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Depression Support Center Depression Support Center

DH doesn't understand my social phobia

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 10 Replies
I've tried to explain it, but he just doesn't get it. He's super outgoing and thrives on new experiences. Me on the other hand, I get terrified just thinking about it.

Today we were at a party with his work friends. I was uncomfortable the whole time, but put up with it because he and my girls were having fun -- but I was miserable. No one talked to me so I just stood there like a fool imagining what these people must think of me. I tried to busy myself with my kids, but they were busy doing other things and DH was busy mingling or whatever.

Anyway, I guess DH assumed I was grumpy because he was drinking (so I couldn't) and offered to stop drinking if I would like to have something to drink. I said "thank you" assuming that was it (he tends to get a bit hostile when he's drinking (and, given the fact that he started at noon, I was thanking my lucky stars that he offered to quit at 4:00). Turns out, he only agreed to stop IF I would drink, and since he never saw me go for any booze, he kept on going.

On the way out, he asked if I would drive and I asked if he's been drinking. He said "of course. Why wouldn't I" and I guess I must have looked irritated because that's when all hell broke loose.

On the way home, he was yelling at me for moaping around "trying to bring (him) down and that if I would just "get over it" I might actually have fun. I tried so hard to explain what was going on there (as I have done multiple times in the past), but he insists that I'm just trying to kill his fun and he "knows I just want (him) to stay home all of the time".

I feel hurt and lost. I know a lot of this was because he had been drinking (which is why I asked him to stop) but he doesn't see that. He just thinks I'm trying to control him.

What should I do?
Posted by Anonymous on Jul. 6, 2014 at 12:40 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 6, 2014 at 12:49 AM

BUMP!

ambergem
by Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 1:31 AM
Marriage counseling stat.
rhodaj
by rho on Jul. 6, 2014 at 3:20 AM
1 mom liked this

I would try marriage councling. But I have the same problem with my husband but when we go someplace I guess you could call me controlling. I have the car keys and when I say it is time to go it is time or he will be left. I am known as the buzzy killer. I can't handle being around a lot of people at one time and he knows it.

lyrick24
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 4:02 AM

 i would talk to him about it when he hasnt been drinking. let him know that if he doesnt control his drinking you wont be going to anymore events. i think it is good you attempted to go. at least you did not stay at home and stop everyone else from going.the big problem sounds like he just drank too much.

matreshka
by Ruby Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 7:00 AM

It seems like drinking is the issue. But he wants to hange for himself, and the post you described soest sound like he wants to change.  He wanted you to drink because he wanted you to enable him.  I wish I has some easy answers for you. 

The best thing you can do is to ignore hima ndgive him the cold sholder when he drinks.  Maybe then it will sink in that he's taking things to far.

Anonymous
by Anonymous - Original Poster on Jul. 6, 2014 at 10:00 AM
Quoting matreshka:

It seems like drinking is the issue. But he wants to hange for himself, and the post you described soest sound like he wants to change.  He wanted you to drink because he wanted you to enable him.  I wish I has some easy answers for you. 

The best thing you can do is to ignore hima ndgive him the cold sholder when he drinks.  Maybe then it will sink in that he's taking things to far.



There are a lot of issues. Drinking has always been one of them :(

I guess he just remembers when we met -- at a party. I was 21 and in college, and going out with friends drinking and having fun was a lot easier then.

But I've grown up since then. I'm 32 and a SAHM. I don't see much point in drinking because I get a headache right away and am a terrible mother the next day (hungover and what-not).

So, he thinks probably thinks I could just "fix it" by "letting loose" with a beer or five, but since I don't, he assumes I'm being grumpy and stubborn.

...

Or perhaps he's just frustrated that he doesn't know how to "fix it" -- his one suggestion wasn't working -- so he's getting defensive.

Either way, I'm not happy with this. This whole thing's been a mess, but I guess it's nothing new.
Kathy489
by Bronze Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 10:07 AM

It sounds like a common problem in marriages-- the woman grows up, but the "man" doesn't. I put "man" in quotes because they still act like kids. The wife ends up with an extra kid in addition to the real kids.

If this is the usual scenario, then he has a drinking problem, and he is a poor excuse for a husband and a dad. He needs a wake-up call. I'm sorry. Put your foot down. Either he goes with you to counseling, or you take steps to give him alternatives.

Quoting Anonymous:
Quoting matreshka:

It seems like drinking is the issue. But he wants to hange for himself, and the post you described soest sound like he wants to change.  He wanted you to drink because he wanted you to enable him.  I wish I has some easy answers for you. 

The best thing you can do is to ignore hima ndgive him the cold sholder when he drinks.  Maybe then it will sink in that he's taking things to far.

There are a lot of issues. Drinking has always been one of them :( I guess he just remembers when we met -- at a party. I was 21 and in college, and going out with friends drinking and having fun was a lot easier then. But I've grown up since then. I'm 32 and a SAHM. I don't see much point in drinking because I get a headache right away and am a terrible mother the next day (hungover and what-not). So, he thinks probably thinks I could just "fix it" by "letting loose" with a beer or five, but since I don't, he assumes I'm being grumpy and stubborn. ... Or perhaps he's just frustrated that he doesn't know how to "fix it" -- his one suggestion wasn't working -- so he's getting defensive. Either way, I'm not happy with this. This whole thing's been a mess, but I guess it's nothing new.


Anonymous
by Anonymous on Jul. 6, 2014 at 10:19 AM

 What should you do? Well, since you asked.....

You should go to therapy and work on overcoming your social anxiety.  It is clear your husband wants to have a social life and if you make him miserable every time you guys go out, he's going to stop including you and go alone which is never a good idea.

MissMackiesgg
by Bronze Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 10:36 AM
2 moms liked this

Take him to the dr with you and let them explain what is going on with you. If he would be willing pull up site that talk about that problem. If you had diabetes, he wouldn't expect you to just get over it. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain instead of one with your pancreas.

Kathy489
by Bronze Member on Jul. 6, 2014 at 10:40 AM
1 mom liked this

The advice above by "Anonymous" sucks. Please don't listen to it. Having anxiety or depression is bad enough without having people holding you to blame. 

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