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New and needing to vent

Posted by on Nov. 19, 2017 at 8:06 PM
  • 6 Replies
1 mom liked this

Hello ladies.  Ive been a member of cafemom groups before when my boys were smaller and Im coming back after many years away.  I suffer from what I feel is depression and social anxiety.  Today I am feeling extra emotional and went searching for some sort of group online and found myself here again.  

I keep to myself a lot, Ive never really had any friends and the ones that I did have growing up went their own ways, I feel like Im not worth anyone's time or worth having as a friend because Im so irritable, down, or just awkward around people in general.  The only parent I have is my mother and we never talk.  She never calls to see how Im doing, never asks to spend time with my children, she is just never there.  I have NO family to turn to for any help or support.  I have a sister but we arent close at all.  I am married, still I have no idea how, but my husband can be pretty hurtful towards me.  He sees my depression/anxiety as a weakness and puts me down for it.  He has called me a lot of things including lazy, annoying, fat, ugly, worthless.  He is the one person who I look to for love and after hearing him call me these things over the years it has really pushed me away from him, physically and mentally.  Sometimes I feel like just telling him to leave not because he says hurtful things but because I think he is right about most things he says and I dont think he can be happy with me, like Im failing him somehow by being this way.  

I have two teenage boys, 15 and 19.  They both have been difficult to raise.  I can tell they think poorly of me and have a lack of respect for me.  This also obviously has to do with the way my husband has spoken to me in front of them as well I feel.  My youngest has text me before after not getting his way and has told me how much him and my husband hate me so much and that Im the reason that my husband is mad all the time.  He also said Im the reason that him and his brother are the way they are. 

I feel like Im in a deep hole that I cant get out of.  Im hardly ever happy, extremely irritable at times, and I dont want to be around anyone ever.  Going to the store is a chore in its self.  I dont want to be like this.  Im 38yrs old and I feel so alone.  If I were to leave my husband Id have absolutely no one and being alone scares me.  I have tried different medications through out the years and they havent helped much.  I recently stopped taking everything a few months ago because I felt like the medicine wasnt helping and also my husband would call me a pill popper....I only took what was prescribed, nothing more.   Id give anything to wake up tomorrow and have this huge burden of sadness taken away.  I do not understand why I cannot be happy and time is ticking away.  I want to be happy for at least some part of my life.  

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for being new and being a total downer.  

by on Nov. 19, 2017 at 8:06 PM
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Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 on Nov. 20, 2017 at 3:12 AM
1 mom liked this

Welcome back to CafeMom!

Have you seen a therapist at any point?  I think that might really help you. 

I can see how sad and worthless you feel and that's no way to live your life.  I hope you get some help.

Hang in there.

Quoting Andrea.S.:

Hello ladies.  Ive been a member of cafemom groups before when my boys were smaller and Im coming back after many years away.  I suffer from what I feel is depression and social anxiety.  Today I am feeling extra emotional and went searching for some sort of group online and found myself here again.  

I keep to myself a lot, Ive never really had any friends and the ones that I did have growing up went their own ways, I feel like Im not worth anyone's time or worth having as a friend because Im so irritable, down, or just awkward around people in general.  The only parent I have is my mother and we never talk.  She never calls to see how Im doing, never asks to spend time with my children, she is just never there.  I have NO family to turn to for any help or support.  I have a sister but we arent close at all.  I am married, still I have no idea how, but my husband can be pretty hurtful towards me.  He sees my depression/anxiety as a weakness and puts me down for it.  He has called me a lot of things including lazy, annoying, fat, ugly, worthless.  He is the one person who I look to for love and after hearing him call me these things over the years it has really pushed me away from him, physically and mentally.  Sometimes I feel like just telling him to leave not because he says hurtful things but because I think he is right about most things he says and I dont think he can be happy with me, like Im failing him somehow by being this way.  

I have two teenage boys, 15 and 19.  They both have been difficult to raise.  I can tell they think poorly of me and have a lack of respect for me.  This also obviously has to do with the way my husband has spoken to me in front of them as well I feel.  My youngest has text me before after not getting his way and has told me how much him and my husband hate me so much and that Im the reason that my husband is mad all the time.  He also said Im the reason that him and his brother are the way they are. 

I feel like Im in a deep hole that I cant get out of.  Im hardly ever happy, extremely irritable at times, and I dont want to be around anyone ever.  Going to the store is a chore in its self.  I dont want to be like this.  Im 38yrs old and I feel so alone.  If I were to leave my husband Id have absolutely no one and being alone scares me.  I have tried different medications through out the years and they havent helped much.  I recently stopped taking everything a few months ago because I felt like the medicine wasnt helping and also my husband would call me a pill popper....I only took what was prescribed, nothing more.   Id give anything to wake up tomorrow and have this huge burden of sadness taken away.  I do not understand why I cannot be happy and time is ticking away.  I want to be happy for at least some part of my life.  

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for being new and being a total downer.  


LoisLane78
by Member on Nov. 20, 2017 at 10:38 AM
1 mom liked this

@Andrea.S., so sorry for your pain.  I have suffered from anxiety, depression, low self-esteem and social anxiety most of my life.  Several years ago, I saw where my life was going and realized no one but me had the power to take my life back.  I'm the only one I'm with 24 hours a day.  My husband works long hours and my kids are grown.  I began to read good books.  Rethink How You Think by Dr. David Stoop is a good one especially since others see you the way you see yourself.  You use a lot of negative words when describing your life.  If you truly feel these things, it will come across to others.  I have read over a dozen self help books (Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by D. Amen; In Pursuit of Happiness by F. Minirth; Happiness is a Choice by F. Minirth and many more.)  I listen to New Life Radio call in program.  It offers counseling over the phone and also has an excellent website with tons of resources.  I tell you all of this to encourage you that you can have a happy life, and that you can show your family that you are worthy of their love and respect.  As I said earlier, I have suffered from social anxiety but I am happy to tell you that this past Saturday I was invited to a painting party at the local country club.  I only knew one person, a previous coworker who invited me.  Since she was the hostess she was busy and didn't talk to me much.  I was there with a roomful of strangers, but I introduced myself to the lady beside me and I had a really fun time.  I'm saying a prayer for you to realize how valuable you are and that even if your family doesn't acknowlege it, there is a God who created you, loves you and is interested in you personally and has confidence in you. He wants you to have an abundant life.

MomAnn10
by on Nov. 20, 2017 at 12:38 PM
1 mom liked this

Sounds like you feel like you are stuck in a rut and want to get out. Awareness is the first step so it is really good that you want to make a change. Have you considered setting some small goals for yourself that you know you can complete? It helps to plan out your day to feel that you accomplished something. I also tend towards anxiety and depression and have found that doing something creative has helped me.  I starting walking and taking pictues which has helped a lot. Getting outside lifts my mood and I also get the added benefit of some exercise.Some people like to journal, draw, paint, knit, crochet or do anything creative to express their emotions, Try a new hobby or look for volunteer opportunities. Volunteering is a great way to meet new prople that have the same interests as you. Hope you find something that can give you a sense of pride in your wotk. It is therapy right at your fingertips.  

Andrea.S.
by New Member on Nov. 20, 2017 at 4:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you all for your kind words.  To answer the question of seeing a therapist..yes I have seen about 4 in a span of about 10yrs.  I hate going to them because I feel worse talking about whats bothering me and in the end I feel like the counseling is going nowhere for me so I stop seeing the person after a few months.  

Reading the self help books is a good step and Im happy that this has helped you LoisLane78.  I do realize that the way I feel and act does probably make me unapproachable.  I just dont know how to not feel this way.  Im glad you were able to get out and be around people over the weekend!  Thanks for the information on the books that have helped you.  I will have to look into them :)

MomAnn10 I have actually bought instruction booklets for crocheting and every time Ive tried to do it I cant get the hand movements down.  Ive tried other hobbies but when I have tried I just cant do them correctly and it bums me out more and then it turns to frustration.  Ive been stuck in the house since August due to foot surgery that I had done.  Im able to walk a bit now but not too much.  I think not going to work or not being able to do too much has brought me more depression.  Im working on getting out more though.  Im happy to hear that these things have worked for you!

Just having you ladies respond to my post has brightened my day and I thank you for all of your advice!  It was nice being able to get things out.  Hope you 3 are having a wonderful day!

captainjack
by Silver Member on Nov. 20, 2017 at 10:44 PM

Can you talk to your dr?

Quoting Andrea.S.:

Hello ladies.  Ive been a member of cafemom groups before when my boys were smaller and Im coming back after many years away.  I suffer from what I feel is depression and social anxiety.  Today I am feeling extra emotional and went searching for some sort of group online and found myself here again.  

I keep to myself a lot, Ive never really had any friends and the ones that I did have growing up went their own ways, I feel like Im not worth anyone's time or worth having as a friend because Im so irritable, down, or just awkward around people in general.  The only parent I have is my mother and we never talk.  She never calls to see how Im doing, never asks to spend time with my children, she is just never there.  I have NO family to turn to for any help or support.  I have a sister but we arent close at all.  I am married, still I have no idea how, but my husband can be pretty hurtful towards me.  He sees my depression/anxiety as a weakness and puts me down for it.  He has called me a lot of things including lazy, annoying, fat, ugly, worthless.  He is the one person who I look to for love and after hearing him call me these things over the years it has really pushed me away from him, physically and mentally.  Sometimes I feel like just telling him to leave not because he says hurtful things but because I think he is right about most things he says and I dont think he can be happy with me, like Im failing him somehow by being this way.  

I have two teenage boys, 15 and 19.  They both have been difficult to raise.  I can tell they think poorly of me and have a lack of respect for me.  This also obviously has to do with the way my husband has spoken to me in front of them as well I feel.  My youngest has text me before after not getting his way and has told me how much him and my husband hate me so much and that Im the reason that my husband is mad all the time.  He also said Im the reason that him and his brother are the way they are. 

I feel like Im in a deep hole that I cant get out of.  Im hardly ever happy, extremely irritable at times, and I dont want to be around anyone ever.  Going to the store is a chore in its self.  I dont want to be like this.  Im 38yrs old and I feel so alone.  If I were to leave my husband Id have absolutely no one and being alone scares me.  I have tried different medications through out the years and they havent helped much.  I recently stopped taking everything a few months ago because I felt like the medicine wasnt helping and also my husband would call me a pill popper....I only took what was prescribed, nothing more.   Id give anything to wake up tomorrow and have this huge burden of sadness taken away.  I do not understand why I cannot be happy and time is ticking away.  I want to be happy for at least some part of my life.  

Thanks for taking the time to read this and sorry for being new and being a total downer.  


**We're wanting more admin for our Time Out for You group,

If interested send me a PM :)


MomAnn10
by on Nov. 22, 2017 at 7:09 PM

I'm glad that you liked the books that were recommended. Keep trying to find something that you like to do. Have your considered writing poetry or taking a class on-line?  The computer offers a lot of on-line training in different areas.  There might be some on-line videos that can show you how to crochet. Hope you can get around more soon.  

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