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I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:22 PM
  • 11 Replies
1 mom liked this
I read things here and my heart sinks. I know many of these feelings oh too well! I feel the seperation and loneliness that colors depression. Something only others who suffer from real depression can understand.

Sometimes meds help, sometimes not. Sometimes you can feel helpless with no light at the end of the tunnel!
Thankfully, their are so many great ladies here that share the same pain. I know I should not feel alone, but sometimes we still do. Thank you everyone!

I am at the lowest point in my life that I have ever been!
I've always had a mild form of depression but, living this life with a "blended" family has caused severe depression! I have realized this is quite common in these split families, 2nd marriages, having an ex wife or gf in your life, That just should NOT be!! Although anyone in these "family units" can suffer, I have learned it is hardest on woman and the worst on the 2nd wife or Stepmom! I never understood any of that until I have lived it!

In the beginning of my sm life with my ss, I attended a preschool function. Moms, dads, grandparents etc were invited! Speaking to one of the "young"grandparents, she realized I was not mom, but Stepmom, and her face grew very somber, she came up to me ,stroked my face and said "you poor child, I wish you the best! You poor thing". Never in my life (I've raised two of my own to young adults) has anyone, a perfect stranger said something like that to me nor have I seen pain in someone's face quite like that before! All coming from a total stranger!

As time went on I understood, her heed of warning and what she meant! Had I known I would feel such pain and may have done something different!

I lost my first dh to cancer which was horrible. I couldn't imagine that something can feel worse!

Whether it is the depression itself that we deal with or the "cause" of depression....it is in my life daily. I've been with my ss since diapers. He has some issues but, over all he's a good kid, but the pain of it all is so great at times. And having to bury it all deep inside is sometimes unbearable and does not feel fair!!

As suggested here from others, I am trying to get a game plan and find some counseling. It feels like climbing a wall of ice. I keep slipping back down.

Thank you all for being here!

by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:22 PM
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Replies (1-10):
LadySavannah
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:25 PM

Being a step parent can have some incredible joys too. I don't think it was right of that woman saying something like that. She doesn't know your situation so how can she comment on it?


sunnyside-up
by Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:46 PM
I agree with you but I have NOT had a very good experience, as I'm realizing is more common than not! Maybe its because she understands that part of it and like ones that suffer from depression and have that "bond"to others that suffer, only another Stepmom can understand that commonality or pain they can share.

But, yes, it was pretty creepy and weird .
rhodaj
by rho on Mar. 31, 2014 at 2:49 AM

I'm glad you are seeking councling and that everything works out.

lyrick24
by Group Admin on Mar. 31, 2014 at 2:56 AM

 im sure it is really hard to be a step parent. i cant believe that women would say that to your though. she must have been through it herself and had a bad experience. im so sorry about your husband. i cant imagine living life without my husband and dont know how you can keep going on. but it is good that you are seeking out therapy. that will be good for you. i hope it all works out. are you seeing a psych dr or taking anything for depression?

lucy164
by Peggy on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:08 AM

I don't think that that women should be so personal with a stranger.  I'm sorry that you feel so bad about it. How does your 2nd dh respond to this? Is he supportive to you?  That's great that you will be going for therapy.

sunnyside-up
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:11 AM
No to both questions. I'm seeing a marriage counsler, but, this is a huge challenge for me. I am far away from most places. Also looking for free options, but there is a counsler near by. I may try her, but she is exspensive and will see how ofteni will be able to go.

Yes, having gone through all I have gone through, then adding what I'm going through now, is hard to imagine how I can continue some days! We all have our crosses to bear. These are mine.

When I lost my first dh, I was on Zoloft. It did not help. I was more "numb" than anything. I gained weight with it, which was even more depressing and it was very difficult to ween off.

I really would love to find that "happy" pill but, don't know if it exsists or worth trying many different kinds. And I do NOT want to gain weight again.

I also deeply feel, when a situation causes you pain, because of actions of someone else, they are the ones that need to seek counseling ! When those actions stop, so will much of my depression.

In a Stepmom situation, when things are twisted up from step kids, lack of boundries by dh with ex etc....it is never their fault. It is always the suggestion that thesstep parent learn to "deal"with it.

I don't think any many with a prior relationship with children should ever get involved with another woman until he has gone through some type of parent classes and couseling that he is ready for a new relationship, before he/she causes such pain to another human being!

I'm that woman had a bad experience, as most blended families have to go through one time or another, with those unusual family dynamics. As I have said, a bad experience is more common than not. And the "bad experience" just isn't just a short lived thing. When you are in a marriage, no matter how good,when you have an ex with a whotle set of different family than your own or your husband and childern, can be a roller coaster of hell the rest of your life. This other woman is in control of everything in your life, holidays, when you can take vacation, where you live, no privacy....childern tell everything that goes on from house to house, sometimes the kids are great, other times it can be a nightmare because you are not the bio parent, they can be very disrespectful and many bio parents say nothing nor do they support their new wife.Don't forget the Disneyland parenting by bio parent because of their guilt that the family is split even though it us not their fault and the child is doing great! No disapline can be a horrible thing to live with and feel you can do nothing in your own home!! The list goes on and on....I had no clue what could lie ahead, she did!

Thanks for reading my long answer. And thanks for your response!

Quoting lyrick24:

 im sure it is really hard to be a step parent. i cant believe that women would say that to your though. she must have been through it herself and had a bad experience. im so sorry about your husband. i cant imagine living life without my husband and dont know how you can keep going on. but it is good that you are seeking out therapy. that will be good for you. i hope it all works out. are you seeing a psych dr or taking anything for depression?

sunnyside-up
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:26 AM
Hi Lucy, I agree but, unless you've lived a step parents or split family life, I can understand her wanting to "save you or feel such strong compassion" to a stranger because living it can be horrible. Being older she has probably been through it all and it is a common bond that is shared by other Stepmoms! I didn't understand it then but, I understand it now.

I would never recommend anyone getting involved with someone with young childen and an ex! If you as well, have children of similar age helps, and maybe having your own ex, because you share that, but if you are single, no baggage or even widowed, it can be a nightmare. No woman should have to go through what I have went through!

Thank you for your words of support!

Quoting lucy164:

I don't think that that women should be so personal with a stranger.  I'm sorry that you feel so bad about it. How does your 2nd dh respond to this? Is he supportive to you?  That's great that you will be going for therapy.

sunnyside-up
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:30 AM
Thank you! I'm am seeking out some advice you gave me awhile ago concerning depression/anxiety. Its hard taking those first steps!

Quoting rhodaj:

I'm glad you are seeking councling and that everything works out.

sunnyside-up
by Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:53 AM
Hi, I'm sorry but if were really being honest here, being a step parent is probably one of the emotionally hardest jobs ! And even with the "incredible"joys you speak of, most are NOT!

If I may ask, what are your "incredible" joys? Is it an ex that has no boundries with your dh-texting him or calling him while you lie in bed together as husband and wife, an ex that has no respect for your schedule, an ex not being responsible on their week with their own childern, wanting you to pay for everything and ex not paying for anything? Or is the joys that even though you do everything, take care of their child, doing diapers, food, holding them when they cry, loving them, even when bio parent is not even active with their child, you still legally have no rights and rarely are respected. Schools have no place for Step Parents....even though sometimes the step parent can be more involved with child than their own parent!

We are still helping raise these children and love them because they are part of our husband. And unlike some bio parents that walk away, we choose to help love and raise a child that is NOT our own.

So, almost all step Parents share this common pain between eachother. Each situation maybe slightly different but, many things are the same.

Please don't feel defensive. I'm not trying to do that. Just explaining why we can share the same pain no matter the good in a step family situation.

There can be a lot of pain with the good.

Quoting LadySavannah:

Being a step parent can have some incredible joys too. I don't think it was right of that woman saying something like that. She doesn't know your situation so how can she comment on it?

lucy164
by Peggy on Apr. 1, 2014 at 2:37 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting rhodaj:

I'm glad you are seeking councling and that everything works out.


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