stay at home mom and my man works so i dont ask much from him.

 

All I would love is for him to direct more positive attention to the kids and maybe attempt to hit the laundry basket! lol. I realize he works long hours at a job he absolutely hates. And that he is doing all of it just take care of us. But a routine of work, shower, eat, TV and sleep in that order with nothing in between doesn't cut it. There needs to be conversation with family and interaction with family even if it's just for 20 or 30 minutes.

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