So much has happened and changed. Started with my best friend moving home in June. That's been nice, and I don't think I'd have made it through this week without her.
So there's been tension between me and my brother. It happens when we live together, mostly because him and my SO don't like each other. So my best friend and I are looking for a place together so we can help with childcare when we both need to start school. He's not taking it well due to his injurie and losing his job and anxiety and depression. He feels we'll drift apart, I won't need him.
So all this continues. He finds a job and it's looking up. He's still having problems with his depression but he sleeps lots to escape it so he doesn't use again. Sunday is my birthday. He doesn't come oit because of his anxiety and he has to work early. Monday we argue over coffee (fucking coffee, can you believe that?) He leaves for work, comes home while I'm feeding baby. Tells SO he was terminated, doesn't want to talk right now, he'll be out when he's ready. (We're thinking terminated for an anxiety attack Friday at work, and fainting Saturday at work)
He doesn't come out that I know of. But it's nice out, we're in and out, playing with the kids in the yard. He's just sleeping, dealing with his shit his way. We hear him crying, but he doesn't respond to our messages. Go to bed.
SO wakes me up. Kenny's alarm has been going off for a while now. Has he been online? Not in 22 hours. My head is pounding, my heart is screaming, and I just know..
Go downstairs, knock. No answer. SO goes in cause I'm holding our youngest son, I'm shaking and crying and terrified. Wait for him to yell at him for going in his room.
SO comes out and hugs me. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry honey."
The rest is a blur. Calling 911, hearing the conversation, the EMT's, the police, the coroner. The people contacting me, family coming for the kids.. "Tell me it's not true" "Is Kenny ok? I saw the ambulances"
This week has tested me in so many ways. I feel so lost. He's helped me through everything. I can see and feel myself moving away from my children, SO's and friends. I can't sleep and barely eat, and just overall can't really carry a conversation without getting distracted or zoning out.
The hardest part is wanting to have a coffee on the deck in the morning, the bedtime smoke, and needing to talk to him. If I told my SO that I was craving, he'd remind me what I'd lose. My brother however, would be a better person to talk to.
Everything hurts. I guess writing this out has helped. I know it takes, but how do I balance the time needed, and needing to be present now.
Thanks if you made it this far, and again, sorry for the length.