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A bit of a rough time

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 10 Replies

My SO of 3 years and I broke up on Labor Day (early September) and I guess I have been having a rough time dealing with it. He helped me through the most difficult time in my life- dealing with the dissolving of my marriage and the worst part of my anorexia. Anyhow, the way our relationship ended, there really was no closure. I feel like he just kind of abandoned me. These feelings of abandonment are taking me back to issues that I have with my dad from when I was young, only 7 years old. My dad was out of my life from age 7 to 29. So, of course, I have always had issues surrounding men and worries of them leaving me. I also developed an addiction to pills when my marriage was failing, about the same time my anorexia started. That started in 2013, and then I got a DUI in the summer of 2015 and went to jail for one night because I hit a car while blacked out from taking too many pills. That October I was hospitalized for 3 days when I took too many pills, and upon release, I entered treatment for my addiction. So needless to say, my SO helped me through a lot. He was my support through a lot of difficult things that I went through and some of the darkest times in my life. 

I guess now that he is gone, I'm just having a hard time dealing with stuff. My anorexia was already rearing its head before he left, but I have definitely lost more weight since he left. He and I had not spoken at all since the split, until this past Saturday. He texted me for the first time, after 7 weeks of silence. But it was only to ask about possibly seeing my DD. I don't know how I feel about that. Under normal circumstances I would think that was nice, but I know that I can't handle that right now. Just him even texting me hurt like hell and brought everything back up to the surface. The little bit of progress that I had made in the last few weeks felt like it all flew out the window. And I know this is selfish, but it also kind of hurt that he didn't even care about me, but that it was only about my DD. Is that terrible? It sounds so bad, but it was still the way I felt. Am I a terrible mother for feeling that way? 

The other thing, and this really worries me, is that I have been trying to get pills. I have been texting people that I used to be able to get pills from. Everyone is telling me no. I feel like I have been black-balled. I know they are doing it because they know I am sober, and they care about me. These are my friends, after all. But what if one of these days I text the "right" person, and they say yes? Will I get the pills? Will I follow through? Will I take them? I am worried. I just miss that feeling of not having to feel the pain. Not having to sit with this discomfort. I am afraid I am going to relapse.

Someone please help me. 

Posted by Anonymous on Oct. 27, 2016 at 12:15 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lyrick24
by Group Admin on Oct. 27, 2016 at 3:55 PM

you need to see a psychiatrist. you dont need those pills. you need an antidepressant. you need to be inpatient and get some rehab. i can understand you want to cut everything off with your ex. if that is what you need to do for yourself then do it. you sound like you have other issues of abandonment you need to deal with. do it the right way for yourself and your dd.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 27, 2016 at 5:16 PM

I do have a psych Dr. I have a whole treatment team that I see. They have been amazing and so helpful over the last 3 years. I think I have just fallen into a dark place at the moment. I know it started with the breakup, and just got exacerbated by the text that he sent last weekend. I'm going to my groups and my meetings, and doing everything that I can to combat the urges to relapse. I met up with a sober friend for coffee yesterday to talk about everything. I'm still taking my meds and going to my weekly therapy. I think I just need extra support right now, and to remind myself to take it day by day, hour by hour if need be.

Thank you for your support. My DD is one of the things that keeps me going. Every morning that I wake up still sober, she is one of the reasons that I am sooo happy and thankful for it. I want to remain a safe person in her life. I want to remain present in her life. I don't want to be foggy and forgetful all the time like I used to be. I want to be clear-headed and aware of every moment that I have with her. Thank you for reminding me of that :) 

Quoting lyrick24:

you need to see a psychiatrist. you dont need those pills. you need an antidepressant. you need to be inpatient and get some rehab. i can understand you want to cut everything off with your ex. if that is what you need to do for yourself then do it. you sound like you have other issues of abandonment you need to deal with. do it the right way for yourself and your dd.


happyolechimp
by Silver Member on Oct. 27, 2016 at 9:24 PM
hon....that's just strange that he wants to see your daughter....i wouldn't want him around...at all
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 27, 2016 at 9:31 PM
If there was able a time to rely on yourself, thus is it. You used your ex as a crutch because he made it seem like he took all your problems away. You need to remember that you can stay strong without him. Seek out your friends, family, people you are close to for comfort, but you will never have better days if you don't triumph over the bad ones.
Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 27, 2016 at 10:41 PM

I know, it does sound kind of strange reading back over it. I guess I didn't give enough info on their relationship. They were really close. They always played games together, and played on the wii U together. He would pick her up from school sometimes and help her with her homework. She also used to go over to his grandma's house and play outside with their dogs, so she misses the dogs a lot. So they have kept in contact via text since we split (she has an iPad). I guess she had mentioned that she missed the dogs, and he said she could come visit them any time that she wanted to. Her response (I read all the texts between them) was that she was afraid that "mommy wouldn't let her go" and so he told her that he would talk to me and ask. And, to be fair, when he asked about seeing her, he did say that it could be all three of us, but that it didn't seem like I was open to that idea. Which I'm not. But right now I'm not open to any idea. It hurts too much and it's too soon. I know this because even just receiving a text from him felt like it shattered me for a couple days. On the one hand, I feel like I need to be a mature adult for my DD (because I know she wants to see him and she misses him), but on the other hand I also feel like I need to protect myself right now. I told her maybe down the line a little bit. Do you think that was an okay answer to give her?

Quoting happyolechimp: hon....that's just strange that he wants to see your daughter....i wouldn't want him around...at all


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Oct. 27, 2016 at 10:48 PM

You're right. I don't know why, but I'm just so afraid of being alone. The feeling terrifies me..

Quoting Anonymous 2: If there was able a time to rely on yourself, thus is it. You used your ex as a crutch because he made it seem like he took all your problems away. You need to remember that you can stay strong without him. Seek out your friends, family, people you are close to for comfort, but you will never have better days if you don't triumph over the bad ones.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Oct. 27, 2016 at 10:55 PM
1 mom liked this
I completely understand, in fact I was just like that too years and years ago. Trust me, once you start working on being alone and surviving alone, it is a great feeling you'll want to keep forever. Self reliance is a strong thing and makes you feel strong like you can do anything no matter what, and you can if you try.

Quoting Anonymous 1:

You're right. I don't know why, but I'm just so afraid of being alone. The feeling terrifies me..

Quoting Anonymous 2: If there was able a time to rely on yourself, thus is it. You used your ex as a crutch because he made it seem like he took all your problems away. You need to remember that you can stay strong without him. Seek out your friends, family, people you are close to for comfort, but you will never have better days if you don't triumph over the bad ones.

Anonymous
by Anonymous 3 on Oct. 28, 2016 at 12:43 AM

You need to be alone right now. AND NOT TAKE PILLS.

flowers

happyolechimp
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2016 at 9:06 AM
I don't know how old your daughter is...but...this is strange....i would not have her going with him

Quoting Anonymous 1:

I know, it does sound kind of strange reading back over it. I guess I didn't give enough info on their relationship. They were really close. They always played games together, and played on the wii U together. He would pick her up from school sometimes and help her with her homework. She also used to go over to his grandma's house and play outside with their dogs, so she misses the dogs a lot. So they have kept in contact via text since we split (she has an iPad). I guess she had mentioned that she missed the dogs, and he said she could come visit them any time that she wanted to. Her response (I read all the texts between them) was that she was afraid that "mommy wouldn't let her go" and so he told her that he would talk to me and ask. And, to be fair, when he asked about seeing her, he did say that it could be all three of us, but that it didn't seem like I was open to that idea. Which I'm not. But right now I'm not open to any idea. It hurts too much and it's too soon. I know this because even just receiving a text from him felt like it shattered me for a couple days. On the one hand, I feel like I need to be a mature adult for my DD (because I know she wants to see him and she misses him), but on the other hand I also feel like I need to protect myself right now. I told her maybe down the line a little bit. Do you think that was an okay answer to give her?

Quoting happyolechimp: hon....that's just strange that he wants to see your daughter....i wouldn't want him around...at all

Memere60
by Silver Member on Oct. 28, 2016 at 5:46 PM
1 mom liked this

Do you have a sponsor that you could call to help you deal with the urge to use pills again?

I think you already know that succumbing to that will only be a dangerous path for you......

Could you go to a 12 step meeting?

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