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WWYD? LONG *Update in replies*

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:04 PM
  • 17 Replies

So this isn't a physical kids' health issue but a mental and emotional one. Just as important right? Anyway, it's about my family. I'm thinking I need to either cut them out completely or put enough distance between us that it's almost the same thing. Here's the backstory. When I was growing up, my sister was the favorite. She got preference in everything and it was very, painfully, obvious who was the beloved child. And it wasn't me. I always swore my kids wouldn't have to go through that. But they are. My sister has a dd, she's a year older than my oldest and the first grandchild. My mother has always favored her for a few reasons. A. Because my dh is Arab, making our kids half Arab and my mother has always told me interracial relationships are wrong. B. Because my sister got pregnant at 18. She never wanted kids, had no idea what to do with a baby. So, she lapped up everything my mother told her and gave her free rein with the baby. I, on the other hand, have a very different parenting style. I didn't run to her for advice and I've done everything differently than her. Like breastfeeding for example. My mother is not pro breastfeeding and has frequently been disparaging of me doing so. I could go on. My father always said he wouldn't do that to my kids. But he is.

Anyway to get to the problem, my kids are constantly second best. It feels like no real effort is made with them. The most recent example is my oldest ds's birthday. He turned 6 last week and originally we were supposed to go back to my hometown and have his party at the hotel I used to work for and where my mother and his Naynay currently work. That's what he wanted so he could see our family down there. Well our plans fell through at literally the last minute on Friday. So I decided to throw together a small party for him at our house. Now, I understand it was very last minute, I get that. But, neither of my parents or my sister came.

My mother just said no right off the bat, didn't even bother with an excuse this time (she's the queen of excuses). My father originally said no to Saturday because they had plans. Ok I get that. But then we changed it to Sunday. Then it was no because he and his gf were babysitting the gf's gs. Ok, the gf's dd and gs live with them. I get that he's close to the baby, but what about his own gs? Why does he have to be there? The gf raised her dd and she's more than capable of watching the baby herself. My sister asked him to drive down with her. When he said no then suddenly she couldn't come either. She didn't want to come with just her and my niece. But she goes everywhere else. It's just like always, no effort is made for my kids and I'm sick of it. My ds was heart broken that none of them would be here for him. He kept asking me why and I had no good answers to give. It pisses me off, pardon the language. They did this to me my whole life and I think it's time to cut them out so the same thing doesn't happen to my kids. I won't let them go through all that hurt and being made to feel like they're less than someone else. It was bad enough when it was just my niece but now they have a baby who isn't even related to compete with. It's not right. 

This is just the last straw in a long history of this. My sister is having a birthday party for my niece in two weeks. We won't be going. I love my niece and I don't want to hurt her. But I have to think of my own kids. How will my ds feel to see everyone at her party but no one could bother to make an effort for his? Also, my father and his gf said months ago (before her gs was born) they would come watch the kids while I was in labor with my baby on the way. I now realize that they won't/wouldn't have. So, I'm not going to even tell them I'm in labor. If I make a general fb announcement then they'll know. And if I decide against that or don't get to, then they won't know.

I know it might sound... drastic? Petty? Maybe you're thinking of another adjective. But, again there's a very long history of this and all it's proving is that my kids don't matter. I do not want to see my kids heart broken because of this stuff. I wanted to cry seeing how devestated my ds was. I've lived with it my entire life and I cannot let my kids go through it too.

I'm sorry this is so long and if you got through it, thank you. It's weighing heavily on my mind. :-(

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:04 PM
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by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:37 PM

I hear ya.  My mom is the same way with all the grand children.   My step brothers dd is the most favorite though and then the rest falling into line .  DD is last since she lives the furthest away.  We live across the country from everyone else.   I have a way different philosophy than her for almost all parenting.  I keep telling her to call once in awhile or send notes to dd just to maintain any contact but she hasnt done that.   

My dad on the other hand makes it a purpose to call everyone at least once a week.  He may call brother more but brother is the executor of dad's will when the time comes.  

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 8:54 PM
My dads family is that way! Growing up we always knew that we weren't the favorite. Then when I got married, not a single one from that side of my family came...

I say, do what you feel you need to do.
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by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 9:27 PM

I agree with the person above. Do  what you feel is right.

I think I would  of blown up on them already. No one hurts my kids and it's a shame they don't see  what they are doing  to them. :(

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 9:33 PM

My husbands family greatly favors their favorite child's kids.  Like doesn't even try to hide it.  They gave our kids beat up old yard sale toys but his sisters little girls each got an American Girl doll and two outfits each, which they posted pics of on facebook.  We basically avoid them as much as possible.  

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 12:14 AM

 I am sorry you are going through that.  It can be hard to feel that way I am sure.  You need to do what you feel is best for your kids.  If you really feel like your kids are getting the feeling they are not as important then you have to take action.  It could be that they haven't noticed it though but you have because you are super sensitive to it from when you felt that way as a child all the time.  If it was just the birthday incident then I would simply tell your son that they wanted to come but because plans got changed by you at the last minute they couldn't make it but next time hopefully plans won't fall through.  If there are other incidents where your son really has felt left out with no viable reason for them not to be able to do it behind it then you have to look out for him.  Good luck. 

by Sonja on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:43 AM

I'm sorry that you and your family are going through this!  What a tough relationship and a difficult time for you and your kids!

group hug

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 8:14 AM
1 mom liked this

 I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.
I think I would do exatly what you are comtemplating. There are times to learn that life isnt fair, and everything isnt always even, but I dont think you or your DH, or your kids should have to be consistantly overlooked by family. Family should be safe, loving and accepting.

We were never close to either side of my family growing up. It was important that we "do the right thing" and visit often as my paternal grandmother got older and needed more help. My maternal grandmother would visit about once a year (from overseas). We had to be respectful etc even though she was a tyrant. Basically neither family approved of my parents marriage, and by extension disapproved of their children. My moms family didnt like us because we were my dad's children, and my dad's family didnt like us because we were my moms children. We did what was necessary, but certainly didnt expect any warm and fuzzies when we were with the extended family.

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 8:23 AM
I cut my inlaws out for favoritism. I don't deal with that crap. I grew up the black sheep in the family and refuse for my children to go through that.
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by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 12:08 PM

I do not blame you at all for wanting to put distance between you.  To me, it sounds 100% like the right hting to do.  Your kids do not deserve to feel like that and neither do you and your husband.

by on Feb. 19, 2013 at 1:37 PM

I understand what you are going through. I have a brother that decided to stop talking to me for reasons that I won't mention here. It's hard cutting that person out of your life, but you need to do what is best for your family and children. I'm sorry that you are in that situation and I don't think that you are being petty at all. HUGS!

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