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WWYD? LONG *Update in replies*

So this isn't a physical kids' health issue but a mental and emotional one. Just as important right? Anyway, it's about my family. I'm thinking I need to either cut them out completely or put enough distance between us that it's almost the same thing. Here's the backstory. When I was growing up, my sister was the favorite. She got preference in everything and it was very, painfully, obvious who was the beloved child. And it wasn't me. I always swore my kids wouldn't have to go through that. But they are. My sister has a dd, she's a year older than my oldest and the first grandchild. My mother has always favored her for a few reasons. A. Because my dh is Arab, making our kids half Arab and my mother has always told me interracial relationships are wrong. B. Because my sister got pregnant at 18. She never wanted kids, had no idea what to do with a baby. So, she lapped up everything my mother told her and gave her free rein with the baby. I, on the other hand, have a very different parenting style. I didn't run to her for advice and I've done everything differently than her. Like breastfeeding for example. My mother is not pro breastfeeding and has frequently been disparaging of me doing so. I could go on. My father always said he wouldn't do that to my kids. But he is.

Anyway to get to the problem, my kids are constantly second best. It feels like no real effort is made with them. The most recent example is my oldest ds's birthday. He turned 6 last week and originally we were supposed to go back to my hometown and have his party at the hotel I used to work for and where my mother and his Naynay currently work. That's what he wanted so he could see our family down there. Well our plans fell through at literally the last minute on Friday. So I decided to throw together a small party for him at our house. Now, I understand it was very last minute, I get that. But, neither of my parents or my sister came.

My mother just said no right off the bat, didn't even bother with an excuse this time (she's the queen of excuses). My father originally said no to Saturday because they had plans. Ok I get that. But then we changed it to Sunday. Then it was no because he and his gf were babysitting the gf's gs. Ok, the gf's dd and gs live with them. I get that he's close to the baby, but what about his own gs? Why does he have to be there? The gf raised her dd and she's more than capable of watching the baby herself. My sister asked him to drive down with her. When he said no then suddenly she couldn't come either. She didn't want to come with just her and my niece. But she goes everywhere else. It's just like always, no effort is made for my kids and I'm sick of it. My ds was heart broken that none of them would be here for him. He kept asking me why and I had no good answers to give. It pisses me off, pardon the language. They did this to me my whole life and I think it's time to cut them out so the same thing doesn't happen to my kids. I won't let them go through all that hurt and being made to feel like they're less than someone else. It was bad enough when it was just my niece but now they have a baby who isn't even related to compete with. It's not right. 

This is just the last straw in a long history of this. My sister is having a birthday party for my niece in two weeks. We won't be going. I love my niece and I don't want to hurt her. But I have to think of my own kids. How will my ds feel to see everyone at her party but no one could bother to make an effort for his? Also, my father and his gf said months ago (before her gs was born) they would come watch the kids while I was in labor with my baby on the way. I now realize that they won't/wouldn't have. So, I'm not going to even tell them I'm in labor. If I make a general fb announcement then they'll know. And if I decide against that or don't get to, then they won't know.

I know it might sound... drastic? Petty? Maybe you're thinking of another adjective. But, again there's a very long history of this and all it's proving is that my kids don't matter. I do not want to see my kids heart broken because of this stuff. I wanted to cry seeing how devestated my ds was. I've lived with it my entire life and I cannot let my kids go through it too.

I'm sorry this is so long and if you got through it, thank you. It's weighing heavily on my mind. :-(

by on Feb. 18, 2013 at 7:04 PM
Replies (11-17):
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:23 PM
Thanks everyone.
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by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:27 PM
Now that they're getting older they are starting to notice more and more. And they're starting to ask questions I don't have any good answers for. My ds was just heart broken. The look on his face made me want to cry. This is just the latest in a long string of incidents, not the first by far.

Quoting countrygirlkat:

 I am sorry you are going through that.  It can be hard to feel that way I am sure.  You need to do what you feel is best for your kids.  If you really feel like your kids are getting the feeling they are not as important then you have to take action.  It could be that they haven't noticed it though but you have because you are super sensitive to it from when you felt that way as a child all the time.  If it was just the birthday incident then I would simply tell your son that they wanted to come but because plans got changed by you at the last minute they couldn't make it but next time hopefully plans won't fall through.  If there are other incidents where your son really has felt left out with no viable reason for them not to be able to do it behind it then you have to look out for him.  Good luck. 

Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 3:34 PM
Also, just a quick update/addition. On my ds's actual birthday, my mother sent a text, nothing from my father. Yesterday was my birthday. My mother again sent a text. Again, nothing from my father. And I found out my niece has been staying at his house for the past week and over the weekend he had my sister over and made her dinner. See what I mean?
Posted on the NEW CafeMom Mobile
by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 4:03 PM


by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 10:14 PM

I think your feelings are perfectly normal and totally justified!  I would probably distance myself as well.

My dad was bad about coming to stuff as well - he didn't make it to Alex's Christmas program a few years ago because it happened to fall at the same time their dogs at dinner. I just don't expect them to show up to stuff, but send them a courtesy invitation/email/message/whatever anyway, just so they can't complain.

by on Feb. 20, 2013 at 10:22 PM

I'm sorry! Sometimes I feel my in-laws my BIL's kids first. A lot of it has to do with they live right across the street from each other and we live 2 hours from them. I know they do love our kids though and I think in my case I would be doing my kids a disservice if I cut them out of our lives. My kids love his parents. It's a hard decision, but you will do what is best. Good luck! :)

by on Feb. 26, 2013 at 2:27 PM

So, just another kinda update. I still have not spoken to my father. I spoke to my mother briefly through text when she texted to let me know one of her dogs died. As for my sister...well I've had time to cool off and think. We had a horrible relationship growing up and it's only been the past 7 or so years that we've really started getting along and getting closer. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this really isn't a usual thing for her. And then there are the kids. I sent a pic with music to my sister's phone for my niece on her birthday. My niece is the one who texted me back and we 'talked' for 10 minutes or so. She asked if we were coming to her party. Talk about making me feel And my sister has been texting me all week asking if we're coming. I told her I didn't know yet. I really really don't want to see my father. But, on the other hand, whatever issues are between the adults, I realize it isn't fair to keep my kids and my niece apart because they do really love each other. They've always been close. So, I think at this point I'm planning to suck it up and be there for my niece and just keep our distance from my father as much as possible. 

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