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Lost it the other day again, surprised myself... again.

Anonymous
Posted by Anonymous
  • 8 Replies

It was over such a stupid thing, too. that's why it's surprising. I'll try to make a long story short. Since my daughter has been born, it seems every sentence out of my husband's mouth towards her has involved potty talk.... and I'm not exaggerating. Every conversation I've heard between them has involved him saying the words poop, pee, fart, etc. I used to get really mad when she was a toddler, and say "There's more interaction you can have with her than that stuff. Yes it makes kids laugh. but you can do so much more". I used to be a SAHM and would spend my days joyfully playing educational games with her, growing that brain along with our relationship. Now she will be 10 in May and I'm proud to say she got accepted into NEHS and is top of her class in grades. But DH STILL can't say a sentence to her without saying poop/pee/fart and I just feel it's destroying everything I've worked so hard for to get her where she is! I want her to grow up with at least a LITTLE class, I don't want her to grow up to be a freakin' hoosier where people cannot see what a beautiful brain she has!! If all he says to her is poop/pee/fart, that's all she's gonna spit out when she's older! It's ok to relax and be silly and be at home but goodness there's more than that to life!! So when he started in the other day over the weekend I lost it and I said everything mentioned above, and added "I just feel like I've worked so hard to get her where she is, to teach her a little class... I feel like I'm building all these blocks and you come in and just knock 'em all down!!" Well I said it in front of the kids and I meant to. I want them to know how much I feel it's important for them to know how to act in certain situations. They can't be going to job interviews later in life with such a relaxed demeanor. TOO relaxed. But DH will not see it my way, and this is how he's always been. He CANNOT take criticism AT ALL. He ALWAYS finds a way to turn it around on me and he NEVER sees how he hurts me, and he's NEVER apologetic. I think in 25 years of being wtih him he's apologized a handful of times. Otherwise he usually says "I'm sorry you FEEL that way". (Cop out!!!) So of course he made it all about him and he hasn't really talked to me since, pouting. I told him that day it just feels like he doesn't care AT ALL how I feel, and he cut me off and said "I DON'T!" ...That HURT!!! I mean I have felt it for a long time, that my opinion doesn't matter, that he's just going to do what he wants anyway... but to hear it come out of his mouth... it sent me to my room and I couldn't stop crying for a couple of hours. My girls kept coming in wanting to play games with me, and I tried to play but overwhelming sadness kept washing over me and it was everything I could do to not have tears streaming down my face past my fake smile. I'm sick of the way my husband treats me... he is an A+++ provider but he is an F minus (many minuses) husband. Not a partner at ALL. I feel like he just keeps me around to raise the kids. When he talks about them, he says "My kids", not "OUR kids". :( :( :( I've voiced that this bothers me and he just keeps doing it. there's a lot of other things he does that I said please stop but he will not be told what he can and can't do. What kind of relationship is this? He was not like this when we married. He does NOT care about anything he does that bothers me. He can do no wrong in his mind, and if I voice that I am bothered by something he just is driven to do it 10x more. He won't go to counseling b/c  he thinks they're "kooks" and not worth the money, and if I choose to go to counseling I have to pay for it. I have a part-time job because ONE of us has to be here consistenly for the kids. He is a union crane operator. he makes good money. But I have to pay for US to be fixed if I want it, when I know full well if I even do get him to go, he will be there physically, but his heart won't be in it. he'll be checked out because he again, won't be told what to do... by me, by a counselor, anyone. I don't know what to do...
Sorry... this was supposed to be short. there's so much more and it came flooding out a little. Sorry.

Posted by Anonymous on Jan. 30, 2018 at 6:58 AM
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Replies (1-8):
Anonymous
by Anonymous 2 on Jan. 30, 2018 at 12:30 PM

here's a bump for you.  That is  odd that he has this simpleton type conversation with a soon to be ten year old.  Does your daughter find it funny, is that why he continues maybe?  Not sure what to say about his unwillingness to be more supportive to you & that was a really cutting remark to say he doesn't care about your feelings.  I hope it was more in the heat of the fight than his real true feelings.  Sounds like even though he would protest counseling it's what is really needed, maybe even just you if he outright refuses. Good luck.

mom22Feb
by New Member on Jan. 30, 2018 at 11:50 PM
1 mom liked this

You mentioned he does potty talk with your daughter, and then you mentioned "kids" so I assume there are other children? Does he talk that way to them? Sounds as if your daughter is doing great in spite of the potty talk. You have done a great job and she will figure it out in regard to what is acceptable in conversation. I am more concerned about the lack of love and respect between you and your husband. For your sake go to counseling where you can find support and learn new ways of communicating. You can't change anyone but yourself and perhaps your willingnesss to go and work on yourself will open him up to going. Marriage takes a lot of work and a good marriage takes more work. Can you plan a time to get away and have fun together? Don't choose your children over your husband. I have seen this happen many times and when the kids leave home the parents are strangers emotionally and physically. Try not to say ALWAYS or NEVER when addressing issues with him, as that will cause defensiveness. For 25 years you and he have had a pattern of communication which is lacking in emotional intimacy so this will not change without professional help. As far as is up to you, do whatever it takes. Your children will be happy and secure when they know their parents love each other through word and deed. I have been married for 33 years and learned much through books, seminars and couple's retreats. "Weekend To Remember" is a great place to start if he is opposed to counseling. If you want any recommendations to help I have plenty.

Avidreader9559
by on Jan. 31, 2018 at 11:34 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so sorry you are in such a hurtful, difficult position. You mentioned that he cannot take criticism, doesn't apologize, places blames, and is distant. It sounds to me like maybe he is carrying around some deep hurts inside and doesn't know how to properly handle them so he deflects them. I would agree that counseling for him and for you would be ideal. If he won't go, please go for yourself. You can learn new ways to communicate and to handle the situation. If he sees you growing and changing, maybe he would be willing to go at some point in the future. There are some online counselors who do consultations for free. Maybe they can help you come up with a plan that would work for you and your family. Their number is 1-855-771-4357 weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time. Praying for you!

Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 3, 2018 at 3:53 PM

She thinks it's hilarious and they "gang up" on me together. I let it fly all the time and when I get fed up and say something they both just do it more and laugh that I'm getting irritated. I've taught my daughter how to act and I believe she knows when it's ok to be silly and when it's not... but my point to my husband was, I am just SICK of hearing this kind of interaction with them! I mean no exaggeration he finds a way to weave poop talk into the conversation EVERY SINGLE TIME! It drives me NUTS!


Quoting Anonymous 2:

here's a bump for you.  That is  odd that he has this simpleton type conversation with a soon to be ten year old.  Does your daughter find it funny, is that why he continues maybe?  Not sure what to say about his unwillingness to be more supportive to you & that was a really cutting remark to say he doesn't care about your feelings.  I hope it was more in the heat of the fight than his real true feelings.  Sounds like even though he would protest counseling it's what is really needed, maybe even just you if he outright refuses. Good luck.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 3, 2018 at 4:02 PM

Thank you... I might take you up on that. It's weird, it bothers me sometimes more than others. But it always bothers me on some level, his lack of intimacy. But the fact that sometimes I feel stronger and it doesn't bother me as much... I don't know if I'm used to it and have accepted it and supressing my feelings or if its something more with me... something hormonal... I'm 41. I noticed in recent years certain things just matter to me more. I figured that is normal. But maybe it IS me and I'm the "crazy" one. But I could go on for days the daily "little things" that are done (or rather, not done) that my heart yearns for, that I've expressed to him, but still goes ignored. A simple "good morning" or "good night". "I love you". Etc. It seems the only way I know he loves and respects me lately is when he vents a problem to me and asks me what I think he should do. At least he respects my opinion enough to care. 
With that said he surprised me the other day with a Reese's Big Cup. Sweetest thing he's done for me in a while. And I've noticed he's tried to be on the more positive side, complimenting me on my work instead of tearing me down on what I didn't get to yet. So he's really not all that bad... but I know our relationship is "barely there"... but it's still there. 

Quoting mom22Feb:

You mentioned he does potty talk with your daughter, and then you mentioned "kids" so I assume there are other children? Does he talk that way to them? Sounds as if your daughter is doing great in spite of the potty talk. You have done a great job and she will figure it out in regard to what is acceptable in conversation. I am more concerned about the lack of love and respect between you and your husband. For your sake go to counseling where you can find support and learn new ways of communicating. You can't change anyone but yourself and perhaps your willingnesss to go and work on yourself will open him up to going. Marriage takes a lot of work and a good marriage takes more work. Can you plan a time to get away and have fun together? Don't choose your children over your husband. I have seen this happen many times and when the kids leave home the parents are strangers emotionally and physically. Try not to say ALWAYS or NEVER when addressing issues with him, as that will cause defensiveness. For 25 years you and he have had a pattern of communication which is lacking in emotional intimacy so this will not change without professional help. As far as is up to you, do whatever it takes. Your children will be happy and secure when they know their parents love each other through word and deed. I have been married for 33 years and learned much through books, seminars and couple's retreats. "Weekend To Remember" is a great place to start if he is opposed to counseling. If you want any recommendations to help I have plenty.


Anonymous
by Anonymous 1 - Original Poster on Feb. 3, 2018 at 4:04 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you so, so much. I didn't realize there was anyone who would do consultations online for free. This is great information, thank you!

Quoting Avidreader9559:

I am so sorry you are in such a hurtful, difficult position. You mentioned that he cannot take criticism, doesn't apologize, places blames, and is distant. It sounds to me like maybe he is carrying around some deep hurts inside and doesn't know how to properly handle them so he deflects them. I would agree that counseling for him and for you would be ideal. If he won't go, please go for yourself. You can learn new ways to communicate and to handle the situation. If he sees you growing and changing, maybe he would be willing to go at some point in the future. There are some online counselors who do consultations for free. Maybe they can help you come up with a plan that would work for you and your family. Their number is 1-855-771-4357 weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time. Praying for you!


happyolechimp
by Silver Member on Feb. 4, 2018 at 7:07 AM
1 mom liked this
i saw this post earlier and couldn't stop thinking about it.. . they like potty mouth.. .i'd make new menus. ..rename everything. ...famous. .."$hit on a sticks"......."farthouse pizza"...piss kickin wings "...i'd post it on a board just like a restaurant. ....they like dishing it out...ought to be able to take it ...
sorry so blunt. ..but that would
make me MAD
Avidreader9559
by on Feb. 7, 2018 at 5:06 PM

You are welcome! Were you able to come up with a plan that you are eager to implement?

Quoting Anonymous 1:

Thank you so, so much. I didn't realize there was anyone who would do consultations online for free. This is great information, thank you!

Quoting Avidreader9559:

I am so sorry you are in such a hurtful, difficult position. You mentioned that he cannot take criticism, doesn't apologize, places blames, and is distant. It sounds to me like maybe he is carrying around some deep hurts inside and doesn't know how to properly handle them so he deflects them. I would agree that counseling for him and for you would be ideal. If he won't go, please go for yourself. You can learn new ways to communicate and to handle the situation. If he sees you growing and changing, maybe he would be willing to go at some point in the future. There are some online counselors who do consultations for free. Maybe they can help you come up with a plan that would work for you and your family. Their number is 1-855-771-4357 weekdays 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. Mountain Time. Praying for you!



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